we heal with love,

Her trip to the Veins had unsettled her and the walk back to the Edge had done little to get her mind to calm back down. Too soon did she recognize that sea-side forest rising above her, the crumbled remains of the wall still shining brightly as the Frostfall sun reflected off both it and the snow beneath it. A beautiful piece of craftsmanship, she recalled how proud Kahlua had been when she had shown Alysanne the foundations - when they had completed it. And now, all their hard work - the hard work of individuals that weren’t even part of the herd anymore - was literally crumbling.

Today the wall looked to be more like a prison than a home.  

Although she was unable to turn from the herd permanently - she chose to remain outside of that ruined wall for a little longer - turning westward along it and travelling through the woods there, towards the shore. She had never been here before, just on the very edge of the Edge - keeping the wall on her right as she travelled. These woods were so close to her home, separated only by that wall, and yet they were strange to her.

It brought her peace. Hemlock flew around ahead of her - he had hunted in these woods before and was scouting for little mice that might risk the snow to find food. It was harder for him to hunt in the winter without insects to rely on but he managed, growing to be a more cunning hunter the more time that passed. No noises came from him as he moved, silent in the late afternoon forest as he weaved through the trees. A soft sigh escaped from Alysanne’s lips in a puff of cloudy breath as she shook her head. These quiet woods couldn’t hold back her troublesome thoughts forever but at least here she could pretend that everything was fine.

alysanne

A slow smolder of anger had burned in the King’s barrel since the meeting. The absence of Mauja, only to appear and to ask him to— to ask that of him? Only to leave him with a betrayed look? And the judgmental glower of Naerys; so knowledgeable in her youth to pass sentence on the King.

Dark eyes catch a glimpse of piebald through the trees. Alysanne— her disappointment, her condescension, her shock at him conducting leadership duties in the meeting. Promoting herd members was good for the herd, why her passive aggression when he promoted Tilney? Why in front of all? While he was adamantly against clandestine meetings for those in power to make decisions about those they ruled, he did resent the divulging of personal issues during the matters of business. That quickly blurred lines, blended the moral blacks and whites, lead down dangerous paths of personal ambitions.

As his navy eyes sharpened on the black and white beauty that danced beyond the glass, he found his irritation growing. A sigh ending in a snort pushed out his flared nostrils, long strides purposefully taking him directly to his ‘head Moon Doctor’. “Alysanne,” his deep voice rumbled through the trees as he slowed to a halt near her, crossing over the glass to meet her, “What keeps you outside the Edge’s borders?” His question was open— though the sharpness to his voice belied where his thoughts were— and the questions he wanted to ask. But, first, he simply opened the conversation.

But they had many things to discuss.

He paid for his sins. He was saved.

But some sins haunt us no matter how much we pay.

we heal with love,

Of course he was there.

Alysanne snorted in dismay, in the disruption of her peace, and danced to a stop as she recognized Tembovu. She briefly considered turning and walking away - she doubted he would actually chase her if she was to leave. But then she’d eventually have to face him again and have to explain why she fled at the sight of her king.

Because he made her skin crawl. She didn’t know what it was exactly, why she seemed to have such a violent and physical distaste for him. These negative emotions were still so new to her, sorting them out was not a task she was familiar with.

As he moved toward her, she focused her attention on his knee instead of those bright blue eyes - feeling satisfied that he was not favouring it in anyway. She had done a good job with healing it.

Her black and white tail flicked quickly, hairs whipping against her legs as he spoke. It would have been an innocent enough question if it wasn’t for his tone. Other questions, other topics, were lurking beneath this false exterior of small talk. “Our goddess…” But she stopped herself, letting the sentence trail unfinished. She didn’t owe him any explanation of what had happened in the Veins, of what was going on in her mind and how she had failed. She shook her head, clearing her mind of everything down that path and brushing it off with a dismissive tone. “No, it doesn’t matter. I just wanted to go... for a walk.” It was a lame excuse and she didn’t try to hide it - though it wasn’t entirely false. She had been going for a walk. Her green gaze trailed down in the direction she was heading, where the salty air of the shore mingled with the chilled scent of the Frostfall forest.

A small sigh, abandoning completely that illusion of a peaceful day, before her steely gaze returned to match his. “What do you want, Tembovu?” Her tone was tired and held little of the fury of their last meeting. Alysanne was exhausted with herself, with him, and wondering why he had come over to her. They weren’t friends anymore - they had established that the last time they had spoke. Surely they had run out of things to talk about now that they had just the herd in common.

alysanne

Black-rimmed ears twitch at her snort of disgust. Eyes harden more, becoming lined with ill-disguised ire. Surely their last meeting was emotionally charged, but that did not warrant outright revulsion. His knee flexed instinctively beneath the stare of the Doctor, unconsciously showing that her healing fully worked. A silent thanks. He sighed heavily, sending a cloud around his muzzle as an ear swiveled to catch the cold call of a seagull not far above the trees. They were closer to the cliffs than he had thought— the mists hid them well, today.

Both ears flick back to the black and white beauty, eyes draw to the annoying whipping of her tail against her haunches, as she began to answer his question. But she stopped, and he pressed, “Our goddess…?” Though some undercurrent of concern softened the earlier edge of his voice. When it came to the Moon, he knew it was wise to put aside individual qualms and focus on wholly on her.

But that was not needed, for Alyssane was quick to shake her head and brush away his question, instead fixing him with a steely stare and tired, dismissive question. His mouth lined as lips press together for a moment, reining in his thoughts and ire. A few short breaths came and went through his nostrils, the chill of Frostfall biting at his lungs as his massive shoulder shifted bringing his broad chest square and thick neck arched so that he could face her directly.

"While I cannot demand your respect, I can require that you not disrespect me,” his deep roll began, toneless but firm. “I do not claim to be a strict King. I do not order those within the Edge about, nor do I insist on 'Kingly' titles. And I welcome the open, honest opinions of herd members,” he paused, studying her with a dark, pointed gaze, “However, you nearly openly disrespected me before the entire herd at the meeting, Alysanne,” a small frown creased his black brow, “If you question my judgement, if you doubt my ability to lead, then I will gladly answer any criticism you may have before a council or the herd. But if it is personal dislike that turns your tongue against me, then not only does it disappoint me that you let it cloud your judgement, but it also has no place at a herd meeting.” He ended his speech, perhaps the longest and most Kingly he had yet to give, ears tipped forward and great mass warily preparing for the sharp Doctor’s rebuttal.

He paid for his sins. He was saved.

But some sins haunt us no matter how much we pay.

we heal with love,

Free from the diplomatic requirements of a herd meeting, Alysanne actually snorted as Tembovu said the words ‘I don’t claim to be a strict King’. He may not claim to be but she had a feeling he was going to flex his power in the oncoming words. The derision she felt was quickly replaced by surprised as he began to chastise her for “nearly openly disrespecting him”. What did that even mean? She tried to think back to the meeting, tried to remember if she had said anything. She knew that Iona was well aware what every twitch and flinch in her body meant but she didn’t realize it was so blatantly obvious toward everyone else. Her green eyes narrowed at him but her voice was level as she responded - carefully and painstakingly kept that way. “I wasn’t aware that I caused such a disturbance at the herd meeting, it sounds as though I was igniting a civil war. Exactly what was it I did, Tembovu that you are so opposed to? Not smile prettily toward you? Give my healers tasks to keep them busy? I’m one of the few lead ranks that did, if I remember correctly.” She knew Iona had held a meeting but what of the others? Though she doubted Tembovu’s friends got in trouble for such things. It only seemed to be her that drew his criticism lately.

While she started out calmly, coldly, the fire was catching and Alysanne was losing control again. She was a hypocrite, damning Tembovu for his lack of self control while she had lost all grip on her own. Though while the pegasus mare might spit poisonous words at him in private she could never do the damage he was capable of. Her words could hurt but they could not kill.

She didn’t want to slip off of this edge but it was too late, she could feel it happening this time and hated herself for not turning and fleeing from him before she had the chance to speak. Now the venom was back in her words, a quick burning in her eyes as she stared back at him. “Are you ordering me, my king, to smile and bat my eyelashes at you when there are others around? To fawn over you like all the others?” Like his little fan club at the herd meeting - Alune boldly walking up and standing with the King and Queen, opening casual discussion while they all stood around and waited. She wondered if they knew what he was capable of or if they still saw the kind stallion she once knew. As much as she hoped they were ignorant, perhaps they all needed to know...

“Are you ordering me to pretend that you don’t disgust me, that I’m not afraid every single time I close my eyes that I will wake up to find the Edge on fire because you had a bad day.” Even though she spat those last few words her voice started to tremble - from rage and from fear - and she looked away, taking a step back as if that extra little bit of room would help her breath and calm down.

But of course it didn’t, not really. There was a disruption to the fire in her but Alysanne had a terrible feeling that it was just the calm before the storm. “You did not handle my criticism so well the last time we spoke, why would it be any different in the future?” Conveniently, she ignored the fact that she may have shouted those criticisms at him. “My personal dislike for you is tied to my distrust in you as a herd mate. We all live in the same herd - everything that we do to each other doesn’t just go away when it’s time to play politics. It bleeds together. We can’t yell at each other in the woods and then pretend everything is fine the next time we meet. It’s not fine, Tembovu.” ‘I’m not fine’ her thoughts echoed. These nasty words he inspired her mixed dangerously with her grief over failing her quest and Alysanne had just enough mind to wonder how far she would fall this time. She was losing her grip on who she was - burning the old Alysanne up with each fiery flash of anger and hatred.

alysanne

Her disbelieving snort at his first words brought a tick in his jaw and a flex of his neck. Outright insubordination was punishable in Dorobo, within the Banderi. He had ground many young, hot-headed colts into the red earth, teaching them the wisdom of holding their tongues. His chest twitched once— he could not bring this Moon Doctor to obedience that way. And it was not obedience he wanted. It was— what? Was it respect? He was eons away from having that, he knew. Was it favor? Most likely not, for he knew her favor was unattainable, now. Perhaps it was that he wished she simply didn’t know of his weakness, of his loss of control.

A harsh snort pushed past his nostrils as she continued to speak, venom beginning to infuse her words. “Are you ordering me, my king, to smile and bat my eyelashes at you when there are others around? To fawn over you like all the others?” Anger flashed in his chest at her open instigations, catching fire to the kindling she had laid with her disgusted snorts and dismissive looks. It flared to a flame— but luckily (thankfully) the icy binds of fear still kept his raging, molten elephant locked deep inside his ribs.

Contrarily, and unfortunately, this control over his raging magic let him lose control. He gave into the anger that, before, left him filled with cold dread and anguish. But now, after many cold sweats above the cliffs hurling raging elephants over the cliffs, he had control. It wasn’t perfect (trumpets still echoed in his skull), but it was there.

So he surged towards the black and white beauty, “I disgust you, Alysanne?” the words were a growl, ears pinned flush with his skull and eyes flashing, “I do not handle criticism? Tell me who it was that drove a wounded man to his knees when he criticized her for not healing herself, refusing his request she do so? Tell me, good Doctor, who is flinging spiteful words in my face because I offered an honest, if critical, opinion on her behavior?” His nostrils flared, his jaw clenched between sentences, his flashing cobalt eyes stared down at her from his great height. “Your personal dislike bleeds into politics? The Edge is trading with the Throat to strengthen our borders, and we are allied with the Basin to further dissuade any who would cause us harm. Our numbers swell and foals flourish within our herd. Tell me, what part of that do you dislike?” His body, so usually held in check, was uncontrolled because his mind was uninhibited by the fear of unleashing his beast upon her. And there was something about her defiance, about her barbed words and glaring green eyes, that drove him to fury.

“I assure you, I am having a bad day,” he leaned into her, now, anger rolling from his massive, hard body in palpable waves, “But do you see flames?”

He paid for his sins. He was saved.

But some sins haunt us no matter how much we pay.

we heal with love,

When he moved toward her, this time Alysanne did not stand her ground. She took a step backward, trying to keep a pace between them - hoping that physical space would help her keep her head clear. But as soon as he started talking, she knew no amount of space would protect her from this. “How… How do my actions absolve yours? Just because I point out something in you does not mean I don’t see it in myself, Tembovu. We are both capable of sinning and I can’t believe you’re naive enough to believe two wrongs actually make a right.” Alysanne may be a hypocrite but that did not mean she was wrong. “You fell to your knees on your own because you were sick. How dare you try to blame me for that?!” She had been yelling at him but he had fallen all on his own - she remembered the shock of the moment. Hemlock had suggested that she knock him down but she hadn’t. She couldn’t. This anger was new but she did not believe that it would actually make her violent.

But then, she had never been tested like this. “And now you are criticizing me on my thoughts - forgive me for being a little offended.” Why was she the only one that was being called out? She wasn’t the only one at the meeting that had acted unprofessionally. Did Tembovu only think to go after her because he could bully her?

“That you are the king while these things happen. That is the part I dislike!” Hadn’t he been listening? She thought it arrogant of him to assume that the the number of members and foals in the Edge was somehow something he had accomplished all on his own. As if the population of herds did not naturally grow and decline in cycles. Or perhaps he had fathered all of those foals himself and he could take credit for increasing the population. She wouldn’t be surprised.

As he leaned into her she snapped, literally - her mouth reaching out to snap her teeth at him in warning to stay back as her black ears flattened against her head and she scrambled backward a few more hasty steps - bumping into a tree and shifting to the side to avoid it. Green eyes were rimmed with white as she recognized the danger and her heart was pounding. Her fear drove her anger as it had the last time they had spoke furiously with each other, wielding it as a shield so that it might give her strength enough not to back up or fall to her knees as they threatened to give way.

Her voice was a snarl as she reacted to his anger, even as she sought to back up. “What, do you want a prize for having control today? How kind of you not to roast me into oblivion, I’ll be sure to add you into my prayers tonight.”

He was already in them. Ever since she learned what he was capable of, she prayed every night that no one else would have to suffer his wrath. And she still believed that if she lured out enough of it onto herself, she could save them. Let him vent it now, burn her instead of burning them. Was this why the Moon Goddess had asked her if she would go through fire if it meant saving someone on the other side? Every time.

But now she was burning, rotting, from the inside and she didn’t know how to stop it.

alysanne

Instinctively, his hoof closed the ground that her backward step sought to put between them. The Elephant General in him would not let her backdown— would not let her put space between himself and her accusations. She would face him, and the consequences of her words. Had he not dedicated his previous life to making others face their consequences? Alysanne was no different.

But she was. The ebony face, etched in beauty and lined with disdainful anger, stared into his enraged one. For all her backwards steps, she still answered his questions, his accusations. “We are both capable of sinning and I can’t believe you’re naive enough to believe two wrongs actually make a right.” Answering with words that shook him. Did he not believe that? Did he not make wrongs (numerous wrongs) both in Dorobo to make it fall, and in Helovia when wronged by Rexanna? When finding himself not the father to Nyx’s children? Did he not react violently, angrily, wrongly? He snorted, eyes widening, as he allowed her to place space between them, no longer following her backwards steps and lean.

“That you are the king while these things happen. That is the part I dislike!”

Disbelief at her words, at how shortsighted her vision was for the Edge, drew angry and uncensored words from his mouth. "Would these things happen if I was not King? If I was not the man that disgusts you?” But as his words hit is own ears, they pin back flush with his skull as the undercurrent of egotism purrs in them— it hits to close to home. To the fervent speeches of the Makutano— did they not say similar things? He takes a step backwards, ears pinned and eyes narrowed— but his hatred and anger is turning inward now, as it always does. Now, especially after Alysanne dragging the very foundation of his being over the hot coals of truth— leaving him raw and exposed. So, after unclenching his jaw, he followed his questions with," “Would you prefer these things to not happen, while I am King? Would you rather see the Edge ablaze and in ruin?” His voice is harsh, but softer than before, as darkened eyes loose their flame and grow hard as he stares at her.

His neck lowers his head, no longer at its proud height as demons of doubt and fear and grief begin to claw from his barrel, into his chest, and up his throat. They scrape along the ice binds around his magic in his chest— but (thankfully) it holds strong. Desperately he tries to gain control of his darkness— before he had lost control to his anger, but this was something else entirely.

But whatever tenuous control he might have had was shredded as her snapping teeth, fearful eyes, and snarling words goaded his demons. They laugh and cackle, in the back of his mind, seeing a challenge in the piebald beauty before them. They push is muzzle out, returning the snapping teeth in kind, as they loudly clack on thin air.

A deep, uneven breath passes through his flared nostrils— a long and slow blink as a clenched jaw slowly releases to speak. “As long as you do not pray for the gods to smite me, I welcome your prayers,” he leans only slightly towards her, “And, yes, I’d like a 'prize', Alysanne,” he snorts, “provided I not end on my knees, again.” His hard, navy eyes glitter in a dare and a reminder— no, he would not let her forget that part of their last encounter soon.

He paid for his sins. He was saved.

But some sins haunt us no matter how much we pay.

we heal with love,

tGreen eyes widened in amazement at the unconcealed egotism in his words as he claimed the flourishing of the Edge would not happen if he were not king. She noted how his own ears pinned back after he spoke but mistook the anger in the action as frustration towards her not at himself. “Why do you believe that you are solely responsible for the Edge being prosperous? You may be our king but there are dozens of other members in this herd, all working hard to see it do well. And yet you claim all the credit.” Tembovu was undeniably more present in the herd than their Queen - who Aly had only seen around a small handful of times - but that hardly meant he was to thank for everything that was happening in the Edge right now. She knew how fragile this peace and prosperity was and hoped his ego didn’t lead them down into destruction once more.

They reached a temporary calm and when she spoke again in response to his questions she kept her voice calm as she could with that razor edge that kept slipping in. She truly could not believe how insanely self-centered Tembovu was acting right now - and she stared at him in puzzlement. “I am glad the Edge is doing well but I’m also afraid, Tembovu. You’re volatile and egotistical and our king. Your actions have an effect on this herd. Why am I at fault for raising concerns and for being afraid of you when all I’ve seen of you lately is fire and shouting?” Though, she knew, she had not raised them in a constructive manner - they both spiraled out of control with each other and she hated herself for every moment spent in anger with him.

She wanted to run but feared he would follow her. Now would be the perfect time to actually know how to use the wings she had to fly.

The calm, as anyone could expect, did not last long.

When he snapped back at her in retaliation for her own - which had been meant as a warning as he advanced on her - her eyes widened further in fear and she snorted in frustration. Now she was expected to not protect her own personal space? But to let him invade it, invade her, and control her mind and body? She had been manipulated before, on what was still the worst day of her life, and her resolve to avoid such outside influence ever again turned her to steel where she stood.

And with his final words, her anger was back - having ebbed into exasperation and fear before. A chill coursed through her as she remembered their last encounter and she looked away for a moment, only letting her own shame wash over her for a moment before her emerald eyes are focused back on his of sapphire. As much as she disliked him - disliked herself - she would never pray for the gods to smite him. Take him off the throne, sure; remove him from the Edge, of course; keep him away from her.

Even the slight lean towards her made her feel sick and she longed for the kind, handsome stallion she had once seen in the place of this hard-eyed demon before her. “Then don’t fall to them.” She commented as cooly as she could, though her voice trembled slightly. “But you’ll have no prize from me, Tembovu - better for you to find someone else for your reward for good behaviour. Please, step away.” She tried to keep her voice level, to give him no reason to lash out at her or move closer, hoping this approach would be more effective than fighting fire with fire.

alysanne

Her words are sharp, but her raging anger had mostly cooled as she exposed the underly egotism he, himself, had realized. The blaze in his navy eyes flickers a few times as his head drops slightly and his gaze darts askance towards the cold ground. A deep, hard breath goes in and out of his flared nostrils— trying to calm and control himself as his head Moon Doctor continued.

What was he doing? Why was he pushing her? What about her was pulling out this dormant vengeance and prodding his ever ready demons? Ivory ears unpin as, one sweeping towards her, as she reveals her fear. “…all I’ve seen of you lately is fire and shouting…” The words resonant more than she could know, as he realized their truth.

He snorted hard, thick black lips pursing tighter than before. He holds his silence, still, mind mulling, demons cackling, and regret flaring. Gaze raises from the earth, head angling towards the piebald woman to watch her. She was rigid in anger and fear, leaning as far away from his as she could. What had he done?

“Then don’t fall to them.” A short chuckle lacking any true humor pushed out his throat at her terse, cool reply. He blinked her voice trembled and she asked him to step away. Without a word and without hesitation, he complied; long limbs giving the mare the space she desired.

Though his eyes were still heated and his body still rigid, the fury had left him. Only smoldering coals remained of the inferno she had stroked into flame. A silence held for a long while as he stared at her, studied her, thinking long and hard on their past encounters and this one. Finally, thoughts aligned with the compass that pointed (mostly) north, he began to speak.

“I am not asking for your silence. I will not tie your mouth shut against any concern or fear you have of my leadership— that is not right or just,” as the flames died, hardness took their place, “But I believe it is fair of me to ask that, if and when your concerns arise, you bring them to me first. I do not claim that my actions are infallible, but,” he sighed between words, “There is usually a good reasoning for them.”

An apology clawed at the back of his tongue, but the anger and demons were to strong to let it out just yet, so instead he continued, “Will you give me that, instead of a prize, Alysanne?”

He paid for his sins. He was saved.

But some sins haunt us no matter how much we pay.

we heal with love,

His words still aggravated her, the request to bring her concerns to him first (as if she had been gossiping around the Edge) instead of a prize, but she forced the anger to remain deep so this painful conversation would not last any longer.

She thought back to the meeting, how much it had hurt to hear the promotion of someone else to Moon Doctor - as if she and Evangeline weren’t enough, as if he no longer trusted them to do their jobs. “I will give you that, Tembovu, but...” And here she took a steadying breath because she did not want to turn this into an argument - she did not want to fling angry words at him but speak calmly so he might actually hear her this time. “I also think it is fair for me to ask you to discuss healer matters with me before you make changes to the ranks. Or if not discuss at least let me know before - it may surprise you to learn I try to get to know the other healers and I might have an idea on who would be best suited for the rank. I’ve seen enough Moon Doctors come and go during my stay in the Edge to think it foolish to hand out the promotion freely - even to friends.” Monarchs had promoted to the doctor ranks often, but the fact that Alysanne was the only long-term Moon Doctor left must mean something against this random distribution of promotions.

Then again, the monarchs themselves never seemed to last long enough to see any patterns.

Shaking her dark head sadly, Alysanne made a move to leave - tense and afraid that he would stop her again. But before truly leaving his presence, she paused and looked back to him - that tender sadness no longer hidden behind hot fury or cold stone. “But if my input on the healers means so little that it can be ignored, perhaps it is good you promoted another Moon Doctor. I hope Tilney does well.” Could he possibly understand the contempt that she imagined he felt towards her? How little he seemed to think of her station if he would promote someone who (she believed) was still green, still new, so that he would not need to deal with her any more? These thoughts were hard for her to express outside of anger.

She didn’t want to leave the station, or the herd, but she hated what she was turning into here. Hated what she and Tembovu were bringing out in each other. At least Tembovu would have his trusted Tilney to lead the healers if she did leave.

With one last shake of her head, childishly warning off any further discussion on the matter (and shaking away the tears she could feel, tears of shame and anger and regret) she hurried away from his presence and towards the cliffs. Hopefully the wind and salt air could help clear her mind from both the conversation with her king and their goddess.

alysanne