God damn, why does it hurt so bad?
As I grew older, I had thought of the adventures I would have as an adult. The glory, the mystery. But here I was. Barely two, and I had already thrown it away, on him. The beautiful dark man, who glowed with warmth, who was heated by heatless embers, who showed me that fire could be fun.
But why does it hurt?
I am suddenly aware, so aware of where I am, and I turn my head, looking at all the faces I am surrounded by, and painfully aware that none of them are him. He still has not turned to look at the corpse that had called his name. But there are others, who rush foreward, towards their broken child. My mothers black and white face swims in and out of the crowd, her ultimate destination me, her daughter. My father pushes through, his glistening coat standing out against the rest, his eyes holding me and only me in them.
"Mom... Dad... I'm so sorry..." I said as they both get close enough to hear me, before turning away from them, and pushing forward, closer to him, hell I would make him see me. He was equally as responsible, and he would be just as accountable as I was. I would make sure of it. He wont be able to get away. I wasn't trying to be creepy, or weird. I just needed him, because I couldn't do this myself. He was going to be a father, and no matter how we tried to escape one another, we where eternally tied together through our childeren. There would always be that day on the Steppe, when it was just us, and it would either be a wonderful memory, or it would become filled with shame, but no matter what, the memory would always be there, and no matter how far we ran, or flew, it would always be there, because we had shared something, and it was pretty damn sacred.
"RHOA, TURN AROUND YOU FOOL. I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING."
I hadn't meant to be so loud, but it was all flowing out, and I couldn't hold it in, it just seemed to explode from my chest. But I couldn't make my next words big, or loud, but to me they echoed louder than the rest. Because I then realized at that moment what this meant. "You're going to be a father..."
As these words finally escaped my lips, I slowed to a halt, and stared at him, my barrel moving rapidly as my breath seemed to quicken, and it took me a moment to realize I was crying. I was crying, and I couldn't stop. The realization was hitting me harder than before, and I was completely breaking down. In front of my parents, in front of him and what I assumed was his family, in front of strangers. Not even this happy event could bring me joy, because I was simply terrified. I didn't know if I had what it took to be a mother. I was so young, and yet this was happening. And I had no way to stop it.
I was a glacier, and suddenly I was no longer slowly moving. I was rushing down the mountain face, and I was destroying everything in my path. I was the titanic, and I had hit the ice berge full speed ahead, and I was sinking. I had no idea if anyone could save me from drowning in my fear. But it was seemingly impossible at this point.
"talk talk talk talk "
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