one day we’ll reveal the truth,
that one will die before he gets there.

I felt him shift as I spoke of my past. To and fro almost unsure of what he should do. In the end, however, he did what I needed him to do the most. Love. His husky voice breathed my name and my ears perked in his direction, the feathery tips brushing against his pelt. As he spoke of not blaming myself I just nodded. I knew I had lied about never having children before, but it wasn’t entirely a lie. I had a child that didn’t even breathe. How was that for really birthing an offspring? It wasn’t. And it would take a lot for me to realize that it really wasn’t my fault. Deep down, I knew that I couldn’t do anything against it. However, perhaps if I hadn’t given into the pressure of his parents, we wouldn’t have ended up there in the first place? Maybe – just maybe – I wouldn’t have turned out the way I did.

I knew regret would bring me down a darkened path. And I was sure that Tembovu didn’t realize that I became the way I was to prevent myself from heading in that direction. It was such a complex issue with problems tearing at each edge, searing the corners in a fit of emotion that seemed almost unnatural. I didn’t cry. No. I couldn’t. I had already cried so many tears over him that no more needed to fall. I accepted the fact that I couldn’t care for him and so I moved on; or so I thought. Bringing it back up just flashed the memories back in front of my aqua eyes. Brought back only by Temb’s voice. Feeling his chest engulf me like a fire, I melted. As he spoke of thriving, I said nothing. Was I really thriving? Or playing off of other’s weaknesses? I was a coward, always had been. I couldn’t stand up for anything. And it showed when I chose the Basin over him which I knew was still salt in the wound I caused.

He spoke more, of feeling the loss and vengeance. I nodded to him, partially glad to finally have a name for his fallen family. However, revenge is a firestorm in itself. It’s a wonder he didn’t devolve and cripple himself in the process of losing something so close to him. He got his vengeance and perhaps it was enough – or was it? Ears twitching more as he stopped speaking abruptly, noticeably due to the blockage in his throat of emotion. A train of anger and rage quickly ended by a dam of tears and regret that I knew all too well. I could do nothing but to watch his broad face, eyes just as sad as his in the heat of this moment.

‘So, I think you are a much better being than I, for how you handled this… this indescribable loss.’

No. It wasn’t true. Did he not understand what I did? The things I did to others or did to myself because of it? Sure. I didn’t destroy cities and take anyone’s last breath from them. However, I did place my body as a way for others emotions. I laid it out and I was broken because of it. He didn’t understand. And would be ever? A flicker of frustration passed through my eyes as I turned my gaze away from his striking sapphire ones. Sighing to myself, trying not to let the anger that built up inside me explode on the one person I truly loved in my life. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t think. My attention was lost in mere moments before my chime of a voice erupted, speaking words I couldn’t withhold. I completely missed the point he had about being the thorn to his rose.

“Am I really a better person, Temb? I destroyed people’s happiness. In my moments of fear of losing my head, I chose to give up others? I’m a thief. I steal people’s happiness and joy away and watch with a fucking pit of excitement as they notice it’s gone. Nobody expects the woman in the white dress to steal their lifes work. I’m nothing to be proud of. I surely didn’t thrive. I chose to portray myself as someone else entirely to hide myself. When they brought the militaries into the lands I was in, I proved myself to be someone else. When they looked for me and my god forsaken markings that – let me add – literally no one else has, they found me. They always did. I couldn’t hide. Instead, I turned to sleeping with guards and the fucking military to keep them from taking me. Was it in my best interest? No. It wasn’t. But it protected me. I was selfish. I became someone I never thought I would. Growing up, I knew those mares and stallions that relied on others for their wellbeing despite caring for others and I always frowned upon them.”

Heaving a hefty sigh, I turned my head away from him; frustration glaring at each corner in my mind. ‘Why are you so upset?’ I thought to myself, shaking my head and shifting my weight. My tail lashing behind me in a fit of upset that seemed so childish in this moment. But I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t help but to get this feeling out of me before it destroyed me.

“I turned into them, Temb. I did it to you. The one fucking thing I care about and I did it to you. Telling you what you wanted to hear. And if there’s one thing I regret in my life, it’s what I did to you. But I’m nothing to be praised about. I’m nothing to be proud of. I’m just – nothing.” Defeat fell within my voice as my rampage dissipated nearly as quickly as it came. Shame shrouded me. What could I say now?

Then I felt that feeling in my throat, the blockage. Unable to speak anything for a while. Eyes closed, head lowered. Forelock covering my face in a messy tangle. I looked like a mess and I honestly felt like it. After a few moments, I blinked, eyes opening, blockage passed. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to – I didn’t mean to freak out like that. I just… Haven’t ever told anyone. I don’t know what got into me. I wasn’t thinking. Please, I’m sorry.” Terror flashing into my voice, trembling and stuttering. Right when things were about to get better, I go and fuck it up again.

I was scared to look at him.

I was scared that he would just leave as quickly as he came.

But after the moments passed, I moved closer to him, pressing myself into him again. Hoping to show him the true passion behind my words as I felt his voice reach me. ‘So my golden princess. I give you this befitting golden chain.’ Attention was brought to him again. Fear and upset wilting away like a leaves during autumn. Watching as the chain fell to my feet. A small smile finding its way to the corners of my lips, hoping he wouldn’t pull the gift away from me with an afterthought of my outburst.

Then he attached it and the feeling of more chains dancing along my face and horn added more to my elegance. The elegance from my elephant. I wondered how he got the trinket and how long he had it before giving it to me. Before I thought about the gift I had him. I figured I would wait and see his reaction before giving him the gift I had found fitting for him. It would probably make for a good apology afterward.

I turned my head, feeling the shift of the small weight of my chains along my forehead, feeling ever more so at home than I had in so long. “Are you sure? I didn’t mean to burst out at you like that… You can take it back if you like, I’d understand.” My voice was hushed, darkened by the regret that flashed through my ocean eyes before my gaze fell to the feet of the elephant yet again.

'You are precious, you are loved.'

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