My face stayed buried in the snow as I felt the earth shake beneath the weight of the creature before me. It felt like an eternity before I heard his voice again. He asked if I wanted him to leave which was the last question I was expecting, to be entirely honest. I wasn’t even sure where to begin to answer that. Yes I wanted him to leave because I was tired of putting him through so much emotion because of me. No, I didn’t want him to leave because I wanted him near.

I wanted to feel his touch to make sure he was even real anymore. I wanted to be sure this wasn’t just a cruel trick my mind was playing on me that Caleb would just appear out of the thick of snow and apologize. It would make a damn good trick though, really. I couldn’t handle the idea of it being a lie so I did my best, hiding in the snow to try and enjoy the moment that he was here and perhaps not nearly as upset with me as he had been in the past. But I was stuck in this rut between Tembovu and Caleb and my heart seared with pain every time I thought of one of them. As if my heart was slowly ripping itself into two with each face of a creature who cared for me that I had lied to in the hopes of keeping them both close. I know it was unrealistic, but that seemed to be who I was.

Shaking my head in the snow, I lifted it lightly so it raised itself above the ivory blanket. Blue orbs gazing up to see his face just inches above my back, I could feel his whiskers ever so slight against my pelt. The feeling causing a large amount of tremors to ripple through the golden cream. I wasn’t sure what to say to him, I wasn’t sure if I should even say anything at all. Less is more, right? All I needed was someone who understood me and it almost seemed as though I wouldn’t ever find that here. Everyone thought I was someone else, which is what I wanted originally. But now I yearned for the thought of people knowing me for who I really was. Perhaps all my ‘friends’ would leave once they knew. Might be better off that way.

Against my better judgement, I swung my head around to face him. My muzzle mere inches away from his fetlocks. I moved my head a bit closer, my whiskers gently brushing against his legs and hooves in a silently serene moment before I looked up at him once more. “I… I don’t want you to leave Caleb.” I said, exhausted and freezing in the cold. “I don’t blame you if you wanted to ignore me and pretend nothing happened.” I paused sighing. “But I do want you to know that I’m sorry.”

Yes perhaps it was a bit much, all of this self-pity. It wasn’t without good reasoning though. I needed someone to understand me, to understand who I was and what I had done in my short life. I wanted them to know I wasn’t at all who they thought I was and pray to the gods that they’d stay regardless of it.






Rexanna