the Rift


[JUDGED] Pick Up Your Feet [Ashamin v. Auriel]

Ashamin the Clovenheart Posts: 426
Outcast atk: 8 | def: 11.5 | dam: 5.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 15.2 HH :: 5 [Frostfall] HP: 79 | Buff: NUMB
Lochan :: Plain Cerndyr :: Dark Mist & Rakt :: Common Cerndyr :: Starpast Jen
#3
ashamin
&lochan

What came from the bushes was not what Ashamin expected. It had been quite some time since he'd last seen a pegasus, living in the Basin meant that his life was unfortunately lacking in species diversity. Having a winged opponent wasn't a bad thing, though, it was simply a challenge. Hadn't Ashamin been hoping for exactly that?

So when the bushes parted and a bright flash of feathers and fury broke through, Ashamin steeled himself. It was Lochan who, for once, was startled. Surprised by the disturbance, the cerndyr leaped behind his sturdy bonded for safety. Adorned as he was in armor, Ashamin stood as a powerful testament to what could be earned with hard work. The painted could not only protect himself, but he could protect Lochan. Don't worry, little eye, Ashamin said as he watched the foreign body leap with spread wings. I will keep you safe.

It was possible, though, that the painted buck spoke too soon. With the rush of wind brought forth by the mare's wings came sinister breath, darkness so insidious that it incapacitated the haruspex. Ashamin inhaled unconsciously with surprise, and before he knew it, the whole world around him changed.

Ashamin the haruspex was not afraid of the dark or the snow, but when what had been a bright and muddy world around him turned to an eerily familiar blizzard night, Ashamin suddenly found those two aspects of life to be terrifying. Sharp, canine eyes flashed from the surroundings and, filled with horror, the haruspex reared. It was a stroke of luck that the upwards motion saved Ashamin from the brutal force of the mare who, unbeknownst to the haruspex, was charging for his now raised left shoulder. The buck hadn't been given any time to see how much more powerful she was than he before this hallucination had struck. Reason left him, all sense was gone, and the very memory of the mare and the spar slipped away in seconds so that he could not understand the pain he'd just been spared. Ashamin flailed as he struggled for balance, churned his forehooves as he felt his hind ones slip out from underneath him. He could see nothing through the blizzard, and the splashes of mud on his legs felt like snowfall as the mare's magic overtook his mind. Despite his efforts, Ashamin could not maintain his balance. He had bought some time, shredded the seconds that the stranger's magic would possess him with a violent thrashing of hooves and perhaps struck her wing with his daggers if it happened to be near, but nothing more could be done. The body of his father appeared to be before him on the ground, bloody and torn apart by wolves now coming for Ashamin himself, and there was nothing he could do but fall.

Lochan was fast, it would always be something the cerndyr's bonded took pride in, and at that very moment speed saved the companion from a weight that would have crushed him. Ashamin, blinded by hallucination and caught off-balance by the combination of mud underneath his feet and the still-new weight of armor wrapped around him, was a body falling backwards that could not be stopped. His long tail hit the ground first, the coils striking against a patch of ice and scattering sparks in all directions. The body followed, his hind hooves slipping to his right and causing him to fall in the opposite direction and towards the mare. His hoof crashed into an icy puddle and pain followed in waves as a ligament in his right stifle tore fibers as if they were nothing but frayed threads. As hallucination reigned Ashamin felt the tear as if it came from the teeth of wolves. Weakness slid through him as gravity pulled him towards the earth. Lochan leaped around his bonded, braying with concern as Ashamin's pain traveled across their bond.

It's my father, Ashamin thought in the split second before his landing, it's my father, and I've let him die.

The voice of his companion saved him. Ashamin had forgotten him, but Lochan had never kept his bonded out of sight. No, the little eye said as his first word. Safe.

With those words and the passing of forty five seconds of hell, the hallucination faded and the haruspex saw the world around him once more. He felt the rush of air and was blinded by the Thistle Meadow's sunlight. Pain shot through his stifle and disorientation caused new fear to move through his heart as he caught sight of his opponent, the mare who had cast this strange magic on his mind. Something else was there, though, as the moment came to a close. Lochan had spoken to him for the first time. The little eye had spoken.


""
image credits


WC: 799/800
PC: 1/3 0/1

OOC NOTES
What Worked
  • Previous Experience: As you mentioned Auriel is an inexperienced fighter, but the one spar that she has been in she is drawing on and using for specific examples. The way you wrote her borrowing Volterra's tactic was great because it shows that she's learning by copying right now, which is especially realistic given that she's new to this role. The fact that her own magic hurts her too because she hasn't fully learned how to control it is realistic. Tied in with this is...
  • Emotion/Motivation: Auriel is hesitant. She doesn't trust herself, she isn't certain, and this all comes through. It makes for an interesting spar and makes sense for your character. She has self doubt instead of an unrealistic and sudden amazing skill in battle. Even if she were overconfident, her moves might not be so slick because she hasn't learned many of her own yet. She's still determined though, and wants to get better! All this was just really clear to see and came through in your writing, so great job.
  • Environment: Good use of the mud to slip and slide! I wanted to know a bit more about these (what the mud feels like on her body) but overall good job employing it and noting it in general.
  • Breed & Height Difference: Great job making note of these. Just don't forget species differences, too!

    What Needs Work
  • Unnecessary damage: You have to be careful with writing anything in that could be perceived as damage if you haven't taken any. Since there hadn't been any rolls yet, Auriel started off the fight with some attacks that hurt her. Slipping and landing could have sent a shock to her body, and though your use of her magic scratching her throat was clever you wrote it as pain rather than simple irritation or being parched as in the magic restriction, and that could be equivalent to a low damage roll. Just be sure to follow the dice with damage and never give yourself more than you have to.
  • Attack aiming/positioning: It was difficult to tell where Auriel was in relation to Ashamin, in part because of some of her attacks. Her first one came as she leapt at him and was her magic breath--but how far does breath really travel, even a powerful breath? Something like that seems like it might need to be close quarters, and it's unclear how close she intends to be to Ashamin at this point. The other thing was the slam attack, which was combined with a slip and spurred by a glide-jump. The initial leap came from out of the bush, but something like that could cause scrapes or at the very least would be felt/noted by Auriel and should, in turn, be noted by you as a part of the environment. It was smart to use the environment but because you wrote her as having little control over her motion because of the mud and landing, it seems unlikely that she (as previously established, an unskillled fighter) would have enough finesse to aim anything while slipping. By putting her in this position she's more likely to fall and take damage to herself or her wing, which ties into...
  • Awareness of body: You say Auriel is trying to slam into Ashamin's shoulder, but where is her wing as she does this? Is it folded, up, down? Depending on where it is, Ashamin would take the attack differently and you would want to respond to the impact differently as well. Bent at the wrong angle, feathers or bone could snap. Bent at the right angle, it could do some serious damage to Ashamin. Without you writing it in, I'm unable to assume it's in any position and thus my response to this attack is limited. Other parts of her body like hoof, horn, etc all come into play too when a landing as chaotic as hers is in play. If it were a more clearly planned attack they wouldn't be as essential to know, but in this case they're important. Also, sort of random, but she just woke up--is she sleepy at all? Maybe this would affect her body and movement.

    Overall a great start! Looking forward to continuing this with you, happy sparring!


  • See Ashamin's profile for more information about Lochan, Rakt, and his various items.
    All magic and force allowed, barring death and permanent injury.
    Do not tag me, please message on skype instead



    Messages In This Thread
    RE: Pick Up Your Feet [Ashamin v. Auriel] - by Ashamin - 01-12-2016, 10:36 AM

    Forum Jump:


    RPGfix Equi-venture