He answered her summons but it was neither humility nor shame that reflected in the blazing fires of his eyes as he trudged up to the blinding beacon of a mare. It was defiance, stubbornness, self-righteousness and injured pride, because regardless of what everyone else thought by now the young colt was not a coward. He had his own reasons for moving away from the battlefield, and it irked him beyond belief that they berated him for it.

"What!?" he snapped at the sultana once he was within speaking range, reluctance evident in his voice. He loathed being shouted at, but the look of naked fury on her face made him wary. Cathun made sure to keep a good bit of distance between her and himself, just in case she felt like becoming violent. He wouldn't put it past her - she was a mare, after all, and like every other member of her gender group, notoriously fickle.

Overall, coming back to the Throat had been just as unpleasant and suffocating as he had feared. The place had never felt much like home to him, he had stayed because Amaris was there, because he'd heard that Tandavi was supposed to be there, because his father had told him he'd get help... Ha. Fat load of help he'd gotten too, with everyone crying about gods and priests as soon as he asked.

To hell with all of it, and them too!

He kicked a stone aside, steeling himself for whatever the Sultana had to say. He would listen this time, but if she started nagging about duty and family and all that shit he would be out of there, for good this time.

It wasn't like he even cared.

Cathun

The firebrand

The fires burning in place of mane and tail snapped and crackled in the wind. Paired with the radiating warmth and golden glow it could have been peaceful and soothing, but the sound only made him restless and agitated.

He stared at the bay lady as she approached, wary despite himself. Cathun had expected her to continue shouting, to scream accusations and orders in his face as if he didn't have ears to hear with, but instead he was met with a cold, steely silence. It unsettled him more than he wanted her to know, but even though he tried to hide it the growing uncertainty shone through in everything he did. The restless shuffle with the feet, the constant flicking with the head to jerk away hair no longer fell into his eyes, every watchful glance in her direction.

Those burning eyes narrowed as the Sunspear stopped inches from him. Cathun suppressed a desire to take a step back and glared instead even more angrily as she reached back and pulled something from the battle leathers, something long and shimmering, black tipped in gold...

He stared blankly at the feathers as they fluttered to the ground. What was that about, a roundabout challenge of some sort? Drop the glove, the fool who picks it up have to fight for life and pride... But no. There was something oddly familiar about the black and the gold and as he stared at them, at the blood staining those gleaming feathers, an icy weight settled in his gut.

"What about them..?" he retorted coldly as he looked up at the mare. But his voice wasn't half as confident as it had been, and there was a quiet, unspoken dread blooming behind the eyes.

No. No no no. It was a mistake, he didn't know, he didn't see...

The Firebrand took a step back, dreading the answer.

Cathun

The firebrand

“Her name was Ranjiri...”

No.

He didn't want to hear it. He wanted to shut his eyes, hold the ears and scream to block out the sound of her voice. Dread was spreading through his veins like cold ice, numbing his every cell and freezing him in place.

It wasn't true, it couldn't be true, she had been alive and well, her eyes had been gleaming and strong and determined only a short while ago. Only days had passed, how could she be... was she even... But those were her feathers, he couldn't deny the truth any longer.

No, no no no don't say it, don't say it! No, he hadn't done it, it wasn't his fault, just shut up and go away, no don't say it, no no

"...and that is her blood..."

"NO!"

And his scream was the sound of a wounded animal. He stared wildly at Megaera, at the feathers, at the dried blood that plastered the fine down together. Anger faded into confusion, into disbelief as he pushed forward, threatening to actually shove into her broad chest. Careless hooves trampled dangerously close to the beautiful, horrible evidence, his stomach was sinking below the surface of the earth it seemed and in his desperation he could only deny everything the Sunspear said.

"Shut up! Don't say... No!"

But the words just kept coming, merciless and ringing with nothing but truth.

"An artisan who stayed and fought when a warrior ran home."

"Yes, but... but I..."

Strangely, he couldn't quite remember why he had left anymore. Something about stupid pride, a silly necklace breaking... It all faded as memories rose of her, the only one who'd actually told him the truth. She had been stubborn, annoying, a nosy know-it-all... but he had liked that part about her.

You're frustrating! If you won't ask I'll do it myself... Do you want to die?... I want to help you...

Numbly he fell back, air constricting in his lungs so he couldn't breathe. Something much kinder that fire burned in his eyes now and Cathun closed them, turned his face away to hide his grief.

Why had he... Like it mattered. Why had he... What difference did it make? Why.. To save his own sorry skin, that's why. To save himself he had sacrificed her, the kind stranger who selfishly offered to help save his life, who had said she'd place herself in debt for his sake.

And he raged against the injustice of it and died with each breath, drowning in shame that hadn't made sense until now.

"You need to tell me why, Cathun."

His head fell, hanging low from the shoulders for the first time since he arrived. He didn't look at her as he answered, but nor did he wrap the words in silk or tell only half the truth.

"I'm dying" he said, contemptuously as though he wished he was already dead. Gone, erased from existence - anything so that she would still be alive.

"My mother defied a god by loving my father, and they punished her by cursing me. This charm is the only thing keeping me alive, but it's failing already and the magic in this place is weakening the spell even further. Getting close to so much raw power would have destroyed it for good... I don't want to fight for any god either. Doesn't matter who, they're all the same in the end."

Only now did the old hatred rise in his voice again, but muted, muffled by grief. Cathun raised his head then, quite abruptly, his cheeks lined with tears.

"I told her to leave!" he said, pleading. "I said the place was dangerous, she should have come with me! Why did.. why... Why didn't she come w-with me!?"

He cried, but no longer cared. It felt as though a void had opened up inside him, black and cold and endlessly dull. All around him spring was in full throw but he saw none of it - only the face of a girl he had left behind.

Cathun

The firebrand

He barely heard her answer, nor the long stream of words that followed. Tears kept leaking down the mottled cheeks and in his heart a chasm of grief kept swallowing up every stray feeling that flared up whenever he attempted to understand what she was saying. Hatred reared its ugly head at the mention of honoring or respecting this Sun God or whatever, he wanted to hiss and spit and object like he had done before, in another conversation... but even the memory of that became a spear of pain that stabbed through the anger, because it had been the first time he ever really talked to Ranjiri and it had been an argument. He had been arrogant and condescending towards the sweet girl, and the guilt over that too was in no way made up by the fact that they had parted in agreement.

Again he wanted to react when the mention of family, honor, loyalty flashed past. What family? How could he call any of these horses family when he barely even knew who was part of the herd or not? How could he feel any loyalty towards a bunch of strangers that had done nothing for him during these short months since his arrival? He hadn't even been properly greeted and introduced to anyone, just pushed in line after a quick exchange and left to figure things out as he went along. How was he supposed to feel any honor at the thought of dying in line of duty when he couldn't even say that he cared for anyone in this herd? They were just a gathering of strangers to him, some more familiar than others but every single one an unknown entity. Even Amaris, the sole reason why he was there at all, had disappeared somewhere without a word. So much for her promise to help him. So much for whatever shared history or false feeling that had made him think of her as a sister.

Not even blood mattered much, because the father that had promised to follow behind was nowhere to be seen, occupied with this or that - things that clearly mattered more than his only son.

But Cathun said none of these things, because it didn't matter anymore. Ranjiri was gone and it was his fault, and even though he felt somewhere that Megaera was expecting something from him he didn't know what it was, and didn't know what to say or do to give it to her.

"Okay" he whispered, voice hoarse and cracked with grief. The boy looked broken where he stood, tail drooping and head hung low towards the ground. So different from the arrogant brat that had stomped in when called upon, defiant and proud.

"Whatever you say. Can... Can I go now, please? I-I'd like to be alone..."

He didn't really expect her to permit it, but the weight of her gaze was oppressive and he felt choked, stifled, as if something was constricting around his wind pipes and made it near impossible to breathe.

In an afterthought the colt reached down and picked up one of the bloodstained feathers. The shimmering, clotted downs tickled the black velvet of salt-stained lips, and if he breathed in the colt imagined he could make out the scent of his friend, faded and faint and so sweet it made his heart ache with the loss of her.

If a breaking heart could make a sound, it would be like the shattering of glass and rain upon a deserted battlefield.

Cathun

The firebrand