It all comes crashing down on me like the climax of a tragedy, the terrible ending to the tragic hero whose persistent pain and foolishness brought them down. I suffer this pain, immense and unsettling as it rocks closer and closer until my eyes meet Sia's and she's burning brighter than the sun, enraged and absolutely fuming with something I will never grasp. I interrupted something important, something innocent and sacred, a ritual shared between mother and child. It was to be special, with loving coos and gentle licks from the dam while the babe learns the expanse of its existence and the capacity of its love. I do not understand the importance of this process, the ritualistic way in which you must wash the child, maybe because I'd never gotten the chance to have this, to share this moment with my mother (Hang in there baby, please, for mama? Please stay alive oh please please. Don't leave me, not again, I don't want to lose another). She died too soon, leaving me with her dried bodily fluids, flaky and disgusting I came into this world just as I would go out. A disaster, a catastrophic mess whose only talent was fucking things up even more without trying. Seeing Sia so angry over something so insignificant made me want to shout at her, to tell her to get over it because oh fucking well, it's not that big a deal. I was getting colder with each passing second, my intolerance for her temper was growing like a sponge underwater, expanding and soon enough I'd be too full. 

I didn't get her reaction, I didn't understand why she became so angry, so suddenly souring (I swear mother, I've done nothing wrong. I don't know what you're talking about) and letting her features harden. She was scowling at me like I'd insulted her, or spat in her face, like I'd done something so unspeakably terrible. Me, doing the unspeakably terrible thing, when she'd let herself get fucked (Dirty, disgusting, your filth makes me ill. Get away from me). The images of a man breathing hot and heavy, trembling with pleasure because of her, taking her beneath him like a beast, sinning with an angel. 

She wasn't an angel though, not anymore. She'd let someone take their filthy hands and smear them all over, they'd dirtied her and touched her in ways I could only dream, in ways I knew she'd never allow me. Perhaps that's what got to me, that I knew my deep feelings were not reciprocated, that I was cursed to live my life knowing full well I would never be loved. They'd plucked her wings, torn them free from her shoulders as soon as they made that child together, she'd lost her halo when she offered her body. How gross, how sick. I cringe at the idea of Sia speaking to the man, teasing him and getting him riled up for their big finale. What a fucking joke (Stop, stop it hurts. Please stop). 

What hits me hardest is her defensive position, her stance over her son like she was protecting the vulnerable child from a pack of wolves. She didn't trust me, (mommy, why? Why do you do this mommy? Have I been bad?) she didn't trust me and maybe she was right not to. I was unstable, a bomb waiting to blow and when I did she was ready to defend that child of hers. I wouldn't hurt him, not in this state, when I'm still me, in control of my own actions. I felt the stinging of tears as she kept herself between me and the boy, a barrier to keep the peasants from the royalty, the young prince himself from the mongrel that begged on the street. What a thought, what a weird place Sia must be in to think that I would ever hurt something of her flesh and blood. 

Sia thinks that she has the permission, the audacity to offer to become my mother, to raise me like a helpless child. I laugh, I full on laugh a forceful, disgusting laugh that burns my throat and makes me choke on blood, letting it fly from my lips like poison. How petty, her blows are low and her aim is true. It hurts, it does. I can feel my heart plummeting, cracking and shattering like precious glass work at each verbal strike she takes. My response is hesitant, I can feel the overwhelming fatigue of my travels (or perhaps it was another black out approaching?) washing over me, but that does not stop me from spitting acid in the same manner she had. "You think, you fucking think I want to be treated like a child, do you know how sick that is? How insensitive it is to say that you want to teach me not to be selfish and to be kind? I'm sorry, Ms. Perfect, that I didn't have a fucking mother or father to teach me right from wrong. I'm sorry I was raised by what must be fucking savages to you, I didn't get the privilege of parental love or a family. So fucking sorry." I'm mad, seething with white hot rage that makes my blood boil and heart throb. I was sick and tired of being looked down on, of people looking at me with pity because of my parentless childhood. I spit blood and saliva at Sia's hooves, ears flat and my mind blank as I act before I think. I stopped caring about what I did, I'd already royally screwed myself over, might as well go all in if that's what she wanted.

I never had the luxury of being loved, never had the privilege to be comforted by the safety of a mother's embrace or a father's gentle words, never supported in any of my decisions or scolded for any of the wrong ones. I was just let loose, forced to eat solids before my legs had even adjusted to carrying my fragile body, to depend on strangers for protection and the ocean for conversation. I had a quick childhood that ended abruptly, swallowed by my sudden inability to carry myself without fear of the shadows that loomed around me, of the beasts that wandered in the night (That's illogical brother, monsters are fables, stories to make children behave.) I had a lot of alone time, where I could reflect and realize that I was a curse, bringing disaster, a being of calamity. I was a plague of death and destruction, witnessing bloodshed from very early on, when the world should have been bright and innocent I saw only the void of souls that screamed back, bones and bodies that would surface the marsh. 

I'm enraged, grinding my teeth together and shedding tears because I am weak. The Skinwalker waltzes by Sia, smirking and plotting It's next move, It's next intricate lie that would entangle me in It's trap and make me play right into their hands. I was scared, so scared that after this Sia would never look at me again, that we wasted our breath with the earth god (sometimes I forgot about that), that our friendship meant nothing, ruined by my selfishness. I knew I was irrationally selfish, that my jealousy was to be my downfall, that my insecurities convinced me that that stallion was better than me in every way. Sia would go back to him, she would love him and they would be happy and I'd have to grit my teeth and smile with false happiness for her success. My failure would be rubbed right into my face, it would be smashed into it and rubbed around each time I looked at Sia.

She was everything I was not, beautiful, her body curvy and vibrant, coat glistening. She could smile, she could live and be happy and talk normally to others without faultering. Sia was tall and elegant, possessing a luscious figure and untangled tresses. She seemed to take pride in her hygiene, clean and fresh and more than I would ever be. She had no reason to hang out with something as pitiful as me, she didn't have to associate with something as foul as I, she could easily walk away. I was a polar opposite to her, secluded and undevout to any herd or god, I was an feable, poor sight. Looking at me was like staring down at trash, at a pile of dog shit. I was unpleasant, my stench was rotten and repulsive, and my dull coat and distant eyes made me all the more unwelcoming. 

I snap, like a spine under pressure it is quick and loud, instantaneous as her words are dropped. I dissociate, peeling out of my skin to wander as an other worldly being of light and space, with cosmic eyes and translucent skin. My expression falls blank, the tears stopping abruptly, drying on my cheeks. The blood that fled my mouth has Lon since dried on my chin, accenting my already blood smeared coat. This was Sia's fatal mistake, she had thrown gas on the fire and now I was burning up. What I said now was monotone, calm and collected words strung up with poison as they flow from my mouth. "Please, don't let me stop you. Name the kid, Sikeax. Give the bastard child a name. I'm intrigued to see what you've come up with. And please, save your sympathy pleas for someone else, someone who actually cares about these things. So what if you need to put off this little show of affection? At least you can give it to him, at least he'll have you to love him for the rest of his life. He could've ended up like me, and you obviously don't want that because I'm selfish. Isn't that right?" My detachment from the situation, from myself, it's the best thing I've ever had happen. It's something I experience every so often, where I finally feel everything click into place and my emotions slip into the night, it's like a plague that grants freedom from my heavy burden. It can last from hours to weeks, my lack of emotion a god send during my most stressful hours, when a black out threatens to take me on a journey I do not consent to.

I scoff at her words, a final deal to her petty mockery. Was she trying to make me mad? Did she want to see me, in this uncaring state, hit a whole new low in this mindset? She was feeding the fire with her hatred, walking on mighty thin ice as I responded to her, hitting low because if she wanted to be fighting dirty, I'd do just that. My verbal punches were thrown carelessly but with violent force, prepared to obliterate any obstacles in my way. "Are you proud of the dick you took? Are you proud of yourself for getting a stallion to even look at you? Or what, did you have to bribe him? Drug him? Beg him to take you?" I keep a stone cold expression throughout the entire thing, eyes flicking up and down Sia's face with a carelessness and disinterest I'd never had when looking at her. Normally I would feel warmth, raw happiness, but now it was just... Disgust? Disinterest? Hatred? Perhaps a mix, a bubbling stew of all three that took over me and used me like a puppet to fuck my relationship up even more. I don't think there was any salvaging it now, is messed up big time and my punishment was eternal lonliness, a lifetime spent alone with only the whispering shadows to keep me company.