It had never occurred to Isopia that her water attacks might actually choke someone. She'd thrown water many times before (ice water most often), and it had almost always clogged eyes and airways, and yet, she'd never thought about it. Watching Seanan first appear to be winded, and then appear to cough up the last remnants of her attack made her pause. WC: 617 Attack: 2/3 Same magic! :: [ Magic: EarthxWater (U) | Can create shapes out of the earth or water ] :: [ Restrictions | Can only create 2 large shapes (large horse size or smaller) or 5 smaller shapes (dog size or smaller); lasts one post in battle. ] TEACHING NOTES. The soft ground grabs at his hooves, not the way soft sand does and yet without the friction of the hard flat lands he's used to. WHAT A GOOD DESCRIPTION!!!! Another really good post. I think you handled Iso's water magic well. It's sort of a weird attack when it rolls high (she rolled a 4 against you), because you're like HGNLSDN;LKSJDF;LAKSJD WEHAT? IT'S WATER? Having him wondering if he's drowning and mentioning it got into his throat and nose and whatnot was really good. You could have elaborated a bit. There wasn't really any mention of pain anywhere. You said he had the wind knocked out of himself, but didn't say if he tried to take a big breath to compensate. You mentioned it got into his nose - and I don't know if that's ever happened to you, but it hurts. When judges look at spars, usually they look to see if the damage has been appropriately taken, and if you reacted appropriately to it. Since you only used 469/800 words, there was still space to elaborate. Other than that, great! There was maybe one typo and a few grammatical things. It wasn't huge, and it didn't hinder my reading of your post, but there's an entire section for grammar in the judging rubric, and so it's worth mentioning. But I know you know how to write, and everyone misses things sometimes :) I think the only thing missing for me, was more of his reaction to Isopia. I know you can't God Mode and know about her inner flailings, but I might have expected to have Seanan's inner dialogue be more like "What is her problem. Why isn't she playing back?" Like, Iso probably doesn't look like she's having fun, and I feel like Seanan might wonder about that? Or be like "Hey! Who throws water at someone's face?!" Half-jokingly. That's probably the only thing right now I'd encourage you to work on. You're mentioning the environment and breeds really well, there was no PP in this post, and everything was easy to read. The only thing I want to see more of is Seanan's personality! But honestly, since this is your first time, you're doing a really incredible job. I flailed around so hard during my first like .. 10 spars. Your writing is informative and easy to read, I think you're doing a good job so far of responding to attacks and attacking back. So please don't feel like the comments I'm giving you take away from that! You've already hit most of the basics, so really the things I'm saying are just small fixes. :) Isopia
Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.
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Learning how to play [Open Spar]
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05-14-2016, 09:55 AM
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Messages In This Thread |
Learning how to play [Open Spar] - by Isopia - 05-12-2016, 01:12 PM
RE: Learning how to play [Open Spar] - by Seanan - 05-12-2016, 02:46 PM
RE: Learning how to play [Open Spar] - by Isopia - 05-12-2016, 04:51 PM
RE: Learning how to play [Open Spar] - by Seanan - 05-12-2016, 07:10 PM
RE: Learning how to play [Open Spar] - by Isopia - 05-14-2016, 09:55 AM
RE: Learning how to play [Open Spar] - by Seanan - 05-14-2016, 12:03 PM
RE: Learning how to play [Open Spar] - by Isopia - 05-15-2016, 11:14 AM
RE: Learning how to play [Open Spar] - by Seanan - 05-19-2016, 01:52 PM
RE: Learning how to play [Open Spar] - by Time - 05-26-2016, 08:05 PM
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