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11-30-2015, 08:24 PM
i gave up on myself a long time ago
i blink at the foreign concept of home, home. it sounds strange, it is strange. the word brings back cruel, grueling thoughts of back when there was safety and a sense of belonging. back when i had somewhere to be, someone who cared for me. knowing that my home was no more, that it had been swept away under the rug with the rising of a new generation, ripped down as soon as Seele's flesh began to tear and burn against the heat of the wild darkness. my gut twists and churns because all i can remember is Seele, ebony and crimson with spreading alabaster all wonderful and motherly. mein kleine, the cordial name sending a shiver down my back digging sickeningly warm and nostalgic thoughts into my head while simultaneously sending guilt rushing into my veins.
i am a murderer, amateur at my craft. my faults are plenty, the compiling evidence against me towers ever higher with each crime i commit. my mind draws blanks when i try and recollect what i'd forgotten, what bits and pieces i can toss together are rather grotesquely pulled as a collective into some wrecked, sick collage. what all these scattered memories meant to me was that i was doing terrible things when the world turned black and my emotions took over. the scariest part was that i could feel these this change before it occurred, i felt myself slipping further and further into the recesses of my head.
i stay silent, listening to my unsteady breathes as tangible cold clings to my skin, layering over where Sia's warmth had been. my gasp is soft and unheard, tumbling from my lips like a subtle summer breeze. even in tallsun the steppe was frigid, a wasteland of nothing for miles. it held little life, merely snow, sorrow and the lingering sense of hopelessness as one wanders across its expanse. and here we are, together breaking through that bleak landscape, bringing life and prosperity with our warm bodies and vicious tension.
oh was the air tense.
i could feel something was off, as though you'd nudged a painting slightly out of place on its spot hanging from the wall, leaving it off kilter by a reasonably unnoticeable amount. you'd have to look real close to realize that it was rotated slightly to the left far too much. this tension pierced my joints and held me stiff, knees trembling because i could feel the oncoming storm, knowing it was going to hit me like a brick wall.
the words that fall from Sia's lips feel— not like her at all. my stomach does a flip and my world drops from a great height and shatters into shards, too many to piece back together. i feel myself unintentionally falling back, receding into the confines of my ivory prison as i begin to gasp and pant. i didn't want to die, no no NO. i don't want to die, i DONt WAnT to DiE.
i̺̦̩̜̯̤̥̔͐̂̽̽ ̦͚̬̗͓͇ͅdO͎̠̟̞̭̖̙̎ͦ͛̽̒̽͢Ň̴͔̙̬͔͕̬͛͌̚'̨͍̣̭͍̆ͤͮt͋̉̊ͪͤ͏̱͉̯ ̷̘͍̥̎ͤ̾́̇̄W͔̯͂̆̋A̙̯̻͖ͭ̐ͪ́̈́̈́̄n͓̤̤̳͆̽ͅT͎̻͊ͥ̀ ̡̞̦t̵̠̦̊̓ͬͮÓ̤̬̠ͦͭ̋͛ͪ̃ ̤͎̭ͯ̄ͧ̐ͅD̷̬̱͇̦̟͍̹̃̽ͭ͛̌ ̪ͮI̟͋͆͋̏̐ ͍̟̠̭̝̝̾̈́͊̿̔̓̽E̢͓̬͈͖͍̎
my conscious is slipping between my fingers like sand, bursting from the seams comes a hurricane of thoughts that aren't mine. i'm being pulled, ripped, torn away from my own head, like someone's trying to vacate the space for their own purposes. it's a losing battle as i grit my teeth and let out rapid hiccups, air becoming a rare thing as my body begins to reboot like a computer system. i'm able to grasp reality, fingers slipping ever so slowly as a dark figure threatens to crush the last link to consciousness that i had. it's threatening, looming over and awaiting my final words and thoughts, i know it will strike soon enough. it just wants this bittersweet moment before it can tear me apart form the inside out.
i feel a comforting wet nose against my shoulder, sympathetic calm bringing a soothing light to my mind. "breathe, please. getting worked up again. becoming not you." Sameira's voice brings solace to my mind, cooing quietly as my panic spreads. she holds the beast at bay, but only for a short span. this time limit consumes my thoughts as holes in my mind begin to flower, taking with it the oldest memories and barreling closer and closer to the new, to the now.
"st— stop." finally my voice works, syllables broken as soon as they leave my tongue. i felt like she was angry at me for failing at self care, that she was blaming me for everything that was wrong with her life with her callous tone and sharp tongue. maybe she was right, maybe i did fuck her up with the things i did when we'd been overcome with some rotting, disgusting disease that left my flesh peeling and skin melting like i was wax to a flame.
oh god i remember—
i remember screaming at her that it was all her fault, taunting and teasing and letting it all happen. i want to vomit and yell until i'm hoarse because maybe i did fuck her over, maybe i tore Sia open and left her exposed to guilt and whatever else came trailing along, attracted by the stench of her pitiful tears. i feel my throat constricting and finally give way to my disastrous panic, feeling the pressure of my anxieties on my ribs. "i'm sorry— i'm sorry, i'm sorry." i crumble into a puddle of despair and dejection as my feelings tear apart all that i'd built up in the past few months of isolation.
all this work just to have my walls brought down again by an abrupt embrace and a handful of harsh words from the person i depended on most. in these final moments my fingers slip from reality's edge and i tumble into a world of dark, dark nothingness.
( ©hunter/©flickr.)i am a murderer, amateur at my craft. my faults are plenty, the compiling evidence against me towers ever higher with each crime i commit. my mind draws blanks when i try and recollect what i'd forgotten, what bits and pieces i can toss together are rather grotesquely pulled as a collective into some wrecked, sick collage. what all these scattered memories meant to me was that i was doing terrible things when the world turned black and my emotions took over. the scariest part was that i could feel these this change before it occurred, i felt myself slipping further and further into the recesses of my head.
i stay silent, listening to my unsteady breathes as tangible cold clings to my skin, layering over where Sia's warmth had been. my gasp is soft and unheard, tumbling from my lips like a subtle summer breeze. even in tallsun the steppe was frigid, a wasteland of nothing for miles. it held little life, merely snow, sorrow and the lingering sense of hopelessness as one wanders across its expanse. and here we are, together breaking through that bleak landscape, bringing life and prosperity with our warm bodies and vicious tension.
oh was the air tense.
i could feel something was off, as though you'd nudged a painting slightly out of place on its spot hanging from the wall, leaving it off kilter by a reasonably unnoticeable amount. you'd have to look real close to realize that it was rotated slightly to the left far too much. this tension pierced my joints and held me stiff, knees trembling because i could feel the oncoming storm, knowing it was going to hit me like a brick wall.
the words that fall from Sia's lips feel— not like her at all. my stomach does a flip and my world drops from a great height and shatters into shards, too many to piece back together. i feel myself unintentionally falling back, receding into the confines of my ivory prison as i begin to gasp and pant. i didn't want to die, no no NO. i don't want to die, i DONt WAnT to DiE.
i̺̦̩̜̯̤̥̔͐̂̽̽ ̦͚̬̗͓͇ͅdO͎̠̟̞̭̖̙̎ͦ͛̽̒̽͢Ň̴͔̙̬͔͕̬͛͌̚'̨͍̣̭͍̆ͤͮt͋̉̊ͪͤ͏̱͉̯ ̷̘͍̥̎ͤ̾́̇̄W͔̯͂̆̋A̙̯̻͖ͭ̐ͪ́̈́̈́̄n͓̤̤̳͆̽ͅT͎̻͊ͥ̀ ̡̞̦t̵̠̦̊̓ͬͮÓ̤̬̠ͦͭ̋͛ͪ̃ ̤͎̭ͯ̄ͧ̐ͅD̷̬̱͇̦̟͍̹̃̽ͭ͛̌ ̪ͮI̟͋͆͋̏̐ ͍̟̠̭̝̝̾̈́͊̿̔̓̽E̢͓̬͈͖͍̎
my conscious is slipping between my fingers like sand, bursting from the seams comes a hurricane of thoughts that aren't mine. i'm being pulled, ripped, torn away from my own head, like someone's trying to vacate the space for their own purposes. it's a losing battle as i grit my teeth and let out rapid hiccups, air becoming a rare thing as my body begins to reboot like a computer system. i'm able to grasp reality, fingers slipping ever so slowly as a dark figure threatens to crush the last link to consciousness that i had. it's threatening, looming over and awaiting my final words and thoughts, i know it will strike soon enough. it just wants this bittersweet moment before it can tear me apart form the inside out.
i feel a comforting wet nose against my shoulder, sympathetic calm bringing a soothing light to my mind. "breathe, please. getting worked up again. becoming not you." Sameira's voice brings solace to my mind, cooing quietly as my panic spreads. she holds the beast at bay, but only for a short span. this time limit consumes my thoughts as holes in my mind begin to flower, taking with it the oldest memories and barreling closer and closer to the new, to the now.
"st— stop." finally my voice works, syllables broken as soon as they leave my tongue. i felt like she was angry at me for failing at self care, that she was blaming me for everything that was wrong with her life with her callous tone and sharp tongue. maybe she was right, maybe i did fuck her up with the things i did when we'd been overcome with some rotting, disgusting disease that left my flesh peeling and skin melting like i was wax to a flame.
oh god i remember—
i remember screaming at her that it was all her fault, taunting and teasing and letting it all happen. i want to vomit and yell until i'm hoarse because maybe i did fuck her over, maybe i tore Sia open and left her exposed to guilt and whatever else came trailing along, attracted by the stench of her pitiful tears. i feel my throat constricting and finally give way to my disastrous panic, feeling the pressure of my anxieties on my ribs. "i'm sorry— i'm sorry, i'm sorry." i crumble into a puddle of despair and dejection as my feelings tear apart all that i'd built up in the past few months of isolation.
all this work just to have my walls brought down again by an abrupt embrace and a handful of harsh words from the person i depended on most. in these final moments my fingers slip from reality's edge and i tumble into a world of dark, dark nothingness.
@Sikeax
