Dark ears flicked backwards, almost flattening at his words as if that would stop her from hearing them - hearing the truth of them. Or what she thought was the truth of them - that they were pointing out a serious flaw in her personality. She would suffer for them, for anyone, over and over if it meant they wouldn't.

But with this magic, that meant that they would have to be in pain first.

Alysanne shut her eyes, turning her head away from Mauja and his intense gaze. She angled it toward the ocean and sky so that he wouldn’t see the play of emotions twisting across their way through her mind. “But that… that means I’m crazy, doesn’t it? It’s like I’m wishing pain on others so that I’ll have a purpose…” Maybe Mauja wasn’t the only one who was mad here, standing on the cliff. She had suspected her mind had been slipping for a while now... But was she a sadist or a masochist? She never wanted anyone else to be in pain but she wanted to be able to help when it did happen.

That was all she ever wanted to do.

When she spoke again, her voice was the ghost of a whisper. “I just want to help.” One last-ditch effort to try to defend her choices, to try to explain herself to him as though talking more would somehow make everything make sense. Of course it didn’t, though. This entire conversation was making her feel worse because if she couldn’t even explain a simple why to someone then maybe she shouldn’t be on this quest at all. Maybe she had made a terrible choice.

Her eyes remained closed, stubbornly fighting away the tears that wanted to betray her. A meltdown in the company of someone else was out of the question. Although Alysanne hadn’t moved she felt her heart picking up the pace and then she was suddenly feeling restless. The need to run, to jump was rising with her pulse. She wouldn’t get hurt - she could glide even if she couldn’t fly. Or the act of plummeting might trigger the memories of the few flying lessons she had taken.

The thoughts raging through her mind weren’t suicidal - leaping right now would just be the quickest way to get away, to stop bothering Mauja with her thoughts and quest. To leave him in peace.

Only then her eyes flashed open and she regarded the sea below. “I’m sorry, I just…” She pleaded with him, taking a slow, shaky step back away from the cliff - still unsure about whether she would run or leap. Her eyes looked resolutely at the ocean as she moved back. “I came to see if you were okay and I’ve only succeeded in burdening you with my presence. I didn’t mean to, that was selfish of me.” Right from the start she had vomited words and insecurities at him without any prompt or reason. She had used stoic spotted stallion selfishly as a sounding board. She barely spoke about such things to her sister never mind someone who she had only a few tentative threads of connection to.

It didn’t matter that he had asked questions and encouraged some sort of answers. She should have been more careful. It was natural for her to share her soul freely but until recently, that had never been a problem. Alysanne had been a creature of light and happiness - not one who soured others.

She couldn’t shake the memory of him flinching away from her touch.