MORTUUS NOX
Realism [+2.5]
You describe Nox as very bulky, bulkier than Ki’irha, but her strength statistic is higher than his. The only thing he beats her at is agility, and their endurance is the same. Ki’irha is higher in strength and speed.

Throughout the fight you incorporated the environment really well. I could really see that Mortuus was thinking hard about how to fight in this terrain, and it was also easy to see how he used it to his advantage, and how it also worked against him. Excellent job!

In post one, I was a little confused by this: “If he were lucky her left side would catch the sharpened points of the horns and not lacerate, but only cut the mare.” :: This makes no sense because to lacerate means to cut.

You have two instances of powerplay, in post two and three. They are:

P2: “The mare that was biting at his haunches, was close enough for him to strike out at that moment.” You cannot dictate where Ki'irha is.

P3: “His agile frame moved with a faltered grace around the star girl.” Again, you cannot dictate where Ki'irha is. She could easily move and attempt to block his path.


Emotion [+1.5]
Throughout the fight I liked Mortuus' commentary, but I really would have liked to feel how he was feeling rather than being told. You are improving in this area, so keep it up! I especially liked this line: “The black stallion could see the slight softness peering through the stone, but it was something that was rare for others to see.”


Prose [+0]
There was lot’s of switching from active to passive voice. Also, make sure not to capitalize random words inside of sentences. You also frequently start sentences with lower-cased letters at the beginning of words.

P1: “he looked deeper into the monsters eyes” :: monster’s
:: “The sun slid over his scared onyx pelt” :: scarred
:: “the muscled black body leaped” :: Capital letter at beginning of sentences
:: “The black stags muscled neck braced for impact if her were to hit her” :: stag’s; he were
:: “…straight up in the air as he powerful body tried to get closer to the mare” :: as the
:: “They were facing each other so why not aim for the chest.” :: Should end in a question mark.

P2: “The bruised muscles did not allowed his weight to full come to a stop before he reached the edge of the land.” :: allow; fully
:: “Nox had no other choice then to go into the chilling water.” :: than
:: “he wanted to jump out of skin when” :: out of his skin
:: “Nox knew he could exhaust himself quickly if he was not careful, but did she know that” :: In this sentence, would makes more sense than could, and it should also end with a question mark.
:: “Sometimes the black stag was known to take it too far; if he did not ground himself to reality.” :: the semi-colon is weird here, could just be a comma

P3: “The frozen water flooded his body; as shivers ran up his spine.” :: semi-colon is weird again
:: “Instead he moved his scared body” :: scarred
:: ““ Once your soul is numb you just don’t feel anything anymore”Orbs fell upon the mare as his tone hushed slightly.” :: End of the dialogue here needs punctuation and a space.



Readability [+1]
Throughout the fight there were a few sentences I had to go back and re-read as well as some attacks. One sentence that stood out as difficult to read was this one, in post two: “Once Nox felt his hooves hit the ground again, sore rear muscles picked up his front end to turn on his haunches at the last second.” This sentence reads awkwardly and does not make much sense. A good tool is to read your posts out loud to make sure they flow well.

Finally tally: 34+(5*2)= 44 HP


KI’IRHA
Realism [+3]
Throughout the fight you do well to compare their stats accurately, as well as go beyond that to really engage them in how they help or hinder Ki'irha. You are also very good at translating dice rolls into damage taken.

I thought it was very creative for Ki'irha to use the ice and snow as an attack while Mortuus was in the water. I would have liked to see a better incorporation of her environment as a whole, however, and how it affects her as she fights.

You have two instances of powerplay, in post one and in post two:

P1: “As he plowed past her she leaned in. She felt him close, and as he left her side and passed her, she coiled and kicked, rear hooves lashing, hoping to kick him in the ass where he deserved it.” Nox isn’t written as still running, so you cannot write that he blows past her.

P2: “The thin pieces fell towards the blackened stag, and the snow wafted down in an obscuring flurry…but between the ice and the mini-blizzard, it was sure enough to hinder him, and cloud his sight.” You cannot dictate how your opponent responds to your attacks. This would have been better phrased as: "The thin pieces fell where she hoped blackened stag was, and the snow wafted down in an obscuring flurry…but between the ice and the mini-blizzard, it was sure hopefully enough to hinder him, and cloud his sight.


Emotion [+2]
I thought you did very well in this portion of the spar! Ki'irha was very present in each post, and stayed solid to who she was as a character. I specifically enjoyed these two sections:

P1: “She was not some bouncy yearling enamored by the thrill of fighting. She had been bathed in blood, baptized by the crimson waves drawn by her horn. Her body had been bruised and beaten, but compared to her losses, her victories shone through.”

P3: “Emotion wasn't something to run from, it wasn't something to grow callous to. Sometimes she wanted to run, and sometimes she wished to build up armor around her heart, and shield each of her soft spots from the cruelties of the world. But the cobalt girl would not grow jaded, and she refused to allow her nerves to go numb until her last breath escaped her lips.”


Prose [+2]
You switch a few times in your posts from active to passive voice, and in post two you have one error:
:: “She looked around, seeking a better option thank joining him” :: than

Aside from that, I think your writing is beautiful and carefully edited. I enjoyed your vivid imagery! Great job.


Readability [+2]
I only had to go through and re-read your final attacks in post three. Otherwise, everything was smooth and well-edited.


Finally tally: 45+(9*2)= 63 HP