MAUJA
Realism [+0.5]
You have a lot of fighting experience and a good grasp on how fighting works, yet I constantly felt like your realism had areas where it was lacking. Your attacks and defenses were generally well described and made sense, but your injuries were left short and rarely appeared again later in the fight, and you didn’t seem to utilize terrain or breed differences in any way other than an occasional, shallow mention. For instance, I’d have liked to see something about the dusk light, whether a blinding glance at the sinking sun or how it cast weird shadows making it hard to see attacks, or how the fog just at your feet made it difficult to track movement, or just something that explained that you were fighting in something other than a blank realm full of some dirt and grass.

In your first post you did mention a bit of your breed and the speed that comes with it (though all you mentioned was the breed, the speed read implied) but you didn’t do anything with it. I was also left confused in this post how Mauja charged at Rohan’s shoulder when Rohan had his antlers lowered? I’m not sure how he could have realistically avoided those tines, so that attack did not come off as plausible.

In your second post you did bring in some of the terrain which I enjoyed seeing, and your defense and attacks made sense. Your injuries also made sense, but didn't go into enough detail for me to fully understand the depth of them and so I couldn’t gauge if you’d taken enough damage for a roll of 4. I did however like that you had your own magic attack cause you injury!

In your third post you do bring in some terrain, but again it’s very mild. You take two bites from rohan, but even though you had the one go for your eye, it didn’t read like enough damage, especially for a critical hit. Obviously the eye is a tender region, but it’s also protected by a lot of bone so biting it is difficult for any creature to do. You explain it’s painful, but you don’t really detail the injury, just that it hurts and it’s hard to see, which feels more like a damage range of 3-4 instead of a critical. You return fire with a rear which works, but I’d have liked to see some mention of your older injuries like your burns and your gouged shoulder which would have been in use with your pawing attacks - you touch on it yes, but again not with much detail and it certainly doesn’t seem to hinder your attack in any fashion. I did like the eye as a source of the injury though simply because that’s not one people usually take damage to!

In your final post you state that mauja took Rohan’s buck squarely to his shoulder, but an attack like that should be pretty devastating as a horse’s buck is one of its stronger attacks - yet you rolled a damage of 3 and write off the injury as just a grunt-worthy pain, which left me disappointed and seemed very unrealistic.
“Two, pale hooves smacked solidly into the flat of his right shoulder, smearing dirt upon the streaks of red—Mauja's eyes rolled back, a gasp and a grunt leaving his mouth as he absorbed the pain.”

In that same post you also have some minor power play:
“The blood on his chest smeared against Rohan's sandy fur, leaving a grim stain as the Warlander joined him in rising.”
Rohan did not say Mauja’s blood smeared on him, so you cannot say that it did. Although this doesn’t affect anyone, it’s still a declarative statement about a character that isn’t yours.

I’d like to see you really explain what is injured, not just that it hurts, but what the injury is and how it will affect the way you fight. I’d also like you tie in stats and terrain more often to explain why something works, or doesn’t, to help bring a better element of realism in. Your attacks and defenses though are well done, and your explanations of those are spot on.


Emotion [+3]
I was never left wanting to understand Mauja, and I loved it. You are so skilled at tying in feeling to the battleground, which most people struggle with, but it seems to be the only purpose Mauja ever fights so you do it effortlessly with him. The way you got inside Mauja’s head was spectacular!

A favorite from post 1:
“...and fuck, his fighting mantra had become ‘I'm sorry’.”

A favorite from post 2:
“He hated the sound of pride. He hated the sound of adrenaline-induced excitement. He hated everything that had to do with an appreciation of violence.”


Prose [+4]
I absolutely loved reading all your posts. You have such a gorgeous style and you create such vivid imagery and memorable quotes constantly! You really have a unique perspective on how to explain things, especially feelings or themes, and it’s amazing.

A favorite from post 1:
“ ‘.. whatever,’ he finally said—or tried to say—because the rust had stolen his voice when bitter anger gave it no bite, so it came out a raspy whisper.”


Readability [+3]
Very easy to read and understand with no noticeable grammar issues or sentence structure problems!


Finally tally: 34+(10.5*2)-10(over 800 words in 2/3)= 45 HP


ROHAN
Realism [-1]
You did really well for being a newer fighter, and you seem to have pretty good fighting mechaics with the timing and the movement. You do describe things well, but your injuries need some work with explanation and remembering to mention them during the fight. I’d also have loved to see more stat involvement, explaining why something did or didn’t work because of agility or endurance etc. Similarly, though you do mention terrain a post or two, you don’t really use it and it’s very brief, so I really felt like you guys were just fighting in a dirt pit surrounded by nothing - for instance, I’d have liked to see something about the dusk light, whether a blinding glance at the sinking sun or how it cast weird shadows making it hard to see attacks, or how the fog just at your feet made it difficult to track movement, etc.

In your first post you have what looks like a simple directional error, but drastically changes what you were trying to accomplish. You write that you’re evading Mauja’s charge, but you evade into him when you wrote right rather than left, so that made your entire response to his attack unrealistic and implausible. The damage you took however was great for a roll of 1, especially with the way you detailed it out:
“...his sideways movement having saved him from being thrust backwards, though he struggles to regain his breath.”
The only thing I want to touch upon is that it’s unlikely he’d be out of breath given 1. it’s such a small damage roll and 2. being hit in the chest doesn’t affect horses the same as people regarding breath. A horse is more likely to be winded when hit in the neck (for obvious reasons) or the sides, the chest/shoulders are so well protected with muscle and bone that the lungs are tucked safely away and nothing can really get compressed enough - maybe with a full on buck.

The way you explained your turn to bring your antlers into Mauja was great and you mentioned some breed and terrain, though didn’t really use it too much, as in in what way does that breed difference or terrain help or hinder you?

In your second post the way your write taking the buck was odd to me, because though you mention it and that it hurt, it was like it had already happened? I don’t know how to explain it, and I couldn’t find anything wrong exactly, but it just read oddly compared to the way you took your damage in all your other posts (including the fire damage later in this same post). That being said, you don’t describe the injury very much and it just seems forgotten about as quickly as you’re done writing it, which was disappointing, especially given it was a buck which can be pretty powerful. You took more damage with the fire, but again I was left wanting more explanation of the injuries sustained (how badly was he burned??) and so overall it felt like you did not sustain sufficient damage for a roll of 5, which you easily could have, given your sources were a buck and fire, it just wasn’t detailed enough. I’d also liked to have seen how that injury would continue to affect you in the fight - instead you go right into lurching forward to bite at Mauja’s face as if just being burned all over your neck and back didn’t bother you at all.

You also wrote this:
“...the Warlander’s flanks grazing the ground as he forces himself to slow...”
Which doesn’t make sense because a horse’s flanks are more near the hips, so very tall and very side-ways. Maybe this was an anatomy error or writing oops, but just reading it as is it was unrealistic for that to occur.

In your third post you write as if Mauja pushed you into a rear. Now, I think you meant it to be like, because Mauja reared that of course a good response is for Rohan to rear, which is very common in fighting horses, but the way it read was more like Mauja physically pushed you up which didn’t make any sense. You fall backwards, which is risky, but fit really well given your 6 damage roll, however you don’t really seem to sustain much injury from it (just some scrapes as you termed it) which again didn’t seem like enough damage. You also didn’t mention any of Mauja’s attacks with his forehooves, which even if they missed due to you falling, should have been explained as missing. I was glad to see you touch upon your burns, but you don’t seem hindered by them in any way as you get up, turn, and buck, all in one fluid movement. I would have liked to see some inclusion of exhaustion as well by this point in the spar, especially given Mauja has the higher endurance stat - a buck takes some energy, especially right after getting up (which can be difficult and ungainly for a horse to do).

Overall you have a pretty good idea for what attacks and defenses work, but to bring in better realism really describe your injuries to make sure the damage matches the dice roll, and continue to mention them as you fight. Try and draw in more breed/stat differences and terrain mention and use!


Emotion [+2]
You did a really fantastic job at constantly providing motive and purpose to Rohan’s tactics and involvement in the spar. I also liked how you tied in some past experiences, such as his pre-helovia experiences with his father and the Rift wars! I definitely felt your first few posts were stronger and it slowly got more lost to technical writing as the fight went on though, especially given how the fight ended. I was a lot more curious why Rohan really felt he couldn’t give up at the end (because you needed one more fight post still, but transform that OOC reason into IC!).

A favorite from post 2:
“...and it feels strange, to actually see evidence of his fury, of his power carved into the flesh of an ally, a friend...”


Prose [+3]
You had really beautiful writing that moved together really well with excellent flow and imagery. You utilized a wide vocabulary and really helped set the scenes, a joy to read!

A favorite from post 1:
“His large antlers remain poised, brandished proudly and ready for a fight, too eager to offer distraction from a problem he couldn’t possibly understand. In this, it is simple for the young warrior. He doesn’t need to understand (it is not in his nature to pry Mauja’s secrets from the depths of his grief), he simply offers a helping hand in the only way he is comfortable with—the blinding and distracting release of control. Rohan will do this for his king, if nothing else.”


Readability [+3]
Very easy to read and understand with no noticeable grammar issues or sentence structure problems!


Finally tally: 29.5+(7*2)= 43.5 HP