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M a d r y n AND M a s k a n
MADMASK -- Round 2
[Realism]
MASKAN
+ 1| Protecting Rishima
+ 1| ATTACK: biting at Ricciardo.
- 1| "MASKAN swung his bodice around to the right, keeping his forelegs planted so that his haunches moved and he was now standing parallel to the shorter steed." To me this sounds like you are attempting to make Maskan pivot on the forehand, which as far as I know isn't possible. The closest thing would be a gradual turn on the forehand, but you worded this entirely wrong for that case.
+ 1| ATTACK: aiming the scrape Ricciardo's foreleg with his own hoof.
+ 1| ATTACK: shove-biting at Ricciardo's left side.
MADRYN
+ 1| Aiding Ricochet
+ 1| ATTACK: biting at Lloyd's shoulder
+ 1| ATTACK: ramming Lloyd's left side
- 1| ATTACK: bucking out at Lloyd's barrel. I had a hard time swallowing this attack because of the intended ram. Maskan is a fairly large horse, so I think the fast paced track of these attacks are unlikely, especially when he is throwing his force into another mammoth of a stallion.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
0 | Emotion: felt a little dry and technical.
+ 1| Flow
MADMASK -- Round 3
[Realism]
MASKAN
+ 1| ATTACK: ramming into Alan.
+ 1| ATTACK: biting at Alan.
MADRYN
+ 1| Coughing, watery eyes after Ricochet's magic fills the air with smoke.
+ 1| DEFENSE: reacting to Deimos's magic with sluggishness, trying to escape.
+ 1| DEFENSE: horn slice to the right foreleg in a more meaty place. Lots of blood which fits with leg injuries.
+ 1| DEFENSE: taking kick to the left haunch
+ 1| ATTACK: kicking out at Deimos to take advantage of close proximity, takes a lot of effort.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
MADMASK -- Round 4
[Realism]
MASKAN
0 | I was not confused, but I thought this needed a comment. "Satisfied, at least minimally by the taste of her sweaty fur between his teeth..." This is spoken right after mentioning Kiara, so at first I read it as he bit Kiara. Be careful with your pronouns, especially in this type of situation!
+ 1| DEFENSE: taking the kick meant for Torasin to the pectoral.
+ 1| ATTACK: biting at Alan's flank.
MADRYN
+ 1| The description of cat and mouse for Deimos is fantastic.
+ 1| Taking the horn slice to the hind leg - I like that you include how he is further crippled by this.
+ 1| ATTACK: rearing to hit Deimos, with mention of his injured hindquarters.
- 1| Skin flap. Unless Deimos's horn sliced underneath the skin without tearing it off from the leg, I do not understand how a piece of skin would be flapping around. Cuts would tear the flesh, but they aren't going to loosen huge chunks because of connective tissues.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 2| Emotion: Madyrn using his frustration to psych himself up is great.
+ 1| Flow
MADMASK -- Round 5 (defense only)
[Realism]
MASKAN
+ 1| DEFENSE: moving away from Korra as she pushes in to minimize damage.
- 1| Korra has antlers, but I would think them less dull and not really as sharp as this post makes them out to be, especially not enough to make blood cascade downward from him.
+ 1| Little emotional spark at the end was nice.
MADRYN
+ 1| Nearly being knocked over by Deimos.
+ 1| The description of the drain of all his energy.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
MADMASK
[Bonus]
None.
[Injuries]
None of note.
[Creativity]
+ 1| "A hunger, an emptiness, a hollow itch overwhelmed Madyrn. The stallion, named for shadows and yet ruled by fire, visibly seemed to dim, the alertness about him stolen by another, by this, DIEMOS." T'was great.
Comments: Overall, I enjoyed reading Madyrn and Maskan. They are interesting characters, and I think handled themselves well in battle. I disagreed with a lot of the damage you took, not necessarily where but how. I felt like it was unrealistic a lot of the time, but I do think you have a good sense of attacks you can escape and attacks you can't.
TOTAL
Madryn and Maskan - 32
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