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12-12-2015, 04:51 AM
the aurelight
At first, with how Miykael's face shuttered and convulsed upon itself, Kaj thought he would be denied. That he would finally find an answer, come all this way, only to have salvation barred against him. This was all that could save him, he was sure of it. He needed Miykael to see that, to understand that Kaj was on his last legs. There was nowhere else to turn, nothing else he could conceive of doing. One way or another, he would get rid of those memories, and not all the options were pretty. Miykael, at least, he could trust. Somehow. He had to, he would do anything to fix this. To fix himself. And he wondered a little hysterically whether Resplendence was stronger than him, to bear her own burden, or if she'd simply never thought of doing what Kaj was doing right then. Maybe he'd ask her, though with how conflicted Miykael looked, he wondered if it was kind of him to even be standing here begging him to use a magic he clearly was not comfortable remembering much less using.
Kaj wondered if he'd get to the point where he'd demand Miykael do it, as his Czar, should he become desperate enough. It was a sobering, sickening thought.
Except finally, right as Kaj grew restless and desperate, Miykael capitulated. If he were not so desperate, he would have felt a stronger wave of guilt. He was forcing the healer's hand, as it were, and Kaj never wanted to make him feel so uncomfortable. But this was something that had to be done, not only for the good of himself but for the good of the herd and those he loved. Certainty held no place here, though it did exist somewhere in the clasp of his ribs and the fading echo of his heart. It didn't matter, not when Miykael was agreeing, stepping closer with a look of concentration and resignation upon his pale face.
"Thank you," shuddered out of Kaj's mouth, his entire body trembling mightily, legs shivering even as the tremors faded. It was like a prayer, ripped from his throat and deposited before Miykael, an offering. "Thank you, Miykael." It was barely a whisper, baby blue eyes slipping closed and body going lax with relief. It was so close he could taste it, he just needed to live through the memories one more time. Just once, and he could be free of them. Completely free.
With little hesitation the dark one reached out to brush her maw against Kaj's taut shoulder in greeting, knowing him to be a loyal fellow with strong morals and a solid heart. It was admirable, the manner in which he lived his life, and she was glad to have him in her ranks. She faded away, blurred and hidden, her valor, beauty, and wiles unwinding like woven strands. And Mirage's kindness, the mixed feelings she'd inspired in his heart that day, also blurred into nothingness.
"Kahlua, I believe I heard your name was?" And she fades away like broken hearts and wish-dust, and if his mind trembles like fingers jerking and trying to take it back...only Miykael will know his weakness.
Before he can think it over he acts on his joy, moving to her shoulder to drape a wing over her spine and curl cheek over her neck to hug her close the best he can. Dancing away again, he cannot find the strength to stop smiling. "Thank you, Kahlua, I will treasure it forever. I have never received a gift before. I cannot thank you enough." But she reappears again and again, painted face and bright, pretty eyes. Eyes that dulled with each new memory, a bitterness overtaking her gentle heart, a sadness that he helped foster in her breast. One she returned tenfold upon himself.
Some of them he whispers to Miykael as he brings them up like faded movies in his head, wanting only to cut out certain parts, individuals. Rescuing Kahlua in the underground cavern, though he leaves Resplendence, and Quilyan's aid in killing the stallion. The rest he filters through, waiting until they fade and he is quizzical once more before he moves on. Quilyan asking him in quiet tenor what ailed him, his own breakdown during that event. Kahlua's attempt to leave Helovia, and himself stopping her. For a moment he thinks of letting memories of Quilyan slip away, but he cannot. Not entirely. But he does let the memory of himself asking Quilyan what love felt like fade away, too hurt by the connection to Kahlua.
Even Alysanne faded away, her pretty face twisted with hatred too hard an image to bear. And he could be a coward, here, with only Miykael as his witness. He didn't have to judge himself, could get rid of the memories no matter the level of pain they caused it. It was freeing, even while they tackled the multitude of his memories together. A long, daunting process.
Promoting Aurelia, the closeness of he and Kahlua in that moment. And his response to Aurelia's challenge of Kahlua, of Alysanne, though he keeps Semira and Archibald where they belong rightfully in his memories. His first long evening with Evangeline, with his worried heart. He thrusts the memory of Kahlua's confession of love towards Miykael with a prolonged whine of pain that escapes his maw into the physical world, for he cannot forget it faster than Miykael can block it, surely. It is...odd, how he feels when it is gone. Puzzled by the remaining memories he has yet to proffer, but...far more at peace than before. But they are far from done, and he wonders if Miykael will judge him for everything he sees in Kaj's head, the muted words and the blood and tears. After all this, the healer would likely know more about Kaj than any other in the world. Even himself, in the end.
And they start another round, after a period of rest.
Kaj running to Evangeline after Kahlua's confession. Kaj trying to confess his own love to Kahlua only for her to cruelly, coldly, shut him down. And a tear slips down his cheek as he goes through the mental reel of his and Kahlua's fight, when she had turned up pregnant in the Edge with the Earth God's child. Feels as if a boulder has been released from his shoulders when it fades and disappears in his memory, leaving only the vow he'd made. A vow he would keep, for Isopia meant far too much to him to turn away that kind of memory.
The others are both easier and harder, as Kahlua begins to fade away bit by bit in his memories. Thor's accusations after his fight with Thranduil. Thor's judgment and Mirage's return. He cannot bring himself to forget Cirrus, and so he leaves her there, wild and beautiful in a time when he'd once been happy, though he folds the memory inside his palms a few times in contemplation of it all. Parelia's confession. His outburst at Tandavi when faced with Lace's death.
And finally, the root of it all. The reason he'd broken, the straw upon the camel's back - Brisa. He'd done this in some small way for and because of her, but as he holds the memory of his falling in love with her, his own confession...he wonders what he should do. She deserves better than him, is all he can remember. So shouldn't he erase that, too? With a mental shrug he does, offering one last memory up to Miykael though neither of them physically move.
And then at last, it's all over.
Image Credits
credit bronzehalo
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