the Rift


[JUDGED] Shoot First [Ashamin v. Ciceron]

Ashamin the Clovenheart Posts: 426
Outcast atk: 8 | def: 11.5 | dam: 5.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 15.2 HH :: 5 [Frostfall] HP: 79 | Buff: NUMB
Lochan :: Plain Cerndyr :: Dark Mist & Rakt :: Common Cerndyr :: Starpast Jen
#3
[quote='Ashamin' pid='162968' dateline='1449875668']

ASHAMIN


Lochan was so often Ashamin's savior. Now more than ever, the small cerndyr's keen pair of eyes kept Ashamin safe. With the mists obscuring the scene Ashamin could see nothing of the stranger that his companion had uncovered--a lapse in his senses that he would quickly regret ignoring. The painted buck should have been more careful, should have waited to see the opponent before challenging, but the eagerness inhabiting him had gotten the better of his reasoning.

So Ashamin stood, hoof outstretched, awaiting the response that would come too late. Not all were as straightforward as Einarr, not all as willing to introduce and explain as Torleik. His spar with the psycho-babbler (Isopia) had taught him that, if nothing else.

When the warning came it was a flash in his mind: a crude picture drawn by Lochan that reflected the eyes of the tigress at his back. Ashamin heard the growl, understood his mistake. He had not challenged another unicorn, no. The figure in the mist was a predator--perhaps some distant relative of the feline rift god that it had taken so many to subdue. Ashamin tried to snap back and face it but there was simply no way to combat a tiger's flexibility or speed. Even with Lochan's aid, he could not walk away unscathed.

The haruspex slammed his white cloven hoof back into the muddy, heavy sand. It was silent, every move muffled by the soft pattering of rain and the dulling cushion of the shore. These were no rocky slopes; Ashamin was far from the hard, frozen ground he was accustomed to. A tigress, though, had soft pawpads possibly designed for such terrain. How could he compete? Lochan's warning gave Ashamin a second to prepare, but the environment took the advantage away. As the haruspex tried to run he felt the ground shake, saw the ghost of a grey shadow parting the mists, and watched helplessly as his hooves sank weakly into the shuddering sand. However, the buck did not have time to wonder about the approaching shade--did not have a second to wonder if perhaps there was another attacker in the mists that had turned the shore into quicksand--when the tigress landed.

When the tigress landed, Ashamin's already sinking form shook. The addition of weight, the digging in of claws, the sheer bruising impact of it all was staggering. An unfettered cry forced itself out from between the haruspex's black and white lips, echoing through his clenched teeth as he steadied himself on his forelegs. His hindquarters, having taken most of the weight, were the hardest to right. They folded under the onslaught, and Ashamin held onto a grunt as he forced them to straighten beneath him. The motion was like a muffled scrabbling, something that was muted and made ineffective in the sucking sand.

The only advantage, the only positive spin, was this: though the tiger had dragged him almost to the ground; reduced his height; caught him off guard; and latched onto his back with killer claws; Ashamin was pulled under the aim of the grey shadow and true attacker. The horn of the already taller enemy missed him completely the moment that Ashamin's body lowered, the moment his head had drawn down to his chest in agonized instinct. Protect the heart, hide the face from the jaws that would snap and tear flesh from a skull. The painted buck's heart beat loudly, adrenaline coursing through him as streams of blood fell from the puncture wounds and dripped down his flanks. He could hear nothing but the blue electric beat, could put no effort into launching an attack of his own.

Thus, as he so often did, Lochan stepped in as Ashamin's savior.

Without command, the dark cerndyr's mists mixed with those already covering the shore and wove through the patter of the rain. They dove as if animal, hopefully reaching the unicorn attacker and muddling their thoughts. In the meantime Ashamin inhaled, molded his own heart with his spark and warrior's spirit magic to harness the adrenaline and drown out the hurt, and swung his body leftwards. If all went as planned, he might fling the tigress from his back and to the earth in front of its commander. The haruspex could hear none of the opponent's words through the pounding of the blood in his ears, could think nothing of "smart tactics" as he struggled to be rid of the snarling load. There was no time to see or listen, not enough visibility in the misty rain and the splattering of wet sand for Ashamin to make heads or tails of how he compared to his enemy. The painted seer only felt the blood, falling hot from his sides and running through his veins. It was all that he could handle.

""



The Haruspex
Image Credits



Word Count: 799/800
Post: 1/3 A | 0/0 D
Timeline: Standard (3 weeks)
Setting: Late afternoon at the Halycon Flats. The sun is behind clouds and there is a faint drizzle/light rain, covering the shore in mists and making everything gray. The air is cold and damp.
Injuries: Puncture wounds and bruises on his back.
Notes: To judge--sorry both Nickel and I forgot to mention, but this is an OOC teaching spar, I'll be giving notes.

TEACHING
Since you started things off I can't speak to how you took damage, but overall I think you had a good groundwork here. Your attacks are realistic and make sense, as long as Ciceron has more violent intentions than simply a spar. If Ciceron is just looking for a "workout" though, then maybe the attacks are a bit intense. Again, though, that makes sense depending on your own character's definition of what is or is not very violent; this doesn't have to be and often dramatically is unknown to the opponent but it should be defined for the reader. In general though, trying to stab with a horn outright and siccing a tiger to jump on the back sounds pretty intense to me.

You did have a lot of attacks, which I do think is worth mentioning. Though all three made sense, together they are a lot for the person taking damage (in this case me) to work with, and also make our timeline more complicated. Because not all your attacks were simultaneous (Kiara leaped, Ciceron leaped, then landed and went for the stab) you force me to insert Ashamin in between those attacks, but his options are limited by you having already written into the future. To break this down:

Kiara tried to pounce. This is fine, makes sense for a tiger to do and is very typical of a predator. A super realistic tiger move, good job. You had good wording with trying to do it so I am not forced to take the attack. BUT you say in your summary that Kiara "tries leaping up on Ashamin to bite and claw whatever she can get a hold of." Your post itself just says she tries to pounce on Ashamin, so I can't actually write her biting and clawing. The judge won't read your summary, since the post has to speak for itself without needing external clarification, so if you want to include a summary for yourself/the opponent you have to be sure that what it says is in your post, too. You had plenty of words left (a wise judge once told me to use the word count to my fullest advantage, it is your friend!) and could have elaborated on this to make it mean what you wanted.

Next: Ciceron leaps to do war stomp. Though I'm not sure why he had to leap to do this since it's a stop rather than a jump, it works fine. The problem comes when Ciceron lands. By having Ciceron land and then attack AGAIN before I can post, any option to write interfering with Ciceron when he was not landed is lost. For example I may have had Ashamin rush forward and rear to collide with him, try to knock Ciceron off balance, etc. I can still write Ashamin doing stuff independently, but not anything that interacts with Ciceron.

So by now you already have a lot going on, so you can probably see why the third attack makes it a lot overall, possibly too much. For simplicity's sake it's often easier to do just one, maybe two, attacks in a post. Three is in my opinion about the absolute max and you have to be careful with ordering and wording, too.

There were some sentences that could have been improved upon by using some more of those words, and a couple spelling and grammar things that I noticed/encountered:

" Seeing his opportunity to sneak his way in..."
  • This was confusing to me. Was Ciceron really sneaking? He's coming from the front, and while it's misty and he is gray, you didn't mention those in your post when they perhaps would have helped you. Since Kiara is from behind (or did she circle back there? A bit unclear) I thought at first he was, too, which was also strange. In my post, Ashamin spoke to Ciceron, "the stranger", so we know that Ashamin has sensed he is not alone. I will admit I should have written clearer, but I was trying to keep things open. As is, Ciceron's sneaking makes it feel like Ashamin wouldn't have sensed him. He didn't "try" and sneak his way in so it's definitive.

    Sidenote: Don't forget breed and height differences! Ciceron is a whole hand taller. Kiara is still big enough and tigery enough to jump onto a horse's back, but she's not as big as a real tiger and you should bring that up. I understand it's misty, but Ciceron is getting close enough (and Kiara's eyes are sharp enough) that you should be able to pick out some of Ashamin' build or general appearance, at least.

    It's great to see Ciceron being Ciceron. He's a great character and he's very focused on his role as a fighter. I liked that you used his past experience/memories of sparring with Volterra in this, it's often a good way to ground the character in a spar mindset and do the same for the reader, too. I would have liked to see some more of Ciceron in the moment, maybe even some more of his relationship with Kiara, (again, you had room for these in the word count) but overall good job. :)

    Ciceron has a good and straightforward style. It's clear that you know him well. I think in general Overall, what a great start! I'm very excited to see where this goes.


  • See Ashamin's profile for more information about Lochan, Rakt, and his various items.
    All magic and force allowed, barring death and permanent injury.
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    Messages In This Thread
    Shoot First [Ashamin v. Ciceron] - by Ashamin - 12-11-2015, 06:14 PM
    RE: Shoot First [Ashamin v. Ciceron] - by Ciceron - 12-28-2015, 09:18 PM
    RE: Shoot First [Ashamin v. Ciceron] - by Ashamin - 12-29-2015, 05:25 PM
    RE: Shoot First [Ashamin v. Ciceron] - by Ciceron - 01-11-2016, 10:33 PM
    RE: Shoot First [Ashamin v. Ciceron] - by Ashamin - 01-20-2016, 08:55 AM
    RE: Shoot First [Ashamin v. Ciceron] - by Ciceron - 02-01-2016, 07:58 PM
    RE: Shoot First [Ashamin v. Ciceron] - by Ashamin - 02-21-2016, 08:38 AM
    RE: Shoot First [Ashamin v. Ciceron] - by Ciceron - 03-12-2016, 08:30 PM

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