THRANDUIL
Realism [3.5]
For the most part you did a good job translating the rolls into damage taken but I was a little confused about the damage taken in P3 from his own attack. “Memories returned of the explosive contact that day on the Flats and the gold only got in a quick “Fuck” before his genius plan literally backfires.” This line and the severity of the damage in descriptions that follow really make it seem as though there had been a critical miss but the rolls state that the attack hit Ophelia.

Good job including the environment around them, with the snow and then the slush created from their movements. It makes sense that it would be slippery beneath their hooves and it was good to see you use that both to help and hinder!


Emotion [2.5]
It was nice to see Thranduil be so concerned over Haldir’s well-being when the cerndyr was hurt, even if it was in his own special way! And I loved how he drew upon the bond to spark him to get moving in the second post at this point: “Haldir, seeing the changing battle and immobile gold calls, Thranduil, watch out! There lay the key. The call sparked the anger at the deer (at himself for letting the deer be here, be kicked, be unprotected) and the orb within broke open.”

One of my favourite thing about this fight is something I noticed in both characters - the sheer obsession that they both have at needing to finish this fight. It was definitely a gripping read! It’s so obvious so quickly how much this isn’t just another spar for them. One of my favourite lines demonstrating this: “Yes, the battle was ending, and there would soon be a time when the gold could step back, see Ophelia’s mutilated body and feel the surging vengeance for his own.”


Prose [1]
There were a few spelling mistakes and misuse of words that jumped out at me, some examples I’ve outlined below:
P1 paragraph 1: “Madness was defined by days pacing rock caves, and boarders” borders instead of boarders
P1 paragraph 2: Amarathine should be Amaranthine
P2 paragraph 4:  “before the lightening crack down” should be lightning
P3 paragraph 6: “Haldir, sensing the plan, protested, thinking it to be hypocritical and unfair, but his was too weak to distract the gold.” there should be a word after ‘his’ (his what was too weak?) or it should be ‘he was too weak’ instead

Be careful about sticking to one tense throughout your posts! I noticed that you switched between past and present tense enough that I wasn’t sure which one was the one you meant to use. As an example in P2 paragraph 5: “Metal, jumping with the electricity, folds ungracefully back up as the assault of the dragon moved off.” both present tense (‘folds’) and past tense (‘moved’) are used when it should be one or another since the folding and moving are happening at the same time.

P2 paragraph 4: “before the lightening crack down” should be ‘cracked’ or ‘cracks’ depending on which tense you’re meaning to use

Readability [1]
I found that you used a fair bit of unnecessary commas that added strange pauses to the sentences and were distracting from the flow of the post. Some examples:
P1 paragraph 1: “Madness was defined by days pacing rock caves, and boarders” (you’re only listing two things so a comma isn’t necessary)
P2 paragraph 1: “The battle decomposed from testing strength, to testing stamina” and “ The scent of her, brought back his senses”

P1 paragraph 3: “Tasseled tails flicked back and forth” Should be ‘tail’ as Thranduil only has one and there was no mention of anyone else as a subject.

P1 paragraph 7: “with damned grin and cruel intentions.” - should have an ‘a’ in front of damned

And just as a note, we use Microsoft Word for an official word count and your word counts were off when they were checked. Keep an eye on that for next time!

Finally tally: 37 + (8*2) = 53 HP



OPHELIA
Realism [3.5]
This was such a heavy-hitting spar as far as dice rolls go and you did a great job translating that into the damage that Ophelia took. She took all the hits that were coming to her! And it was a great touch adding Tinek freezing Ophelia’s burns - quick battle first aid to help her out in the midst of it and keep her going long enough to make it through alive.

Good job mentioning the surrounding of snow and ice and using it in your posts - I liked seeing that Ophelia lost her footing now and then as she moved and thought it was very appropriate considering her state and the setting!

There was just a little bit of continuity blip that drew my attention. In the first post, it was mentioned that her passive magic had been activated and her coat was red but for a moment, in the fourth paragraph, her “white hide” is mentioned before going back to describing it as red.

Emotion [2.5]
I loved the use of Ophelia’s emotion in these posts - or, in some parts, how much care she took to have no emotions. I particularly liked a few parts in the second post, such as her reaction to Haldir’s injuries “As she watched the labored, antlered beast rise, she felt absolutely nothing at all. Numb. All that remained was simple survival and basic instinct, and she honed in on those facets of her personality while trying her best to ignore the pain.” and the attack of “Tembovu’s” fire “Cold. No emotion. Winter. You are winter. She tried to repeat this mantra in her head as she groaned, heading directly for this not-Tembovu with her horn bared.”

I mentioned this for Thranduil as well but I got the sense from both of the characters involved in this fight that they were obsessed with finishing it, despite the effect it was having on them. It was a delight to read!

Prose [3]
With Ophelia’s severe injuries, I appreciated the poetic description of them - while still being appropriately gruesome considering what was happening. Such as in these parts: “White hide was separated like a sacrificial lamb to display the bloody transgression beneath.” and “Blood spiraled around her left foreleg, amplifying the brutal color of her own coat and coagulating there in rivulets of disgrace.” It’s not just blood running down her leg it’s disgrace, it’s weakness. I thought the language you used painted a detailed picture of not only the injuries, but how they were affecting her in mind and body.

I found the overall style that you used very effective at describing everything that was happening to Ophelia. There were a few mistakes that I found throughout the battle, outlined below:
P1, last paragraph: missing a capital on Thranduil’s name
P2, paragraph 1: “and she did not want any more injures in this battle” should be injuries
P2, last paragraph: “Lets dig deeper, shall we?” should be let’s


Readability [2.5]
For the most part, I found these posts very easy to read and understand.

Just one small mistake stood out to me in the third post: “devilish stallion.Her body” missing a space after the period.


Finally tally: 40.5 + (11.5*2) = 63.5 HP