MORTUUS NOX
Realism [+0]
You do really well in writing how the surroundings affect Nox, especially when he is in the water. I really liked how you played that part.

Be careful about writing Nox’s knowledge of Ashamin. You write that Nox knows the heartbeat affect is magic from Ashamin, but there is no reference to how Nox knows this so it is sort of metaplaying. You also say definitely later the exact emotions that are painted on Ashamin and his companion’s faces, which is also hard to really deem realistic—especially in the case of a companion. Companions are hard to understand by pretty much everyone except their bondmate and other companions of the same species.

Be careful not to dictate the damage your opponent can or cannot take. It is up to them to interpret the damage given by the dice in relation to how your character attacked, and your job is to simply attack. You can write how your character hopes to have the attack hurt the opponent—which can be really good when you have a reason/history behind it—but I recommend staying away from trying to dictate damage. For instance, you wrote, “Even if the attack did not hit its full mark there could damaging effect from his hooves, weight, or maw”, which is not necessary. We can already assume that even if the attack is not 100% successful but still lands in some way, damage will happen (as per the dice), but that statement also is a starting point of boxing your opponent into responding how you want them to respond, not how they want to respond.

It was good that you had Nox examine Ashamin and note the differences between them, but make sure you do it correctly. You write “The paint was built for speed and endurance, not so much strength and agility. Mortuus on the other hand might be a bit slower, but his Andalusian body was built for war. His muscled body was not only strong, but his ability to maneuver his feet quickly added to his agility. He was ready for whatever Ashamin threw at him” which is not entirely correct. Ashamin has higher stats in every category than Nox aside from agility, which Nox has a 10. Character stats are listed on every profile so that they can be easily referenced, I definitely would make sure you stay to how the stats are written when making a description of your opponent and your own character, especially when comparing them. A good comparison you wrote was: “Ashamin could rule over his heavy black body with a light Arabian like frame in this footing”.

Make sure you are always using language that writes intent, not definitive happenings. You have a few instances of powerplay, noted below:

P1: “Then his powerful rear legs faced Ashamins skull.”

P3: “The vengeful demon took over Ashamins eyes, it was eating his soul from what Mortuus could see.” (this is bordering on metaplay, about knowing Ashamin’s emotions and thoughts without them being clearly relayed by your writing partner)

P3: “His large muscled body charged straight for Ashamins chest”

In post two you write an injury that I am not really sure about, so make sure you always reference what injuries you mean, in post two: “He waded in the water as the fresh cut blead into the surrounding water” – what cut?? Also, I would really like to see how his injuries affect him through the fight. The electrical shock doesn’t seem to have any affect after the initial attack.

Be careful with your timeline. Ashamin called to Nox before Lochan used his magic, and you have those two things flipped.

Another note: location and direction are key. At the beginning of the spar I don’t understand where Nox is in reference to the lake. You have him spin so he doesn’t slip into it, then he runs forward, which makes me imagine he would be running straight into the lake, but that is not the case? Following that, when Nox attacks Lochan you don’t mention anything except that he kicks him. Make sure to reference which leg and the like. Also, pay close attention to how your opponent writes their position and how you respond to it, because you have Nox rearing and trying to hit Ashamin’s back, which means he would have had to run around Ashamin because he is also rearing, which you did not write when they are in the water.

In your closing defense your write, in response to Ashamin’s final attack, “Black powerful rear legs jumped into a buck as he dragged his front end away from the bite”, but I do not think that is too realistic as a defense. It would have made more sense for Nox to try and tuck his butt as he ran away, or try and turn away from Ashamin instead of bucking into him.


Emotion [+2]
Throughout the spar I think this was the most improved area! I think Jen’s teaching notes helped bring this well of emotion up into your writing of Nox, which is good. It was good to see you take teaching points and actively applying them to your spar. I do think, however, that you could put a little variety of emotions Nox is feeling. He sees Ashamin as his father in this spar, which you mention in every post, where I think you could have really explored the history of the father-son hate relationship. You write that Nox sees Ashamin as his father and he is angry, and then at the end suddenly write that he pities Ashamin. While this could be a realistic turn of emotion, I am left wondering why. Don’t be afraid to explore emotion, even with a darker character.

Prose [-2]
You have some good imagery in your posts, but my favorite was especially this part: “A deep blood curdling scream left his maw. It echoed through the mountains, jumping like demons from hell out of the ground.”

The grammar errors in each of your posts were glaring and really detracted from your prose as a whole. I suggest taking the time to reread your posts out loud or plugging them into a word processor do edit before posting them. Also, remember, that when you want to show possession you must include an apostrophe before the “s” on the end of a word.


P1: “His gray cold eyes watched the stag” -- missing a comma

:: “pulsed with every beat as he speed grew faster and faster” -- “as his speed..”, or “as he sped faster…”

:: “The demonic crown skull lowered” – crowned

:: “horns towards the paints right rib cage” – paint’s

:: “Then his powerful rear legs faced Ashamins skull.” – Ashamin’s

P2: “He felt this horns scrape across the stallions side” – He felt his horns scrape across the stallion’s side

:: “mark on the paints skull” – paint’s

:: “He waded in the water as the fresh cut blead into the surrounding water” – bled

:: “ that’s why he last attack was with such force” – the last

:: “card like his brother use to” – used to

:: “It Left him feeling” – lowercase l

:: “he looked to see the small deer that as crept behind him” – remove “as”

:: “He knew at that point of time Ashamin” – point in time

:: “He had Magic” – lowercase m

:: “Mix emotions ran through his head” – mixed

:: “How dare him to mess with his heart It was one thing…” – heart. It…

:: “He let a powerful one leg kick out” – “He let a powerful”, or “he let one powerful”

:: “full mark there could damaging effect” – could be a

:: “walked over by Anyone any more” – lowercase a; anymore is one word

:: “anyone’s shit any more” -- anymore is one word

P3: “The vengeful demon took over Ashamins eyes” – Ashamin’s

:: “His maw turned into a smile the showed how” – that

:: “Now fight me like a Man Ashamin” – lowercase m

:: “His large muscled body charged straight for Ashamins chest” – Ashamin’s

:: “Mortuus tried to ram the paint chest” – paint’s

:: “Upon impact, if his did hit his mark, the sharpened horn would try to impale the left side of the paints neck” – he not his; paint’s

:: “the other stallions body” – stallion’s

Readability [+1]
Your first post was very choppy, with lots of short sentences that should have been connected with commas or semicolons, etc. It was difficult to read because the prose was not smooth. Throughout the fight your posts did not really deviate from this, and your sentences were often repetitive in language and length. I suggest playing around with your vocabulary, sentence length, and the structure of your paragraphs.

Finally tally: 42.5+(1*2)= 44.5 HP



ASHAMIN
Realism [+3]
You have a good grasp on how to translate the dice rolls into damage taken, and are good about describing injuries when they happen. I would have liked to see how injuries affected Ashamin throughout the fight better, though. They seem to be diminishing in each post, and when they are noted it is merely cursory.

You refer to Nox as stronger than Ashamin, but Ashamin is actually higher in every stat aspect than Nox except in agility. Make sure to really pay attention to the stats listed on the profiles for reference. Although their numbers are close for the most part, Ashamin still does have the upper hand except in agility.

I liked in post three how you refer to some instinctual response from Ashamin. It is refreshing to see this, as horses are prey animals. I love the inward combat between the fight vs. flight instinct: “Ashamin's entire body responded in a way that was beyond control. Every thought was reduced to instinct. The prey response screamed at him to run as his skin shivered and his eyes rolled to show their whites.”

You have one instance of slight powerplay when you write: “His magic flew forth on wings of plan; despite the haruspex's guilt, the electric power could not be stopped and headed towards Mortuus without mercy.” Make sure to always use intentional language, even with magic. The trajectory of magic can backfire if you roll a miss!

Emotion [+2.5]
You know Ashamin very well, and his emotions were constantly a delight to read and revel in throughout the spar. Excellent job! Some parts I especially enjoyed were:

P2: “How had this become his greatest distraction, his one hope of keeping himself sane when the sun rose? Was this really a desire to prove himself, or simply an addiction?”

P2: “Ashamin could not bear to look back at Lochan, did not need to in order to understand what was waiting for him in those eyes.

Disappointment.”

P3: “What was the painted buck scared of? Not just the cry from the lake but the cause of it, too: himself.Ashamin feared what he had done, what he had become.”

Prose [+3]
You are a very skilled writer and it is evident in each of your posts. There was only one grammar error I found, in post two. Aside from that there were a few tense changes, but nothing too glaring that detracted from your score heavily.

P2: “was well-evolved to protect itself in these situations” – himself

Readability [+2.5]
Very easy to read with great flow, use of vocabulary, and a high understanding of grammar.

Finally tally: 58+(11*2)= 80 HP