RIKYN

Realism [2]
In this spar, you seemed to really struggle with translating the dice roll into the appropriate damage. In post two, you took way too much damage. A 1 is literally the lowest that can be dealt, and all of the injuries sustained do not match up with the roll at all. The post that fit the dice roll the best was your closing defense.

A few times throughout the fight, I did not think Rikyn could as skillfully maneuver attacks with the injuries he sustained. For instance, with the written severity of the injury to his shoulder, I don’t see how he could have successfully bucked out with his hind hooves.

In the start of this spar you don’t give any direction or indication of where you try to attack for either of the attacks. As the fight goes on, you remember more to use directional language, but I still had to re-read several times to reorient Rikyn in my head as he attacked and dodged.

Throughout the entire battle, no breed differences mentioned. For most of the fight, Rikyn imagined Ki'ihra as a dragon, but you mention she still retained the relative size of her actual form. Therefor, even though he imagined her as a dragon, these stat differences could have been utilized. Alongside that, you only mention the terrain in which they're fighting in passing. I encourage you to think more about how the battleground can help or hinder your character!


Emotion [1.5]
At the beginning of this fight, Rikyn's posts are very dry. The majority of your posts for this fight are well under the word count, so I would advise in the future to use these extra words to fill in with some really powerful language! You are a beautiful writer who knows their characters, so I believe you can do it!

As the spar goes on, the emotion got better, but as a whole I felt it extremely lacking--especially given the situation. Post three was your strongest post when it came to emotion, but even then I was still begging for more.


Prose [3]
P2: “…black world is alive with red tinge of my anger…” :: with the red tinge
P3: whither =/= wither

Overall, good writer with a well-written style.


Readability [2]
All of your posts were easy to read. I would love to see more clear directional language used, however!

Finally tally: 31.5(8.5*2)= 48.5 HP


KI’IRHA

Realism [-1]
With being a beginning fighter, this thing can be really daunting. You struggle with translating the dice roll into damage appropriately throughout the fight. In post one, for example, the cut to her chest was way too much for a roll of 2, because that is a relatively low damage roll. You also pack a lot of attacks into each post. In post one, I was overwhelmed. Ki'irha fell down, got up, reared (with a big cut on her chest) then charged Rikyn. This is a great deal of action that, realistically, would not happen in the time frame of one post.

In post two, I want to note something about the translation of Rikyn's attack to the damage Ki'irha took. Firstly, horse shoulders are very strong, sturdy parts of their body. They are coated in a lot of muscle and the bones are thick and strong. A kick, from a single hoof, would not have the power from Rikyn to send Ki'irha to the ground. Along with that, he only rolled a 3, which is like medium damage. Falling down is pretty equivalent to a critical hit--the most damage possibly taken and dealt. Following this, as the fight went on, you were pretty much ignoring or just barely describing wounds she sustained. It is important to write how the injuries taken effect your character throughout the fight! Another thing to note, is remember that horses get tired. It is not realistic that, with the injuries sustained plus the sickness, Ki'irha would have the strength or stamina to rear in every single attack post.

In post three, your timing and positioning are off. You write that she stabs Rikyn’s shoulder, rears and runs for him, then she gets his attack to the haunches. What the reality was is that Rikyn was parallel to her, had his shoulder stabbed, then stabbed at her haunches. There really should not have been any time to/need to rear and try to attack--because Rikyn was not in front of her.


Up until your last paragraph of your last post, you completely leave out breed differences, the implications of that, and the implications of the surroundings. Even in your last mention, while the breed/stat differences are correct, they are merely a passing remark and have no relevance to the fight--but they should!



Emotion [0.5]
For the real majority of this battle, you fall well under the maximum word count. I encourage you to take hold of every word that is afforded you in battle--particularly in the area of emotion. With Ki'irha there was so much potential for emotion, and I was digging for it, but as a whole you really came up flat. You could have gotten more points for emotion had to gone into more detail about her father’s memory. Also, you write that she is a warrior, but don’t go into a lot of detail. How did she feel when she fell down? When she got up? How does this random guy attacking her make her feel? These are questions you should be asking yourself while writing.

For example, one sentence that really stood out to me was: "The air smelled of blood and sweat and earth and black. She quivered, rage burning into her heart, tensed muscles aching and burning as she exerted herself." I really expected you to set something up here! Instead, you go from "kill kill kill" to pretty much defeat in just a few sentences, with no bridge to get there.



Prose [3.5]
P3: “The stood for a moment…” :: They

Overall, it is apparent that you are a good writer. Just be more careful to proofread your posts in the future.

Readability [2]
Your style is easy to follow and quite enjoyable to read. I encourage you to use better directional language and more powerful emotion words in the future, however!



Finally tally:  33.5(5*2)=  43.5 HP