I am done with this wretched life of war and blood. As I drag myself to Onni's shadow and my side buries itself in the ground, as the blood pools and clots, I decide that I will never fight again. Breathing is too difficult and I cannot focus, not on anything but that fact that I will never fight again.

I will devote myself to my family, to another path if one presents itself to me. I was not born to fight, not even to protect. I accept now that I was born to be the protected one. I long for Aure, her touch at my side, the vision of her beauty as she approaches me with confidence and concern; with love. I long for her now. My tail thrashes wildly with the pain and kicks up the dust of what has now become the Qian's home. I should feel triumphant- we won. I feel nothing but the pain, the hurt, the hurt, the hurt, and see nothing but the dizzy blur. I hear my breathing as it labors, sense my lungs pressing against rattled and torn ribs. My wings are nothing but ash. My eyes are filled with tears of pain, I feel helpless, and I do not care.

I do not care about anything but my family now. And Arbutus knows this- he lands upon my withers and weeps for me, does his best to aid me but can only abate some of the pain. The blood still burns red and hot form the wound; his fires cannot save this.

I see unfamiliar faces in the dim and want to speak but cannot. I understand faintly the idea that I could die here, that perhaps no one will see me and I will rest neglected, forgotten. I wonder if Arbutus will send for help, or if he does not yet understand the concept. I so easily forget that he is still a child.

I long to see my childs' eyes. I have spent too long away from them, not just for the duration of this battle. I do not spend time with them as a mother should- but do I not love them? Do I not yearn for their attention as they do mine, do I not regret every moment we are apart? Why is it then that I keep myself away- why can I not be the mother I should be?

It is too much thinking. The pain washes over again in an overwhelming wave, and I collapse even deeper as my muscles lose control over my body and I become a limp figure on the ground. I should speak- I am too tired to speak. This is all that I know.