the Rift


headed to the guillotine [Erebos vs. Misael]

Erebos Posts: 474
Aurora Basin General atk: 7.5 | def: 11.5 | dam: 6.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 16.1hh :: Four HP: 75.5 | Buff: DANCE
Orsino :: Plain Kitsune :: Dark Illusions & Enyo :: Common Griffon :: Draining Clutch Heather
#3
EREBOS
Soft and eerie, drumming with the drops, a haunting set of words nestled along his brain, scorched and sizzled, whispered and drew breath from condemnation:
 
He took her from me…
 
The phrase echoed, churned, beating, beating, beating a molten, vicious crescendo against his mind, melting and molding the wrath, the rage, stirred between his heart and soul. This beast had made Enna suffer. This beast had made her hurt. The notions to obliterate him in return were absolute, were vibrant, were intoxicating, curling and fanning like an alluring, beguiling siren. It was an opportunity to savor, to relish, impairing an enemy, lacerating flesh from bone – and he understood why so many clung to violence.
 
It was a way to devour, destroy, and wreak havoc upon something, someone, who deserved it.
 
The boy had made a promise, and he intended to keep it.
 
He blinked against the pouring rain as they began their treacherous waltz, pushing his daggers along the sodden ground, advancing through the muck and mire, studying, examining, the monster as best he could. He was massive, much larger than himself, some enormous piece of chromed structure, but there had to be weaknesses (speed? Agility?) he could expose. Would he tire easily? Would he fall to pieces on damp, soggy turf?
 
Before he could think of munitions to use, before he could brandish terror and deceit, destruction and demolition, the giant came at him, left to left, crashing and colliding with his shoulder. The mass, the bulk, of the hulking man nearly sent the prince sprawling, eyes widened and alarmed, watching as the dank grass appeared to be getting closer and closer. His legs buckled, slipped along the surface, and his shoulder erupted with a maelstrom of pain and torment. It took every ounce of his will, effort, and determination to remain upright, knocked and notched off-balance, off-kilter. It’d be more than a bruise, but a brutal, beastly reminder of mistakes, errors, and flaws.
 
This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. This wasn’t what he’d yearned, craved, and desired.
 
A deep breath pulsed from his mouth, flew into the fog, as reality began to itch and crawl along his mind. Perhaps I’ve made a mistake.
 
What if he didn’t have enough? What if he’d chased down a fiend more destructive, more chaotic, more powerful than him? What if he’d already led himself to ruin, and all he had to do was await the slaughter? What if this was just like he and Ashamin all over again, a renewed cycle of stupidity, arrogance, and vengeance?
 
He listened to the rain pounding against his skull, and her words stirred, fanned, ignited on him again, like a dream, like a nightmare, awakening and flaring his senses:
 
He stole her because I believed…
 
Erebos could almost imagine her there, conjured amidst the fog, doom, and gloom, smirking or shaking her head because she knew he was foolish and stupid, eager to compose their next outlet of mischief or mayhem instead of watching him fall.
 
But when he looked again, to his left, there she appeared to be, a satiny, soft image of Enna, a mirage, a cascading whirlwind of battle and dulcet whims – he blinked multiple times, and there she remained, smiling, snickering.
 
Orsino? He called along their connection, and the mare’s grin seemed to match his fox’s, and he knew, he understood, he could feel the reasons, the perseverance, flickering, fueling, and flowing through his blood again – the damned kitsune had reached into his heart and plucked out the very thing he needed. Together they would march down their pebbled road to Hell.
 
Her image followed his plans, perhaps the only time she’d ever oblige his requests (he almost laughed), turning and twisting through the rain and mist. Erebos hoped she’d manage to trigger the chromed skeleton somehow (annoy, irk, irritate, distract, deter), long enough for him to return his rage.
 
While she floated, like a ghost, like a wraith, like a phantom, attempting to fixate on Misael’s right, all silk and air, the boy leaned towards the left, trying to avoid the incriminating pain sparking over his shoulder (but then he clenched his jaw, seized the silent scream barbing his throat), intending to aim his sword down the beast’s left side.
 
He’d make his mark on the world, one way or another.

[1/3. 721 words.
* Erebos is struck by Misael on his left shoulder. The attack is very painful, and almost sends him sprawling to his knees. Due to Misael’s bulk, it knocks Erebos off-balance and towards the right.
* Orsino conjures a likeness of Enna using his magic.
* Erebos utilizes this opportunity to send the image of Enna towards Misael’s right, while he goes to the left, intending to use his horn to cut along Misael’s left side.]

Image Credit


Teaching Spar Notes:
 
What Went Well:
 
* Emotions: Misael has a lot going on here, and I think you utilized them well. I really enjoyed several segments: The beast was tired. His body had taken quite the toll on his journey for magic; he had felt the pain of daggers in his stomach, weight crashing into his chest, drowning him with their icy clutches and now, the chromed had felt the wickedness of the Moon Goddess. He didn’t know if the magic he would gain would be worth all of the pains, but one thing was for sure; he wasn’t giving up. Even if it meant a powerful women of lavender and magical glares stood in his way, Miseal never gave up and he wasn’t going to stop just when the pain started to kick in, he would finish and he would finish with strength. There was no other way. The chromed did not bow down to the likes of fear, to the taunts of letting go, he raged through the fire until a medal of victory hung upon his chest. Your opening paragraph was strong because we knew where Misael was coming from, his frustrations, his anger, his exhaustion, and how despite all of this, he’s still determined to forge on.
 
I enjoyed this section too: The chromed was no honorable knight; he did not hate the fight as many did. A monster was allowed to be let loose and Miseal basked in the gloriousness of his recklessness, the freedom that the thrill of a spar brought him. The sounds of chains echoing as they fell to the grounds; as he was let free of his restraints, well it was quite a melody. He’s getting ready and he’s coming for you! ;D
 
* Assessing Opponents: I thought you did a good job incorporating the stats in the battle – they are pretty even, which makes it all the more interesting when the dice comes into play. He looked the Princeling over, he was shorter, younger, and Miseal easily beat him in strength, but the ebonite man would be able to keep his breath longer then the massive bulk of Miseal would. You also mentioned past fights and how that would/could possibly effect the upcoming battle, so good for you! Keep that up within the next couple sets of posts.
 
 
To Work On:
 
* Powerplaying: You have to be very careful here. While I asked you to use directions (because that’s just the way I am – I need to visualize and piece together where they are), the way you phrased them was almost on the line of powerplaying.
 
In his current direction, Miseal would crash into Princeling’s left side, which remained true only if the boy did not make some change. You fixed it in some regard to the last portion of the sentence, but remember you can never say what your opponent is going to do, or that your character has done something to the other. It is always left up to the roleplayer.
 
You may use intention in your writing, however, so that things come across as attempts, rather than outright statements.
 
So, instead of your above sentence, something like this: In his current direction, Misael could crash into the Princeling’s left side. Another alternative would be: Misael tried to aim for the Princeling’s left side.
 
* Grammar: There were some weird phrases nestled here and there.
 
Even if it meant a powerful women of lavender and magical glares stood in his way… - Should be powerful woman, since there is only one Moon Goddess. ;D
 
The sounds of chains echoing as they fell to the grounds; as he was let free of his restraints, well it was quite a melody. The semicolon doesn’t quite work here. I know I’m getting nit-picky, but everything counts. XD
 
You might be better off phrasing it like: The sounds of chains echoing as they fell to the grounds, as he was let free of his restraints, was quite a melody.
 
I use multiple strategies when I’m writing to hopefully remain error-free, and while it doesn’t catch all of them, it certainly seems to rake through the lot.
 
1.    Write in a Word document. It doesn’t catch everything, but it removes my glaring, ridiculous errors.
2.    Go back over, read it aloud. This seems to snag the oddly-sounding phrases.
3.    Go back over it again, hours later. The brain has a chance to look at it from a fresh viewpoint.
 
 
To Think About:
 
* Don’t forget to utilize those emotions! How is Misael going to feel about Enna suddenly being there in battle? Does he care? Will it fuel his hatred or distract him?
* Surroundings: How are they going to effect his movements?
* Damage Taking: We’ll see how the dice rolls play out!

@Misael


Messages In This Thread
RE: headed to the guillotine [Erebos vs. Misael] - by Erebos - 06-17-2016, 08:59 AM

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