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Faelene
Monster
Lloyd
Ulrik
Mauja
Alan
Lucius
Giselle
Descaro
Deimos
Psyche
Delinne
Arabella
Aurelius
Korra
Ricciardo
Cineviam
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Lloyd
CHALLENGER -- Round 2
[Realism]
+ 1| Attack: Horn charge at Ricochet and Guns.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
CHALLENGER -- Round 3
[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: Taking Midas' hooves to the rump.
+ 1| Coughing and spluttering because of the dust that rose from Ricochet's magic.
+ 1| Attack: Horn ram at Madyrn.
- 1| Defense: Madyrn threw three attacks at Lloyd, a bite, ram, and a kick. To me it is very unrealistic that Lloyd would be able to defend all three attacks by only turning slightly left.
+ 1| Attack: Hoof attack to Ricochet's hocks.
- 1| Attack: Bucking at Rico's stomach. This doesn't make sense to me because Lloyd is positioned behind Ricochet. The way you write the attack is that when Lloyd comes down he spins and bucks at Rico. You're assuming that Ricochet is going to turn around and assuming in a battle is dangerous.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
CHALLENGER -- Round 4
[Realism]
+ 1| Attack: Biting at Guns.
- 1| Defense: How did Lloyd not get hit by any of Midas' attacks? Again there were multiple attacks thrown at Lloyd and there was no mention of any of them. I understand that Lucius used his magic to bring Midas down, but Midas was still attacking Lloyd. It is very, very unrealistic for so many attacks to miss especially with Lloyd being as big and slow moving as he is. Please be more careful with this.
+ 1| Attack: Head thrash to cut Midas' legs.
+ 1| Attack: Biting at Midas and attempting to pull him down if he remains hovering.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
CHALLENGER -- Round 5 (defense only)
KNOCKED OUT
CHALLENGER
[Injuries]
- 1|Burns from Ricochet's magic.
Comments: Overall Lloyd was an interesting read and I think you have a fairly good grasp on your attacks. Defense wise was a bit lacking because Lloyd took very few hits in the fight. At one point all of Madyrn and Midas' attacks missed which is highly unlikely and unrealistic. I think you're getting there, just work on how to take attacks rather than disreagrd them completely.
TOTAL
Challenger - 11
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Lucius
CHALLENGER -- Round 2
[Realism]
+ 1| Attack: Using magic against Jaydan.
+ 1| Attack: Horn charge at Ricochet.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
CHALLENGER -- Round 3
[Realism]
+ 1| Being blinded by Ricochet's dust.
+ 1| Defense: Lowering hindquarters to protect his legs.
+ 1| Attack: Rearing at Ricochet and striking out with hooves.
+ 1| Attack: Horn attack when coming down from the rear.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
CHALLENGER -- Round 4
[Realism]
+ 1| Attack: Magic use against Midas to bring him down from the sky.
- 1| Defense: Taking Aaron's charge and breaking a rib. I definitely would not have taken an injury like a broken rib or even fractured. At the very most I would have taken deep bruising that would make it hard for him to breathe and thus hinder his fighting ability. It's just bad, bad, bad to break bones.
+ 1| Attack: Head thrashing to catch Aaron with his horns.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
CHALLENGER -- Round 5 (defense only)
[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: Rolling to try and put out the fire.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
CHALLENGER
[Bonus]
+ 1| Magic use.
- 1| Edited post.
[Injuries]
- 1| Broken rib.
[Creativity]
+ 1| "Color the earth a crimson red and let the stars weep for those who are about to lose their lives this night. War… it is an ugly sport."
Comments: Lucius was fun to read, I think you've grasped his character very well. I especially love how he's a bull and lives up to his name by charging with his horns and running everything down. Also loved his stop, drop, and roll response to Aaron's fire. The only thing to note is that sometimes your paragraphs could be a little choppy and it affected the flow a little. Other than that good job!
TOTAL
Challenger - 19
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Korra
CHALLENGER -- Round 2
[Realism]
+ 1| Attack: Horn charge at Aaron.
0 | Attack: Kicking at Aaron's hind legs. This attack was a little confusing to me because the way the previous attack was described you made it sound as though she were approaching from the rear. "Flank to chest." You also say that her horns had been aimed directly at Aaron's side, but there is no mention of her turning in any direction to make the attack fit in more cohesively.
+ 1| Attack: Horn slash at Aaron's side.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
CHALLENGER -- Round 3
[Realism]
+ 1| Attack/Defense: Throwing her head back to try and catch Vikram with her horns, thus evading Aaron's bite.
+ 1| Defense: Taking both attacks from Vikram and Lace and remaining standing.
+ 2| Attack: Horn slash at Kiara + bite.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
CHALLENGER -- Round 4
[Realism]
+ 1| Crashing down on Kiara.
+ 1| Attack: Leaping antler attack at Maskan.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
CHALLENGER -- Round 5 (defense only)
[Realism]
0 | Nothing to defend against.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
CHALLENGER
[Bonus]
+ 1| Rank Magic: Battle Cry.
[Injuries]
- 1| Bruised ribs.
[Creativity]
+ 1| "Yes, he was not much more than a child, but this was war; if he was big enough to get himself into a battle, he must be ripe to die."
+ 1| "There is no time where you feel quite as alive as you do when extinguishing the light in someone else. It was power, it was intoxicating; and Korra was about to get herself proper drunk."
Comments: Korra was great fun to read and in every one of her posts it was so easy for me to envision her as this little machine just tearing up the battlefield. There were just a few hiccups with positioning that left me wondering but after I re-read I understood what you were going for. Overall it was a great fight.
TOTAL
Challenger - 22
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Delinne
CHALLENGER -- Round 2
[Realism]
+ 1| Attack: Horn charge at Ned.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
CHALLENGER -- Round 3
[Realism]
- 1| If Delinne's wound is as painful as we're lead to believe then I don't see how she could forget about the pain and suddenly remember it.
+ 1| Attack: Horn attack against Ned.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
CHALLENGER -- Round 4
[Realism]
- 1| Defense: How did she evade Paladin's bite at her neck?
+ 1| Attack: Kicking at Paladin.
- 1| With the quick pace of the battle I fail to see how the blood from her wound has already dried. I also fail to see how her flesh would be hanging in strips or how ribs could be visible from a horn scrape that was described before as a cut.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
CHALLENGER -- Round 5 (defense only)
KNOCKED OUT
CHALLENGER
[Injuries]
- 1| Cut all the way to the ribs.
Comments: I feel like you took unnecessary damage from Paladin's horn scrape. Emotion was there in your posts, but sometimes the posts didn't flow very easily and made it a little confusing. I think it was a great first try, especially during something as chaotic as an invasion. In the future to increase your scores I would recommend attacking more often and attacking multiple targets.
TOTAL
Challenger - 9
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10-05-2012, 01:44 PM
(This post was last modified: 10-05-2012, 01:44 PM by Official.)
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A l a n
ALAN -- Round 2
[Realism]
+ 1| ATTACK: Attempt to break the line by ramming Torasin.
+ 1| ATTACK: Horn slash if she manages to skate past him.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
ALAN -- Round 3
[Realism]
+ 1| DEFENSE: Taking Kiba's scratches to the haunch.
- 1| DEFENSE: I think you easily could have avoided Torasin's attack completely. The whole skidding to a halt made little sense, and it just felt like you were taking unnecessary damage.
+ 1| DEFENSE: Taking Kiara's kick to her haunch but avoiding the bite.
+ 1| ATTACK: Stabbing toward Torasin's chest.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion - Alan is very funny in this post, and was a delight to read.
+ 1| Flow
ALAN -- Round 4
[Realism]
+ 1| DEFENSE: Turn right sharply to help dodge Maskan's attack.
+ 1| DEFENSE: Taking Maskan's slam, but not at full force.
+ 1| Taking Kiara's bite to the spine
+ 1| Being smooshed and very unhappy about it!
- 1| ATTACK: Bucking at Torasin: because of the close quarters described, I'm not sure if Alan could actually buck out.
+ 1| ATTACK: Trying to slam into Kiara.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
ALAN -- Round 5 (defense only)
[Realism]
+ 1| DEFENSE: taking bite to the neck instead of the legs to avoid serious injury.
+ 1| DEFENSE: taking Maskan's bite to the thigh, thwarting her escape.
+ 1| DEFENSE: Kiara's rear upon her barrel.
+ 1| DEFENSE: managing to take a pegasus landing on Alan very well.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
ALAN
[Bonus]
+ 1| Mention of the Edge's mist, terrain kept in mind throughout.
[Injuries]
None of note.
[Creativity]
+ 1| "Stupid fast fat horses trying to take her home." made me laugh out loud.
Comments: bitch bitch bitch, lol. I love Alan's personality and spunk during this fight, also her sort of dismissive attitude at times. She was a joy to read!
TOTAL
Alan - 25
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A u r e l i u s
AURELIUS -- Round 2
[Realism]
+ 1| ATTACK: ramming Lace's leg as he's rearing.
- 1| Charging forward after: you should always allow your opponent full ability to defend themselves, and unfortunately that means not retreating before they can respond to your actions.
-2| ATTACK: ramming at Azzuen. You have much in this post which forces Azzuen to take the attack you have dealt at him, making it pretty strong powerplay. The recoil should come in your next post, if and when Azzuen describes the ram hitting his hock.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
AURELIUS -- Round 3
[Realism]
+ 1| DEFENSE: Taking Kali's claws to his neck.
+ 1| DEFENSE: avoiding Kali's second dive and biting at her.
+ 1| DEFENSE: Allowing Azzuen's hooves to hit to the right of his spine, essentially pushing him over to minimize damage.
0 | I'm not going to count off for this because it does not effect the fight, but I wanted you to note that losing a sense does not make the others stronger. They are the same, though you may begin to realize just how much you rely on them without thinking! :)
- 1| ATTACK: ramming at Torasin's leg. I'm counting off on this for redundancy.
+ 1| ATTACK: Blind-bucking as a form of defense.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion: being very frightened by suddenly being blinded.
0 | Flow: the beginning had some unnecessary ramble away from the action. This did not hurt/help it, but disrupted the general flow.
AURELIUS -- Round 4
[Realism]
+ 1| DEFENSE: taking Fajira's burn to his side.
+ 1| DEFENSE: taking Azzuen's magic as a massive migraine. I loved the way you described this, actually. It was very realistic and I could get a feel on how disorientated he was.
+ 1| DEFENSE: Taking the cut to the shoulder.
+ 1| ATTACK: Biting at Leander's thigh.
[Prose]
- 1| Easy Read: I was confused by the sudden burn. You should state very clearly that Fajira's fire is burning his side because it was not overtly obvious.
+ 1| Emotion: World is spinning!
+ 1| Flow
AURELIUS -- Round 5 (defense only)
[Realism]
Nothing to defend.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
AURELIUS
[Bonus]
+ 1| Kept in mind injuries throughout the invasion, headache from headbutts, muscle pain, etc.
[Injuries]
- 1| Severe burn to the rump.
[Creativity]
Nothing of note.
Comments: Aurelius handled himself well in the fight. You had some problems with redundancy of your attacks, and at times using commanding language. Overall, you did great!
TOTAL
Aurelius - 14
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M o n s t e r
MONSTER -- Round 2
[Realism]
+ 1| ATTACK: Slide-ramming Archibald as he steps out in Monster's path. I would be very careful here because you were skirting powerplay.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 2| Emotion: great sense of urgency and loyalty to Mauja.
+ 1| Flow
MONSTER -- Round 3
[Realism]
+ 1| Mention of pain at falling in the dirt.
- 1| ATTACK: stabbing at Archibald. This is made very unclear, and I wasn't really sure if you were trying to attack or not.
+ 1| DEFENSE: Takes Paladin's bite to his shoulder.
+ 1| ATTACK: Trying to stab/slice at paladin's face.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
MONSTER -- Round 4
[Realism]
+ 1| DEFENSE: Taking Archibald's bite.
+ 1| DEFENSE: Losing his balance.
+ 1| DEFENSE: Falling into Paladin to avoid's Rico's buck was smart and fun.
- 1| Not staying put to allow Paladin to react/retaliate is slight powerplay, as it assumes your opponent does nothing.
+ 1| ATTACK: Battle cry magic.
+ 1| ATTACK: Horn slice and kick toward Ricochet.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
0| Flow: very jagged and rushed.
MONSTER -- Round 5 (defense only)
[Realism]
Nothing to defend against.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
MONSTER
[Bonus]
+ 1| Magic use
[Injuries]
None of note.
[Creativity]
+ 1| Awww touching Mauja and Monster moment at the end.
Comments: Monster is always a joy to read. He is so fun and interesting! In this battle, I really enjoyed his struggle to aid Mauja and his annoyance at the obstacles in his way.
TOTAL
Monster - 21
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L e n a
LENA -- Round 2
[Realism]
+ 1| DEFENSE: Allowing for Mirage's tail cutting her shoulder.
0| DEFENSE: Being thrown off balance by Jaydan's wingbeats. I was not entirely sure if I should count off for this or not, but it seems unlikely that such a big animal would be tossed off path by this.
+ 1| ATTACK: Attempting to stab Azzuen's haunch.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
LENA -- Round 3
[Realism]
- 1| DEFENSE: Allowing Rishima's ram to knock Lena to her knees seems unrealistic to me. She might have been tossed off kilter, but I doubt she would fall.
+ 1| DEFENSE: ducking to avoid Rishima's bite, having it land on her neck, also allows Azzuen's kick to miss her.
+ 1| ATTACK: Trying to stab Rishima's exposed stomach.
+ 1| DEFENSE: Taking Rishima's kick to her haunch.
+ 1| ATTACK: Stabbing at Rishima's neck.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion: steeling herself, lots of determination.
+ 1| Flow
LENA -- Round 4
[Realism]
+ 1| ATTACK: Trying to slice at Tares's already weakened leg and pulling it up toward her flank.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
LENA -- Round 5 (defense only)
[Realism]
Nothing to defend.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 2| Emotion: beautiful closing sentiments.
+ 1| Flow
LENA
[Bonus]
+ 1| Mention of dust and smoke in her eyes.
[Injuries]
None of note.
[Creativity]
+ 1| "Now, she was like them, pervading the grounds with the devilish croon of villainy and disorder." - This was beautifully written and really sets the tone for the rest of the invasion for Lena.
Comments: You write beautifully, Heather. I enjoyed reading your posts and feeling the inner turmoil of Lena during the battle. I felt like she was very consistent, and you made smart decisions about attacks. I would try to reconsider how you respond to others from a defensive standpoint, though. You did great!
TOTAL
Lena - 21
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G i s e l l e
GISELLE -- Round 2
[Realism]
+ 1| Using Psyche to tagteam Paladin.
+ 1| ATATCK: trying to stab Paladin's chest.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
GISELLE -- Round 3
[Realism]
0| DEFENSE/ATTACK?: Horn lock - I was really confused about this, even with the description you put in. I was not entirely sure how you would manage this without losing an eye, but it would be effective to hold Paladin still if he gets caught up in it.
+ 1| DEFENSE: Using Giselle's magic to counter Paladin's was really smart.
+ 1| ATTACK: Rearing to try and hit Paladin's shoulder with her hooves.
[Prose]
0| Easy Read: struggled to understand horn lock.
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
GISELLE -- Round 4
[Realism]
+ 1| DEFENSE: Moving in rear to avoid being gutted by Paladin, but still taking a scrape to the belly.
+ 1| DEFENSE: Taking Paladin's kick to the chest.
+ 1| ATTACK: Seizing the opportune moment to stab at Paladin's buttock.
+ 1| DEFENSE: Taking Kri's ram to her side.
+ 1| ATTACK: Blood freezing magic on Kri.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion: omg did I just get gutted!?
+ 1| Flow
GISELLE -- Round 5 (defense only)
[Realism]
+ 1| DEFENSE: Taking Kri's kick to the nose.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
GISELLE
[Bonus]
+ 2| Magic Use: really awesome use of her defense against Paladin's magic.
[Injuries]
None of note.
[Creativity]
Nothing besides the magic already stated above.
Comments: Giselle hates her brother! This is an awesome fight though, and I can feel her frustration and anger during the fight at all times. You made no glaring errors, though I would avoid horn locks in the future. :P
TOTAL
Giselle - 23
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P s y c h e
PSYCHE -- Round 2
[Realism]
+ 1| ATTACK: Trying to stab at Paladin's side when he is distracted.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
PSYCHE -- Round 3
[Realism]
+ 1| DEFENSE: Dodging right to avoid Kri's hooves.
+ 1| DEFENSE: Taking Kri's bite to the neck.
- 1| DEFENSE: Even a large gash to the side would not bleed "profusely". Heavily bleeding areas are the ears and legs because there are more blood vessels that are easier to break open. Plus, this is a large injury to take early in battle, which easily could have been avoided.
+ 1| ATTACK: Charging for Ned with horn lowered.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
PSYCHE -- Round 4
[Realism]
+ 1| DEFENSE: Taking Ned's kick to the shoulder.
+ 1| ATTACK: Kicking into Ned's path to try and his his throat.
- 2| You clearly state that she gets out of Ned's path after this attack, which leaves him no room for retaliation and is in fact powerplay.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
PSYCHE -- Round 5 (defense only)
[Realism]
- 1| DEFENSE: Taking damage to an already injured area and letting the deep gash run through to the bone.
+ 1| DEFENSE: Dodging Paladin's bite by slamming on the breaks.
+ 1| DEFENSE: Taking Paladin's scrape to her hindquarter.
0| Recoil from her stop is good, but it sounds like you have a fracture of the shoulder, which is not good.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
PSYCHE
[Bonus]
Nothing of note.
[Injuries]
- 1| Fractured shoulder.
- 1| Deep cut (to the bone) on the left side.
[Creativity]
+ 1| "[E]ven if death was imminent, there was glory for this one moment."
Comments: You took a lot of unnecessary damage during this fight. I enjoyed your writing and your emotion throughout, and it was all very nicely worded. However, you still have to think about how Psyche will fair after the fight. You never want to break bones or gather serious injury unless they are completely unavoidable.
TOTAL
Psyche - 15
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D e s c a r o
DESCARO -- Round 2
[Realism]
+ 1| ATTACK: Ramming Tares's right side.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
DESCARO -- Round 3
[Realism]
+ 1| DEFENSE: Taking Arbutus's claws to his neck
+ 1| DEFENSE: Dodging the bite, but burning his chest/forearm.
+ 1| ATTACK: bucking at Tares.
+ 1| DEFENSE: Allowing Tares's wings to burn his rump.
+ 1| ATTACK: Trying to stab at Leander.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion: Afraid of Tares's fire.
+ 1| Flow
DESCARO -- Round 4
[Realism]
+ 1| DEFENSE: Taking Tares's stab to his shoulder.
- 2| You spend a lot of time describe a loss of blood, when the areas he has been cut are are not big bleeders. You didn't make any note that they were particularly deep either. Ultimately, his burns would probably be foremost on his mind and not the loss of blood.
+ 1| ATTACK: Bucking at Leander.
+ 1| ATTACK: Rearing at Tares.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
DESCARO -- Round 5 (defense only)
[Realism]
Nothing to defend.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
DESCARO
[Bonus]
None.
[Injuries]
- 1| Loss of a lot of blood.
[Creativity]
Nothing of note.
Comments: I loved Descaro's attitude during this fight, but I think you made his injuries out to be worse than they really were. It is good to show some exhaustion, but make it sensible! You had very capable and realistic attacks and defenses, so I think you are well on your way to being a magnificent fighter! Good job.
TOTAL
Descaro - 18
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FAELENE
CHALLENGER -- Round 2
[Realism]
+ 1| ATTACK: Horn aimed at Tares
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 2| Emotion - beautiful use of emotion
+ 1| Flow
CHALLENGER -- Round 3
[Realism]
+ 1| DEFENSE: Running from Tares' fire wings
+ 1| Realistic hit on the shoulder from the spear
+ 1| ATTACK: kicking out at Azzuen
+ 1| DEFENSE: Using Aurelius and Lena to escape being injured again
+ 1| ATTACK: Tries to thrust upward with her horn to catch Azzuen
[Prose]
0| Easy Read: The contrast between passive and active voice was very confusing, and I often did not know exactly where she got hurt. I had to reference the synopsis too often.
+ 1| Emotion
0| Flow: Could definitely use better, smoother transitions
CHALLENGER -- Round 4
[Realism]
+ 1| ATTACK: trying to bite Leander's haunches
[Prose]
0| Easy Read: When you use "she", you have to dinstinguish between the multiple female characters in the vicinity.
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
CHALLENGER -- Round 5 (defense only)
[Realism]
+ 1| Staying with her own team instead of going to her love :(
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
CHALLENGER
[Bonus]
[Injuries]
- 1| Spear to the neck
[Creativity]
+ 1| "So war it would be. It did not bother her it came to this, she realized she did not want to live with the alternative."
Comments: This was really, really good for your first try at a brand new Helovian battle style! Just make sure that you be overly specific with where your character is getting hit and where your character is attacking. IT's better in these situations to dumb down rather than be overly artistic.
TOTAL
Challenger - 18
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MAUJA
CHALLENGER -- Round 2
[Realism]
+ 1| ATTACK: Ice spikes
+ 1| ATTACK: Horn aimed at Aaron
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 2| Emotion - lovely emotion!
+ 1| Flow
CHALLENGER -- Round 3
[Realism]
+ 2| DEFENSE/ATTACK: Took a bite to the flank and kicked out in reflex that was also an attaack
+ 1| ATTACK: Attempting to bite leander
+ 1| DEFENSE: realistically falling down and scrambling back up again
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 2| Emotion - stunning emotion from Mauja
+ 1| Flow
CHALLENGER -- Round 4
[Realism]
+ 1| DEFENSE: Taking hooves to the shoulder when down
+ 1| ATTACK: Ice in Vikram's blood
+ 1| ATTACK: Leaping to gore Jaydan
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
CHALLENGER -- Round 5 (defense only)
[Realism]
+ 1| DEFENSE: realistically took a wing to the head
+ 1| DEFENSE: realistically took a horn to the canons
+ 1| DEFENSE: taking a kick to the forearm
+ 1| DEFENSE: using ice magic to block fire
0| DEFENSE: I think Mauja could have avoided running head first into his own ice, but the dodge of Fajira was clean
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
0| Flow: I often got confused as to who you were talking about with "he" and where things were. This was very busy.
CHALLENGER
[Bonus]
+ 1| Ice magic!
+ 1| Relatively uninjured!
[Injuries]
- 1| Cut canons
[Creativity]
+ 1| "He felt the ancient power of the ground thrum up through his legs, the soft whisper of wind and shadow."
+ 1| The "I - can't - hold it - together" set of lines was amazingly crafted and really put me in the moment.
+ 1| Very creative leaping attack at Jaydan.
Comments: Extremely clean race with the extra magic use from the Edge winning the Herd Champs. I would focus on trying to somehow cram more transitions into already long posts, which is difficult. Also, defining the "he's" in your sentences would help the read.
TOTAL
Challenger - 30
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CINEVIAM
CHALLENGER -- Round 2
[Realism]
+ 1| Dodging to try to attack Mirage was interesting
+ 1| DEFENSE: Dodged Mirage but still took a hit to the hip
+ 2| ATTACK: Very creative attack to kick out at Mirage and include his slightly injured leg as a possible defect
+ 1| DEFENSE: readying to face Mirage again
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
CHALLENGER -- Round 3
[Realism]
+ 1| DEFENSE: moving away and still taking a hit from Mirage to the hip
+ 1| DEFENSE: takes bite to neck
+ 1| ATTACK: Kick out at Mirage
+ 1| ATTACK: Ash magic distraction to Mirage's face
+ 1| DEFENSE: turn away from Vikram but still takes a hit to the neck and shoulders
+ 1| ATTACK: tries to clip one of Vikram's wings on his way
[Prose]
0| Easy Read: This was a little confusing in some areas, especially when you have mutiple attacks. I Would focus on trying to introduce very clear, leading transitions.
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
CHALLENGER -- Round 4
[Realism]
+ 1| DEFENSE: tried to get away, but repeat abuse to same hip
0| DEFENSE: Took fire to the tail, but did not mention any loss of use of his hind end.
+ 1| ATTACK: Charge at Mirage and swing head to site to cut her
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
CHALLENGER -- Round 5 (defense only)
[Realism]
+ 1| Recognition of pain and stumbling back to help
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
CHALLENGER
[Bonus]
+ 1| Magic use
+ 1| Mentioned difference between body types in post
[Injuries]
- 1| Severe hip injury
[Creativity]
+ 1| "In this chessboard of mortal flesh and bone there was no distinction from King to Pawn or Rook to Bishop—there was only a wash of colours—the sides unclear once they've clashed upon the foggy checkerboard."
Comments: I loved the emotion you had in your posts! I would just work on transitions.
TOTAL
Challenger - 27
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| Stallion :: Equine :: :: |
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DEIMOS
CHALLENGER -- Round 2
[Realism]
+ 1| ATTACK: Horn to Madyrn's body
+ 1| ATTACK: Kick to Madryn's body
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 2| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
CHALLENGER -- Round 3
[Realism]
+ 1| DEFENSE: Logical and realistic hit taken to his hip
+ 1| ATTACK: Aim to slice Madyrn with horn
+ 1| ATTACK: Ram shoulder
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion
+ 2| Flow - This post had a very nice cadence to it; it was very enjoyable.
CHALLENGER -- Round 4
[Realism]
+ 1| DEFENSE: Good take of hooves to the same hip
+ 1| DEFENSE: Nice dodge, but still realistic hit to the neck
+ 1| ATTACK: Horn swinging at Jaydan
+ 1| DEFENSE: Very nicely and logically written avoidance of Jaydan's teeth
+ 2| DEFENSE/ATTACK: Defensive rear turned into an attack push was very clever
0| Good avoidance of the fireball, but I think more explanation of how he contorted to get away from it would have been appropriate.
+ 1| ATTACK: Magic use on three victims
[Prose]
+ 2| Easy Read - I normally have a hard time deciphering your unique style, but the way you wrote this was both clear and artistic
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
CHALLENGER -- Round 5 (defense only)
[Realism]
0| I enjoyed him watching and describing the final battlefield, but a recap or thought on his injuries would have been nice.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 2| Emotion - very Deimos to watch his enemies and wish more harm upon them
+ 1| Flow
CHALLENGER
[Bonus]
+ 1| Magic use
+ 1| Good use of environment description
+ 1| Cleverly and logically uninjured
[Injuries]
- 1| Injured hip
[Creativity]
+ 1| Style: Consistent, well cadenced, and artistic
Comments: Your posts are always a pleasure to read, and I very much enjoyed these. I would focus on making it more clear what your character is feeling pain wise.
TOTAL
Challenger - 31
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RICCIARDO
CHALLENGER -- Round 2
[Realism]
0| Attack on Rishima was not clear
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 2| Emotion - beautiful emotion
+ 1| Flow
CHALLENGER -- Round 3-5
KNOCKED OUT
CHALLENGER
[Creativity]
+ 1| "Whatever injuries that he would sustain, he would bear them with the knowledge that he had fought bravely."
Comments: I would have loved to have read more!
TOTAL
Challenger - 5
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ARABELLA - KNOCKED OUT
CHALLENGER -- Round 2
[Realism]
0| Not clear how Arabella was trying to distract Mirage from Korra
+ 1| ATTACK: Horn aimed at Lace
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 1| Emotion - very good emotion! I really got the feel of Arabella here
+ 1| Flow
CHALLENGER -- Round 3
[Realism]
+ 1| DEFENSE: Very realistic response to be barreled over by a shire! This was refreshing!
+ 1| ATTACK: Slashing at Archibald angrily. I loved this.
[Prose]
+ 1| Easy Read
+ 2| Emotion - her emotion is clear and so awesome!
+ 1| Flow
CHALLENGER -- Round 5
Knocked out
CHALLENGER
[Bonus]
+ 1| Mentioning two different body type sizes between her and Archibald
[Creativity]
+ 1| Emotion was so good!
Comments: I wish I could have read more. You are a very balanced fighter.
TOTAL
Challenger - 12
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QIAN Vs EDGE INVASION :: EDGE Rubrics
