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04-25-2015, 01:29 PM
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*“I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything, Ros - I wouldn’t trade you for anything.”* My mouth twisted; it could have been a smile or it couldWould you say that if you knew how much pain I bring our Ma just by breathing? The questions lingered in my head, poisonous and awful. Would you say that if you knew the awful things I shouted at her? I couldn’t look at him, because the mist lingered in my eyes and I wasn’t sure if I could pull it off as rainwater anymore. I just looked down at the stones in front of me, and I felt you curled up somewhere behind my ear, and I could feel the tiny snoring your little lizard body did when it decided to shut down. I felt for it like a lifeline, something precious and dear and new to keep me grounded amongst the shit that was rising within me, making it impossible for me to accept Mesec’s words: *“Do you remember... the day you were born…I… I promised Ophelia that I’d protect you. That I’d protect our family.”* Nah, bro. Of course I didn’t remember, and there was something about the revelation that made me twist my mouth in a bittersweet smile. Because what he was saying was so grand and the only thing anyone ever told me about my birth was how I had tried to charge his knees the moment I saw him. Awful, awful little sister-- *“I’m so sorry Ros. I haven’t protected you from anything.”* I looked up at him finally, at the tone in his voice—shocked by it. *“I couldn’t protect you or our family.”* “Mesec, no--“ I said, sitting up a little straighter from where I lay. But then I paused, considering his words. I had believed myself the only one with this burden to bear—but I had never once considered howhe would feel, when it was his own Ma who orchestrated this misery in our land. How must that sort of shroud feel against his shoulders? I ain’t good with emotions. Figures I’d be even worse with the emotions of other people. I sighed something wet and shaking. “We…we all dropped the ball on that one,” I said, and I don’t know if I was going for something comforting or cynical—the words just sort of slipped from me.“He…we ran around the world, skipping in circles, and it wasn’t enough to change fate, bro. We…you…” I looked up at him, and I didn’t care anymore that there was something swimming in my eyes, salty and bright. “It…it fucked me up when I learned you were adopted,” I said, the confession coming out of me before I even knew what I was confessing, “It fucked me up for a long time, dude. But it didn’t change anything, did it? Because I still see you and my brain says ‘Bro’ and it used to hurt but now I—“ I blinked, and some things overflowed, and you were sleeping a baby sleep too hard to know what was going on, “I think it’s ‘cuz you’re so damn good at bein’ my Bro,” I said softly, my eyes falling back down to the stone, “and I can’t ever find another Bro like you. I think you’re doin’exactly what you need to do.” I smiled bitterly. “Trouble gon’ find us whether we tried to protect each other or not. The best we can do is love hard enough before shit hits the fan, and you’re doin’ it right.” I paused, biting my lip. “…at least, I think you are.” @[Mesec] |
