Johnny

Well! I have my very first stalker! By gosh would you look at that, and she’s a pretty young thing too. Reminds me of Sunshine, though Sunshine had a bit more manners and didn’t unload all these questions on me right off the back. I think. I honestly can’t remember how Sunshine and I met, all I know is that we became the BEST of friends. Maybe I’ll become best friends with this one too?

I fumble to a stop when she moves in front of me, because conversation while we’re standing still is a lot easier to handle and also I was only walking because I thought I’d be more noticeable. You know, my sugary ass blends in so well with the scenery.

Anyway, the first thing this gal asks me whether I’m hurt and is that why I’m walking all funny. “Oh, honey!” I laugh, a hearty green-giant meets santa-claus laugh, right from the swell of my belly up through my nose. “Not hurt, not hurt! I just didn’t want to be missed so I thought I’d take it nice and slooww. I had a feeling that these are the sort of woods I’d come across someone else in.”

And sure enough, I did! Funny how that works. You’d almost think this is the sort of forest where all the new kids show up and wait to be sorted into their houses or something like that.

Is there a talking hat around that can guide me?

Next, though, she’s introducing herself and telling me that she likes fire well damn. I WOULD come across the one that could melt me into oblivion. It takes a lot and I mean a lot of manners to not sidestep her right then and there because I really don’t like fire. “Well isn’t it just a downright pleasure to meet you, Aurelia - my name’s Johnny. Prefer if you kept that fire in check though, honey! My complexion just can’t handle it.” That’s a pretty polite way to ask, right? I think we should be good. I mean I honestly can’t handle it so I really hope she doesn’t suddenly decide she’s in the mood for some liquid sugar or something.

Of course, she goes on to bring up the candy thing. Which, honestly, I’ve been waiting for. HELLOOO kind of a big thing I mean she’s all orange and spotty but I’m the weirdo here, apparently. It wasn’t the first time I had been greeted in such a way, you know, but it never ceased to entertain me when they actually had the gall to say it outloud. Sugar or not, eating me was called cannibalism, my dear children, and is frowned upon in most societies. Such as the one I live in because I like living. It’s fun.

I have a very strict “lick, don’t bite” policy, you know.

Before I can answer her, however, we’re joined by someone else - a tall, dark fellow with the most wondrous glass horns! I mean by golly those were pretty sweet. I’ve got a bit of horn envy going on right now, though mine is pretty rad. He’s got this whole tall-and-elegant thing going on and I have to say, I’m a big fan. Looks just swell on him. And he’s friendly to boot, asking me why I was so gorgeous and what possible circumstances had brought me into his blessed presence.

Okay I’m paraphrasing but that’s totally what he meant.

It takes me a minute to actually remember the words spoken because if I had just responded to that paraphrased example above, well, the young miss that we were in the company with might blush! And we wouldn’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable on such a momentous day. The day I, Johnny, arrived in whatever-land-this-was-because-no-one-has-welcomed-me-yet. “Why, kind sir, I’m seeking a home! I’ve been a traveller for quite some time and this seems like a good spot to cool my jets for a little while. What is this place called?” All the lands have names nowadays, it’s the new thing. Where they come up with these things is totally beyond my pay grade, probably just a google translate for some obscure word. You know there’s a place that totally made up a language just so it could pretend the name of the site means ‘sunrise’? So ridiculous.

Anyway. Oh yeah. “I’m Johnny and that’s Aurelia. Who are you two, if you don’t mind me asking?” My smile is pretty sweet, especially when it comes to that last little bit. I don’t want to pry - I’m pretty darn tootin curious about that wolfy thing that’s hanging out near Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Handsome. I kind of want to pet it, maybe over a crunch of my horn, but something tells me this isn’t a cuddly little shih tzu.

I'm your sweet sugar Candyman