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07-07-2016, 10:02 AM
K itty
Neither you nor Kitty will be the first to admit that the white ghost of the enemy has something that Kitty does not. Neither of you will praise him for his speed when the clumsiness with which he uses it is so apparent. Neither of you will praise him for the great length of time that he seems to manage to hold himself up for when his inability to strike down with much force outshines this one talent.
Kitty, though, will admit that he is not perfection. Kitty sees and understands his own limitations, and he knows he has made a mistake. He should have pulled right, should not have hesitated to throw the entirety of himself against this weak challenger, but the beauty below you chose to pull left instead and spare some of his strength. Now he will pay the price for his mercy. Where you would tell him to press on and bite back, to turn his body towards the other in a flash of magnificence, Kitty knows this to be beyond his capabilities. The selle stallion is significantly stronger than he is fast--the opposite of his opponent. Even as he watches a white body fall down onto his back, forcing his feet to land faster than he'd wanted, Kitty does not attempt to dodge. It's far too late for that, and he'll just have to swallow the bitter taste of the medicine. He only has time to be thankful for the forgiving sand below him that cushions his rushed descent. You worship every grain in a holy ritual of thanks.
The hooves are not neat in their assault. Rather they scrape along Kitty's topline, and you watch with horror from above as the unbroken line of his dorsal stripe is interrupted with a red streak of blood. Whatever moment of silent solidarity you held with the earth, the ground, that unending mirrored coast, is gone in a flash. His pain is expressed with a harsh grunt that you don't expect, and it isn't beautiful or crafted the way that he likes to be. The sound Kitty makes is primal, which you suppose is pleasant in its own way, but it's still unwelcome given its significance. A sound like that means Kitty is hurt, and worse than he expected.
Of course Kitty's near full force would cause much more damage than this boy's would, but that doesn't mean the hooves don't do some damage. The cuts are shallow and the blood comes slowly, but beneath the flesh are large, weltering bruises that stretch from Kitty's back to the top of his right flank--the side he'd exposed when he'd mistakenly turned the wrong way. It takes less than a second, just one minor adjustment, for Kitty to grunt again. The sound is an admission of something that you are forced to understand: Kitty is hurt, and he's going to feel it for a little while longer.
So fight back! you want to scream. Pummel him, crush him, defile his pride! The words are some sort of violent cheer, and they are useless in their inability to be uttered, but they are all that you have. How else can you support him? You know he will find a way, and you just have to have faith in that. Faith for long enough to watch him succeed, to watch as his face loses all expression and he transforms into the strategist he is.
Kitty pulls himself away from the hooves but not from their owner. He continues the left-ward motion he'd intended, attempting to turn (albeit slowly) to position his hindquarters perpendicular to Caneo's left side. In all the chaos it's hard to see if the white one has landed yet or not, but you and Kitty both hope he's still lifted some in a rear. Kitty's powerful back legs bunch up as his forelegs sink into the sand; in a moment that seems slower than it should be, you watch as he tries to buck at the younger stallion's belly, or at least the left side of his flank.
The powerful beast you adore grunts again as his back strains but his legs, the cannonball he shoots, are fit and strong. If he strikes, you know it will hurt.
WC: 710/800
AP: 2/3, 0/1
Teaching Notes
+ Language: You write beautifully and your descriptions are divine. Just be careful, moving forward, that you are very clear at all times. Spar writing can have a bit more of a clinical bent than regular posts.
+ Considering the opponent: You did a good job of looking at how Caneo compares to Kitty. Don't forget to continue using this and remember that you can be a little more specific (thinking about their specific stats differences can help you!)
- Surroundings: You did mention the sand and water which is a good start, but you can take this a step further by talking about how it helps or hinders Caneo's movement. Some of these things might be an advantage to one character and a hindrance to others depending on their build, species, companions, or magics they might have, so this is a useful thing to consider for all fights that works hand in hand with other opponent comparisons.
- Positioning: I'll admit I was pretty lost here. This was the only part of your post that jumped out to me as something that really needed to be commented on, because I didn't really know what Caneo was doing. When you said Caneo kicked his hooves down I paused and went back and re-read most of your post, because I hadn't even realized he'd reared. Looking back I've pinpointed this as your indication of that: "Caneo's tall body draws taller, and his crown heaves itself up above the stranger's." Now the problem with this is it isn't specific enough. While it's true Kitty is a good deal taller and Caneo would have to lift up to get above him, "drawing taller" =/= rear, and I read this as posturing and tossing his head up, which could feasibly be above Kitty given his positioning. Don't hesitate to say exactly what you mean. If Caneo reared then just write rear, and write how. Was his position stable, were his hooves sinking in the sand, is he turning as he does it, is he rearing high or low, does it take him some time and does he narrowly miss Kitty or does he do it with time to spare since he's quick? All these are factors to consider and write about at length. Your attack was much better about this, but it never hurts to say what side of someone your character is /attempting/ to be on at the time, just as a good reminder for a reader/judge. Also as a note, judges don't read summaries so you can't ever rely on those to make sure it's clear what happened in the post. I stopped writing them because I found I was using them as a crutch to explain what I meant.
- Being thorough: By no means do you have to hit 800 words, and in fact many good spar posts are written under it, as yours is. That said, Make sure you've used all the words you need to in order to explain something. Your post's major problem could have been quickly fixed with some more words allocated to it, and you had plenty of words to spare. So be thorough, and say everything you need to to make things clear!
+ Character: This is a great example of Caneo's character and his personality comes across very strong. It makes the post enjoyable to read rather than something you just have to slog through, good job. :) You stuck to Caneo even though he's not in his usual situation.
