CICERON
Realism [0]
You do well to incorporate past experiences in Ciceron’s posts. I loved his recent history with Volterra, and how that spar affects this one with his injuries as well as his determination to find another fight. The father back history with his father is great too, because it unfolds another dimension of Ciceron as a character. Great job!

Make sure that you respond to everything your opponent writes, even if the attack misses. From your writing, it is very obscure on how Kiara responded to Ashamin’s retaliation, except that she just fell away. Not only do you have to mention what your opponent has done, and how you respond to it, it is also important to react to how your previous attacks have fallen. Often, this can help with emotion. Is he happy they fell the way they did? Angry they missed? Etc.

Also, it is very important to use directional language. You need to write directions on where your character is in terms of the opponent, as well as directions where and how you attack. You write that Kiara tries to bite Ashamin, but not where in any way. There is no description of where she is in terms of Ashamin, or in where she attacks. You need to strive to be completely clear on this so that your opponent can respond well without falling into having to powerplay where your character is. Likewise, you do not mention where Ciceron attacks except for “Ashamin’s side”. Which side? Where is Ciceron? The “side” is a very large portion of the horse and there are plenty of places to make an assault—be certain to where you are positioning your character, and where they are attempting to attack.

Also, be very careful about the damage you take, and also be mindful of where/how that damage comes. I think you took too much damage from Lochan’s attack to Ciceron’s legs, and it could have been better understood. Jen writes that Lochan’s horns are just buds, which means they are not fully grown in, and probably would not have the power/sharpness to cut into Ciceron. Also, he is a small companion.

In your closing defense, you completely ignore Ashamin’s attack. You had plenty of words to use here, and failed to use them. Make sure you respond to everything written. It would have been nice to see Ciceron react to the use of the amulet.

Emotion [+1]
Emotionally, this spar was very flat. I was grabbed, however, by the bonded and companion relationship—you can tell how much each creature cares for the other. I would have liked to see more emotion in response to attacks, defenses, history, etc. as a whole.

Prose [+1.5]
Throughout the fight, you have several tense changes. You switch from past tense to present tense verbiage in every post. Make sure you proofread. You also have, in post two, an instance of voice change: you continually write in third person, but then briefly switch to second person (using “you”) and then back to third. Make sure you stay consistent in your writing. You also have some errors, listed below:

P1: Halycon :: halcyon

:: grey's, black's, and white's :: no apostrophe’s necessary, there is no possession.

P2: :: “A angered growl” :: an angered
In post two, you wrote: “It was quite like a skating rink in mid February where you can't quite skate or swim, but rather glide across and pray you don't hit a weak point and take the plunge.” THIS WAS GREAT! I loved the imagery. In my head, I saw Ciceron on ice-skates nearly falling on his face. It was great. Keep it up!

Readability [+1]
In your first post you wrote: “Thrusting his head forward he aims to puncture whatever he can find with his horn, hopefully in the process distracting Kiara's attack”, which confused me. Is he attempting to distract from Kiara’s attack, or distract her while she is attacking? Make sure to be clear in your language.

Also, your table font is small and I ask that you increase the size in the future. Otherwise, your posts were easy to follow and understand.

Finally tally: 43.5=(3.5*2)= 50.5 HP


ASHAMIN

Realism [+3]
You definitly know the mechanics of fighting, and your posts are enjoyable to read. You mention the surroundings and how the effect Ashamin and Lochan in this spar, which is always a good thing to incorporate. You mention stats, breed, and size differences a few times but they are fleeting--you do not go on to really describe how these help or hinder your character except in how they make Ciceron's attacks fall on him.

In post three, I think you took too much damage by writing: “passed along the bulging skin that covered a newly cracked rib.” The dice roll was a six, which is a lot, but I think that breaking/fracturing bones is an extreme, severe injury which should be reserved for a critical hit. I warn you to stay away from fracturing/breaking bones, because that is very dangerous to horse's survival!

Emotion [+1.5]
You know Ashamin well, but this spar was sort of lacking in the emotional department. I did enjoy, however, the interactions between bonded and companion. Especially in post two, when you wrote:

“For once though the cerndyr thought nothing of the danger, or of where Ashamin would want him to be. Lochan thought only of revenge and return: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. He would protect Ashamin at all costs; who else did the little eye need in life but the haruspex?”

Prose [+3]
Each post was well written, full of beautiful imagery and captivating. You obviously take time into proof-reading and making sure each post is error-free and understandable.

Readability [+2.5]
Each post was easy to follow, understand, and enjoyable to read.

Finally tally: 34.5+(9.5*2)= 53.5 HP