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08-13-2015, 03:26 AM
I was in the steppe again, following a mare through a maze she didn't want to leave. Every step towards her was like the sting of another papercut. The accumulation of thousands of papercuts hadn't been enough to kill me, but I'd now been bled of the anger I had earlier in the season. These papercuts, every time I walked, moved, they ripped open, pain exploding within me. This was my life with Rexanna. She wa a the paper that caused my cuts, my wounds, my throbbing pain.
But not really.
She was me, a female version of me, and in her choices I see me, my iron eyes looking back at me through the narrow slits of an impenetrable mask. Tye similarity between her drove my want to follow her, simply watch. I stood afar, barely able to make out her shape, just identifying her position through th series of vibrant dapples dotting her porcelain skin. Soon though, I was there. I stood head to head with her, but she lay on the ground, helpless and vulnerable. There were no words spoken, simply her and I. My prescense changed the mood of the area, turning it from a somber loneliness to a tense meeting. This was an effect I always had, the chemistry of a rooms changing when I enter, as if all the people know me past my iron armor, my wrought cage that holds my emotions. Standing there, mere feet from her, but saying nothing- it's intense. Though this wasn't the first time I had brooded silently and just let things build up. Knowing things grew volatile by the second was... Thrilling.
Eventually though, my silence would be more draining than fulfilling. Was it wrong that way down within me, I wanted to hurt? I wanted to bleed and cry and break myself. Not because I deserve it, but because it feels right to hurt. I don't know what else to feel. I cannot feel pride, for what am I to feel this way towards in a world where no one is adequate and everyone is somehow lower then everyone. So I stood, a cold statue in front of a mare that I fucked.
My voice broke into the air, strong and powerful, yet I felt weak and small. My voice did not show this, my voice is the cool confidence that my facade exudes. "Rexanna," Fuck. I don't know what to say. "Voglio dolore." She won't understand my words, no one ever does, even when they are spoken in English, because no one has been through my life. Rexanna is the closest to me, maybe she'd understand had I spoken English. I won't tell her what I want. For the first time, the top thing on my want list isn't sex, but that is truly a close second.
But not really.
She was me, a female version of me, and in her choices I see me, my iron eyes looking back at me through the narrow slits of an impenetrable mask. Tye similarity between her drove my want to follow her, simply watch. I stood afar, barely able to make out her shape, just identifying her position through th series of vibrant dapples dotting her porcelain skin. Soon though, I was there. I stood head to head with her, but she lay on the ground, helpless and vulnerable. There were no words spoken, simply her and I. My prescense changed the mood of the area, turning it from a somber loneliness to a tense meeting. This was an effect I always had, the chemistry of a rooms changing when I enter, as if all the people know me past my iron armor, my wrought cage that holds my emotions. Standing there, mere feet from her, but saying nothing- it's intense. Though this wasn't the first time I had brooded silently and just let things build up. Knowing things grew volatile by the second was... Thrilling.
Eventually though, my silence would be more draining than fulfilling. Was it wrong that way down within me, I wanted to hurt? I wanted to bleed and cry and break myself. Not because I deserve it, but because it feels right to hurt. I don't know what else to feel. I cannot feel pride, for what am I to feel this way towards in a world where no one is adequate and everyone is somehow lower then everyone. So I stood, a cold statue in front of a mare that I fucked.
My voice broke into the air, strong and powerful, yet I felt weak and small. My voice did not show this, my voice is the cool confidence that my facade exudes. "Rexanna," Fuck. I don't know what to say. "Voglio dolore." She won't understand my words, no one ever does, even when they are spoken in English, because no one has been through my life. Rexanna is the closest to me, maybe she'd understand had I spoken English. I won't tell her what I want. For the first time, the top thing on my want list isn't sex, but that is truly a close second.
@Rexanna
