the Rift


[JUDGED] Shoot First [Ashamin v. Ciceron]

Ashamin the Clovenheart Posts: 426
Outcast atk: 8 | def: 11.5 | dam: 5.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 15.2 HH :: 5 [Frostfall] HP: 79 | Buff: NUMB
Lochan :: Plain Cerndyr :: Dark Mist & Rakt :: Common Cerndyr :: Starpast Jen
#5

ASHAMIN


The moment he was free of the tigress on his back, Ashamin's heart soared with relief. The motion tired him, and readjusting to the lack of weight caused him to slip in the muddy sand, but for a moment after he recovered the haruspex was able to just stand, to just feel himself as he was.

What was Ashamin? Well, he was having a shit day. Pain did more than prick him, it tore him up. He stood breathing, taking advantage of whatever affect Lochan's mists appeared to have on the silver stallion, but every exhale was hurt and struggle, every inhale a reminder of how he was just barely hanging on. Simply the soft stir of air on his back, so covered in cuts on top of bruises, brought with it subtle agonies that Ashamin would not soon forget.

Lochan, sated with success but concerned for his bonded, darted farther from the fray and flashed images in Ashamin's mind as he tried to get a clear view. Lochan was small and agile enough to get around the attackers, but he knew that Ashamin would prefer he instead play the distant role of the watchtower. It was this decision alone that saved Ashamin from the tigress' next move--the haphazard painting in Ashamin's mind of a set of fangs alone that spared him.

The image came with a wave of panic, and Ashamin took a small hop-like jump forward to try and clear himself of the tigress. With his legs off the ground he kicked both hooves back, striking blindly but hoping the tigress might be behind him. Even that motion, though, simply moving the body below his spine, tugged at the cuts and bothered the bruises. He landed in a swift moment, a grunt filtering through his teeth as he shut his eyes tightly.

Shut them tight enough and maybe he could keep out the pain, maybe he could... no. The moment he landed, his eyes still shut, an image flashed in his mind. Two hoofprints solid and strong, inked marks sent by his companion a second too late. Ashamin opened his eyes and turned his head to the sight of his enemy's hind hooves moving towards his side--opened his eyes to complete pain.

The movement to the left had exposed his right, the landing in the mud weakened his stance, and the other stallion's superior height and strength caused the attack to hit with full force. Ashamin felt the hooves press into his side as if they were hot irons. Given that he was shorter than the opponent, the buck hit high on his side and just where the tigress' claws had cut, knocking the painted buck towards the back of his ribs where they joined with the same vertebrae that sat beneath bruised muscle. The crack was sharp and immediate, the pain even more so. When before he'd taken lacerations and bruises, now Ashamin took a sharp hit that went straight to bone. His teeth gnashed together but not before a cry came loose from somewhere deep in his chest. It was the desperate and contorted call made by the losing forces in war.

Were Ashamin not in so much pain--were his forelegs not slipping in the mud as he struggled to stay standing, was his right side not burning, were his lungs not knocked empty--he might have tried to speak and ask for this violent challenger to cease his onslaught. Maybe the painted buck was getting cocky, but he wasn't a fool. He knew when to cut his losses, and now might be the time to do so.

Lochan, though, would not so easily give in. The sound of his bonded's hurt rang in his ears and set off first a panicked, prey response and then a deeper, more powerful one. A big rage filled the little cerndyr, causing him to charge for the stallion that had harmed Ashamin with so little discrimination, with no intention other than (as far as Lochan knew) cruelty. It was a small war cry, a desperate young bellow, but still Lochan ran forth with his head lowered and the buds of his antlers swinging as he hoped to tackle the backs of the enemy's forelegs.

Somehow, out of the corner of his rolling eye, Ashamin saw his companion. Air rushed back into his lungs and as he managed to get his legs righted under him, a call of "Lochan, no!" rang free. For once though the cerndyr thought nothing of the danger, or of where Ashamin would want him to be. Lochan thought only of revenge and return: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. He would protect Ashamin at all costs; who else did the little eye need in life but the haruspex?

""



The Haruspex
Image Credits



Word Count: 796/800
Post: 2/3 A | 0/0 D
Timeline: Standard (3 weeks)
Injuries: Puncture wounds and bruises on his back.
Note to judge: At the time of this spar, Ashamin had not yet received the Bulk buff and so his strength was lower than Ciceron's.

TEACHING

What Worked
  • Companion Relationship: This was just beautiful. Seeing Kiara and Ciceron work together was awesome, and the way that her point of view and words flashed in his head, as well as his memory of raising her, showed that they're a great team.
  • Emotion: I got a good sense of emotion in this post too because I knew about the companion relationship, those worked hand in hand. I also really liked seeing Ciceron's frustration when his attack didn't land and he got hurt from the previous injury.
  • Previous Experience: See the above two, but basically I got a sense of Ciceron being a good half of a trained warrior team with his thoughts about Kiara and Volterra.
  • Creative Damage: Nice job with the previous injury acting up! You don't see that a lot and it was very well done, and since it didn't last long or affect him too much it responded well to the dice roll.
  • Environment: Good job keeping the slipperiness of the environment in mind, and I loved your thing about February iced over ponds.

    What Needs Work
  • Noting the Opponent: So you took damage from something other than Ashamin, which was fine, but you still need to mention what Ashamin and Lochan did. This is incredibly important. I wrote that Ashamin swung left, and as far as I can tell Ciceron and Kiara didn't see that at all, Kiara just fell. But how, and in what direction? Ciceron also didn't note why his own attack missed Ashamin, or really much about Ashamin's position throughout your post.
  • Describing Your Attacks: In a misty slippery situation like this it's very possible that Ciceron and Kiara might not know where they are aiming, but it's important for your opponent that you make this clear. You said Kiara tried to bite Ashamin with poison fangs but made no note as to where, and since it's not clear where she is in relation to Ashamin I can't really figure it out. In order to take that attack, I'd sort of have to powerplay where Kiara is in relation to Ashamin, which means I don't have the option of taking it at all. Ciceron's attack was clearer but still left me a little in the dark, since you didn't say which side of Ashamin Ciceron is on or aiming for, or even more specifically what part of the side (since it's a big body part, there's options). I also wasn't sure if you meant barrel was what he was aiming for, or if you were just saying it was a barrel kick. Either way, it's all a bit confusing, so be sure to use directions.
  • Not Taking Damage: Specifically, when you realistically might. You were pretty vague about Kiara's landing on the ground, but chances are if she was thrown off like you said, a landing would hurt. It's true cats land on their feet, but in slippery mud, when falling only a short distance, and if you're being shaken around, its harder to do that. Just be wary of putting yourself in situations when you might take more damage than you need to without writing the damage being taken, you could have written her jumping off of her own will and maybe scratching at Ashamin's back one last time with hind claws as she did and it would have allowed her to land more safely and even make a clear attack.


  • See Ashamin's profile for more information about Lochan, Rakt, and his various items.
    All magic and force allowed, barring death and permanent injury.
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    Messages In This Thread
    Shoot First [Ashamin v. Ciceron] - by Ashamin - 12-11-2015, 06:14 PM
    RE: Shoot First [Ashamin v. Ciceron] - by Ciceron - 12-28-2015, 09:18 PM
    RE: Shoot First [Ashamin v. Ciceron] - by Ashamin - 12-29-2015, 05:25 PM
    RE: Shoot First [Ashamin v. Ciceron] - by Ciceron - 01-11-2016, 10:33 PM
    RE: Shoot First [Ashamin v. Ciceron] - by Ashamin - 01-20-2016, 08:55 AM
    RE: Shoot First [Ashamin v. Ciceron] - by Ciceron - 02-01-2016, 07:58 PM
    RE: Shoot First [Ashamin v. Ciceron] - by Ashamin - 02-21-2016, 08:38 AM
    RE: Shoot First [Ashamin v. Ciceron] - by Ciceron - 03-12-2016, 08:30 PM

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