show me beautiful
i'll show you wonderful
as we share love

The news that Rue had disappeared had struck the new Czar hard. Though it had been Resplendence who had felt the loss the heaviest, old fears and nightmares arising with the absence of her new daughter, Kaj had not been spared the agony of the news. His first instinct was to rage against Apollo, to demand what failings he had to not be able to keep track of a single child from halfway across the continent. But his fury could not hold out very long, doused by the despair that consumed him most nights, keeping him from sleep with images of horrible endings Rue could have faced. Though he told no other soul, he cried himself to fitful meetings with Morpheus over the missing child so dear to his heart. It was true that she contained no blood of his own, but he loved her as he would his own daughter. She was his goddaughter, after all.

He clung to memories of her, and to the ever-weathering hope that she was still alive out there. He would not give up on her, on the idea that she could still be out there, merely lost. Kaj could still remember her beautiful smile, half mischievous and half innocence. She was too bright, to beautiful for the world that Kaj at times despised. He hated himself for his failings, though somewhere in the logical portion of his mind the Storm Bringer was aware that there was nothing he could have possibly done while participating in the invasion. Still, he placed the blame upon his own shoulders, even as he despaired angrily at the figment of Rue his mind often conjured. He wanted to take her by the withers and shake her, scream at her for her foolishness. They had ordered her to stay with Apollo for a reason, and he wanted simultaneously to punish her for her stupidity and clasp her close, so that he would forever know where she was from then on.

Nightly wanderings had become a pastime that he regretted, but he could not ignore the nightmares that plagued him nor the desire to search for the lost little girl. Each time was fruitless, bearing no news nor evidence of her passing. Though he returned home heavy-hearted each time, Kaj would nonetheless be out again a few nights later, scouring the lands and interrogating nomads for even a gleaning of information regarding his little star. He searched for her not only for her sake, but for Resplendence, whom he could see was deteriorating more and more each day that Rue was not found safe and sound.

He never anticipated actually, physically stumbling across her.

At first, Kaj questioned his sanity, wondering whether his tired brain had conjured some sort of realistic mirage to taunt him with. The noise of her falling had drawn him instinctively, just as it had when he had encountered Nym. For a few long moments he merely stared down at her, jaw slack and eyes disbelieving. It couldn't be...could it?

"Zoet?" he breathed, far from ashamed at the emotional crack that appeared in the middle of her personal endearment. Immediately he rushed to her side, falling carelessly among the foliage, enduring every scrape and bump without feeling a single one. A massive wing thrust itself across her body, practically scooping her up and into his side with the force of his desperation, the power behind each movement. Pale muzzle was thrust immediately into her still fluffy mane, soaking in her scent. It drove tears into his eyes, and he started laughing and crying in tandem, his massive form shaking like a leaf with the catharsis of it all. "It's you," he sobbed, tightening his hold on her as if terrified she would suddenly turn into dust and drift away from him again.

Gasping in a shuddering breath, he held his wing aloft and turned to better view her, running his muzzle briskly over her hide and cataloging every scrape and bruise. Deciding exactly how wounded she was, what kind of care she needed. And then the anger set in. "Where have you been?" he growled, shaking his head quickly to dispel that particular question. "Don't answer that. I cannot believe you left Apollo, do you know how scared sick we have all been?! You are in so much trouble, Rue!" he rumbled, eyes mere slits of blue. He rarely ever called her by her given name, but his worry was exploding out in anger instead, and he wanted this to be permanently inscribed inside her head. She would never disobey them like that again if Kaj could help it.

Taking in a deep breath, Kaj counted to ten and then opened his eyes again. "We'll deal with that later. I'm...so glad you are alive, zoet," he whispered, tucking her close a second time. Merely enjoying her living heat against his side. "Can you stand? I can carry you across my withers, if you hold very still. I will take you to your mother. I'll take you home," was a quiet murmur, heart feeling weak with relief that he could. That he could dry Resplendence's tears, fix their family once more.

show me beautiful
i'll show you wonderful
as we share love

Emotion warred within him like a titanous waterfall, ever-crashing against the pools settled below, the irrevocable truth of Rue's continued existence in the world. It was all he could have asked, his dreams solidified and accounted for the moment her little eyes fell upon him. Nevertheless his feelings raged on, a tangled mixture he could not discern nor hope to ever find the end to. It seemed Rue would not judge nor grieve him for his emotions, though she wilted appropriately beneath his anger. It did little to mollify him, so worried he had been and further angered by the fact that it had been she who had brought that worry upon them all.

Every fiber of being and physical composition was strung on the tightest frequency, tight on a wide frame. But he was strong enough to bear the tension, and he welcomed the further weight of Rue's frame crashing like a wave against his own. He bore her as he would forever, taking all her physical weight and emotional sorrows upon his own flesh and mind. Kaj had let her down once, had lived an endless nightmare in her absence. Never again. She and her burdens were his to ease, the only job he would eternally treasure. Was this what it was to love? To be a father? It was a dream so unattainable, so fissured the beating muscle in his chest, the curse that fated it to ever be so. Yet with her tiny frame tucked safely beneath his wing, so close to his heart, he yearned for it.

But with fatherhood - no, Kaj, that is not what you are to her, spare yourself the heartache - came the responsibility of leading her down the path of obedience until she was old enough to protect herself while she wandered down one she paved on her own. So he let his anger come to bite and nip at her, a hennish mother herding her errant child to safety with necessary violence. "That was not your decision to make, Rue! You will not disobey me again, especially when I am not near to keep you safe!" He would let her earn her leeway back. The one she truly had to fear was Resplendence.

Speaking of...

Kaj summoned himself to his hooves as she rocked onto spindly ones of her own. She was panting with the effort, and Kaj managed a fond sigh before he ducked and stepped into her, forcefully pushing her upon his withers just before his wings. No matter what she may have weighed, Kaj would have carried her home regardless. Even if he'd have had to crawl, he would do so to keep her safe and rested. His shoulders were broad to carry her light frame, to soften the points of his bones as he bore her home free from exertion she could not spare. Perhaps this is my purpose, he breathed, stunned into stillness by the revelation. You granted me this body, these shoulders...so that I may carry. So I may protect, lift up those I love, those in need. Bear their burdens and lighten their loads. Glancing to the skies, he tried not to feel suddenly overwhelmed, emotional. Thank you.

Onward he began, the Falls and Resplendence awaiting he and the little passenger slung across his shoulders.