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Through the tempest, he comes. Her eyes flash, glowing by the light of the storm as she sees him approaching. If anything, he's got hotter - maybe because she isn't pregnant with another man's child this time, so she doesn't feel quite as dirty when she looks him up, and down, and up again. Hnng. A wicked smile spreads slowly across her jaws, and a fork of lightning illuminates the gleam in her eyes as she fixes him with her penetrating stare. Oh, yes. She's going to enjoy this. She can't think of many better ways to road-test her body and make sure it's still up to scratch after the trauma of delivering twins, not to mention the small matter of almost dying in the process. To slap flesh and sweat against the brazen brawn of a man, to forget for a few blissful moments that she is a responsible mother now...All this against a backdrop of her favourite weather, a raging storm. She's practically drooling. But, before everything else, she is a warrior. She is the warrior, the General, and the example she sets here must be a shining one. As much as she intends to enjoy this, she also wants to win, or at the very least leave Rohan bleeding and heaving from the force of her blows. She quickly flutters her gaze across his body, noting that he has almost a hand's height on her, that he's a wall of power that could snap her like a twig if he tried hard enough. But she is no stranger to fighting men larger than her, due to her penchant for bedding them and, as a result, having to battle them first. Even in Helovia, she's tangled with three stallions larger than herself, in the forms of Tembovu, Archibald and Deodat. Admittedly she's lost all three, but she isn't one to dwell. Clearly, defeating the big bastards is a weakness of hers, and the only way she's going to conquer this flaw in her technique is by practicing over and over again. He speaks, and she grins through the pouring rain. "Flatterer," she purrs, mock-accusing. For all his rugged beauty, this is business now, not pleasure. When necessary, even the flirty, taunting silver mare can put personal feelings aside and concentrate on what needs to be done. In these adverse conditions - with ground that will quickly become churned, with rain slickening flesh and lightning threatening to dazzle both opponents - it will not be easy, but the ironheart always delights in testing herself. He begins to charge, and Nyx immediately shifts to try and bring herself face to face with him. She doesn't want to let him flank her, where his superior weight could push her over to her side or knock her over completely. Her hooves slalom on the mud and she braces her legs far apart to try and keep her balance, not wanting to end up on the ground and submissive. As he lowers his antlers ominously, the storm queen knows she cannot let him skewer her with them; they are deadly, even moreso when combined with his evident neck strength. So she sidesteps to her right, but there's not enough time, she's not quite fast enough...His left antler clips the left side of her chest, creating a small bruise and a couple of surface-level cuts that ooze blood down her rain-soaked bosom. It hurts, but it's a far cry from the agony she would have suffered had he hit full force. She swings her hips further to the right, trying to bring herself around to face his left shoulder in a T-shape. She arches her neck and jousts her horn forwards, attempting to dig the razor tip into the flesh and muscle of his left shoulder - not deep enough to disable the limb or irreversably maim him should she succeed, but hopefully deep enough for him to know he's in a fight. She hopes that he won't be able to arrest the momentum of his charge, especially as the ground directly in front of him is churned and sodden from where her hooves were and thus hardly ideal for applying the brakes; she hopes that he'll continue forwards and that, as a result, her horn will rasp down the full length of his left side. Dominus, who had shifted out of the way when he saw Rohan's charge, skulks nearby with his usual sulky and brooding demeanour. For now, he doesn't interfere; he has no intention of getting his paws dirty unless he absolutely has to. He simply lurks, a white shadow, sharp blue eyes assessing both his bonded and her antlered opponent. ________ 1/3 - 778 words |
THINGS I LIKED
- Emotion. Wow, you wrote Rohan amazingly in this post! I could really feel his anger, and it's made me want to read through his previous posts to find out what's pissed off Mr Hairy Handsome! You're obviously a talented writer, which is half of the battle (no pun intended) already won. Scoring highly in the 'Emotion' section can be extremely difficult, so the fact you're already drawing me in with Rohan's feelings definitely bodes well for the judging! ^^
- Grammar and spelling - I couldn't see any errors, so really well done! Readability is one of the sections of the judging rubric where it's really easy to rack up points, simply by making sure you proof-read, watch your tenses etc. It's good that you're already doing this! :D So far, on the writing side of things, you're doing a fine job - it's just the finer details of attacking/defending now.
THINGS TO IMPROVE
- 'Arching his thick neck, Rohan aims to spear the silver with the sharp points of his antlers'. This attack is really vague - where abouts on Nyx is he aiming to spear? When it comes to attacks, try to be as specific as you possibly can! Is he going for her right side, left side, front, flanks, shoulders, legs, head? Is he approaching from her side, or did he charge towards her face to face? What made him decide to do this? Is he going full-force, or pulling his punches because it's a friendly spar? Remember, there's an 800 word limit on fight posts, so you had over 250 words left to use in this post. You could have used them to be much more specific on where your attack was aimed for - don't be afraid to get as close to that 800 word limit as you can! ^^ (just be careful not to go over because oops 10 HP penalty)
- You could also have used your remaining words to have Rohan assess Nyx, and observe the differences between them. He's obviously larger than her, so he could try and use that to his advantage by throwing his weight around. Have a look at their base stats, as well - Rohan is much more agile than Nyx (8 to her 5) so he could muse on how to utilise this by darting around her, flanking her etc.
- Also, the surroundings! I tried to pick interesting and tricky conditions in the form of a storm, rather than going with the usual sunny-day-hard ground. As the fight progresses, the ground is probably going to get muddy and churned up, which gives us both ample opportunities to write about how this affects our characters. For example, they might slip, which could aid or ruin an attack, and they might try to compensate for the dodgy ground by not doing certain attacks. So, in your future posts, try to mention the surroundings/weather and incorporate them :D
Other characters have permission to use magic/violence against Nyx at any time.
