KAJ

the aurelight

It felt like he was drowning beneath still waters, unable to break surface tension. Fully capable of reaching out and finding air once more, but held captive by the illusion of the limits above him. He sought understanding, a way to avoid falling into the pit of his own sorrow, for he'd lived in those depths for so long. It was a place Kaj never wanted to return to, because he didn't want to pity himself forever or watch everything good in his life - no matter how little - disappear into dust because he did not believe he deserved it enough to hold onto it with all he had. 

These answers eluded him, as he tried to find faith in a breast meant for battle and black-and-white. How could a man of blood become a man of blessings and faith? He was broken and useless to immortal, powerful beings like the Helovian gods. What did they care for him? He could offer them nothing, and surely they did not live off faith itself. How could he be so presumptuous as to assume his own importance in the scheme of their infinite lives? His heart was a tangle of thorns, and no matter what direction he tried to take he scored and sliced himself to pieces. 

At first, as he sensed that he was no longer alone, his heart gave a lurch of hope that perhaps he'd been answered after all. Somehow. But when he turned his head to find the prickling source of disturbance, he found only a burned and brindled mare, familiar in her exoticism but far from what he'd been praying so desperately for. We ask for change, but the change that comes is sometimes not what we anticipate, whispered into his head, and though she'd never spoken the words, it sounded oddly like Evangeline. Was this his sign? Was she the one who would place her tender hands upon his battered soul and show him the light to salvation?

And he remembered her, standing in the snowy landscape inside his borders, eyes fluttering in pleased rapture as he dragged the vat of tea to her for the enjoyment of the crowd. The priestess of the Dragon's Throat, the one that had mistakenly wandered into the birth of Aylin's son. "Miss Maren," he rumbled with croaking, rasping voice, trying so hard to pull upon some sort of strength. Turn himself into a fully functioning leader, when it was so far from his grasp. Until she spoke, and he felt his efforts buckle beneath the echo of old understanding that he saw in her coin gold eyes. 

His eyes turned listlessly towards the shrines, not sure how to phrase what he needed to say. So full of faith was she, how could she understand the plight of a soldier so far removed from the glow of heavenly grace? 

"I am but a mortal soul, with nothing to give that would mean anything to a God. What does my faith mean to them?" Throat is thick with old wounds and too many nights left lonely and barren in a time when all he'd needed was a reminder that he had a greater purpose. If he even had one in the first place. Mighty golden head shook, eyes like turmoil and war-torn skies that haunted him nightly. "There is nobody to advise me, and no Gods to give me answers. I can't traverse this path alone, when I don't even know how to rely on a God that I believe would see nothing in me." He could learn to trust them, to trust in fate and a higher power. But he could not trust in himself, in believing that they would support him, because he did not deserve it. 

"I'm trying to pray?" he finally answered lamely, not really sure what he was doing but only knowing the why's. Until he turned and regarded her, and the burns across her beautiful hide, and his face fell. "I've done you a great disservice, Miss Maren," he said, heartfelt but solemn. "I am very close with the Earth Medic of my home, I know of salves for those burns even if I've no magic to undo it immediately. May I tend to you?" He could not learn what he so sought, could not protect himself or learn to love the soul inside the shell he'd been born into. But above all else he knew how to heal, to protect, to shield. His own integrity and purpose could crumble, but he'd stand strong forever on the ideal that he was capable of helping those around him.