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08-24-2016, 05:15 PM
EREBOS
Under the burning beacons of the aurora horizon, Erebos realized he knew very little about the girl before him – her experiences, her triumphs, and her failures. She could’ve been stronger than him, mightier than him, capable of waging war and staging assaults. She could’ve been a demon on the battlefield, wielding her sword with incredible power, with overwhelming ease, and a sense of apprehension coiled down his spine. It was small, minute, cast aside in little pockets, a shudder on the breeze, an undulation of muscles, quivering just beneath his skin, because the boy remembered a time he’d underestimated his opponent. He’d been soundly beaten and throttled. But his eyes didn’t see a bear jaw, chomping and consuming, aligned over her features, and the world didn’t hiss or plunge them into a savage fury. His eyes didn’t see Ashamin, abashed and ashamed, standing over him and pretending, lying, to save the scion’s follies. If he had managed to pick another practice partner far more skilled than he, than the prince would accept it, learn from it, and covet the sagacity, the wisdom, proffered from such a venture. Then, later on, try not to be so bitter about it. Studying her, haphazardly in the moonlight, through the murky depths, along the intertwining dusk and the pallet of bright hues, they could’ve been quite similar. She may have been faster, he more agile, a warrior’s body sculpted from bloodlines and training, and it would be interesting to see which would conquer the other – a combination of death and rain, or the DarkEmpress’ heir coming to play court? She batted her eyelashes, and thereafter, her motions seemed to come all at once. While he wasn’t about to be played by feminine wiles or coy munitions (he’d fought Ki’irha after all), they were still mildly confusing and bewildering below the midnight canvas and twilight outlines. The princess spun, throwing her hind legs out towards him, and even with Orsino’s mad cackles and shouts across their connection (Move, you little fool!), he didn’t have enough time to completely turn away from her sudden frenzy. He maneuvered to the right, and felt the sting, the grazing, of her hooves glancing off his left shoulder. It smarted, a singular force coiling against his mind, but it wasn’t a torrent, a siege, meant to debilitate or massacre. It would likely bloom into a maddening bruise, reminding him of its presence between each movement. The boy could see where their lines would be drawn now – easygoing, not disastrous, not plunging into ruin, not displaying, composing, or orchestrating every sinister sentiment layered between their machinations. It made more sense to him this way. He didn’t hate her. He didn’t despise her. He didn’t want to crush her with the weight of his anger, with the height of his fury, or with the rancorous fringes of his ferocity. She didn’t deserve it. Not yet, the kitsune answered, lurking somewhere in the darkness, a bewitching, immoral promise slinking and slithering through the void. Erebos chased after her, blending into the folds of colors and desolation, smiling, amused, unsettled, charmed, and twisted by the invocations of their upcoming feud. He attempted to slide towards her left (but with her swifter speed and his aching shoulder, the lad wasn’t sure how successful the strategy would be), extending his neck and lowering his cranium, reaching out with his teeth, trying to snatch and grab at her left side, along her back and loins. Would he know more of her now? Would she show him the tenacity of Psyche’s spirit? Or would she fall under the same faults and flaws as her mother, plucked, scarred, and fallen away from all the glories she once held? Would she be worthy of a crown, of a throne, of a sovereignty layered in ice and history? Anything was possible, he thought to himself, the same grin still traced over his lips. [1/3. 652 words. * As Sjal kicks out, she ends up grazing Erebos’ left shoulder. It hurts, and may impact his speed throughout the spar. * Erebos attempts to chase after Sjal, trying to draw up along her left side, intending to bite at her back and loins.] |
Teaching Spar Notes:
Ack, first of all, sorry about the long wait!
What Went Well:
Emotions: I thought you captured Sjal’s overwhelmed moments really nicely here. She’s been bombarded by a lot of information, history, and all sorts of things about her mother recently, and to add something else on top of her plate must be a little daunting. This portion, in particular: What was her heritage? Where did she come from? What was there in Helovia for her to claim? As time went on, the girl tried to forget - she tried to leave her mother and the throne that she had wanted for her daughter behind - but each time she seemed about to slip away from the life her mother had planned for her, she found herself right back on its doorstep. She had come to recognize a distinct feeling that there was more to her fate than her own choices - and so here she was. was great. Sjal has always been quiet and reserved – and to know there’s a lot more brewing under the surface is great!
I also liked the mentioning of previous battles and motivations. You tied them neatly together here: Her thoughts drifted for a moment to the great mountain that she had fought before - she had not emerged from that battle unscathed, but neither had her opponent. She had learned much from that, and had no doubts that such a training exercise with Erebos would strengthen her further. Besides, her desire to protect those she cared about was one thing that had not dulled since she had arrived in the north. She still remembered Nymeria and the attack that had so changed her friend; though she had not been given details, she had not needed them to see how it had affected the wolf-mare. Such atrocities would not happen on her watch. They make sense. Why else would she want to practice sparring? She wants to take care/protect those that mean something to her – which is great growth and development from a character who used to not care about anyone or anything around her!
Build: You touched very briefly on their similarities and differences in build (it is funny to see how close they are!): The girl cast her gaze over the dark prince. He was not as heavily built as her previous opponent, so she would be unlikely to out-maneuver him. which hopefully will lead you to future use.
Things to Work On:
Surroundings: I didn’t see a lot of scenery mentions. They’re currently fighting at night, with the aurora borealis above, so you need to bring that into consideration when you’re writing. Can Sjal see where Erebos is? Are the lights distracting or helpful? How can she use the darkness to her advantage? How can you incorporate the scenery during attacks or damage taken?
Directions: While you left the attack open and vague for me, I still would like to see some direction use. Did she kick towards his left? Towards his right? His front? His side? You utilized ‘shoulder’, which was helpful, but I like to know where YOUR character is in relation to mine. It makes it so much easier for your opponent to figure out where everyone else is in space. If I have to guess/choose, sometimes mechanics and movements can get a little hazy. Don’t be afraid to be direct.
For example, you could say Sjal tried to kick out towards his left shoulder, and everything would be fine. You’ve still given me the freedom of deciding where the attack will be going (since you used tried or some other form to indicate this is not powerplay), and I’m aware of where your character is…roughly. ;D
Things to Think About:
Damage Taking (if any – dice rolls :3): Really decide how you’re going to take any damage. It could be from Erebos’ attack, but you could also use the surroundings to your advantage – tripping, fumbling around in the darkness, accidentally hitting a tree, etc. There are all kinds of possibilities!
Companion Use: Will Ansgar be showing up? How will Sjal feel about her companion fighting?
Emotions: Keep layering them on! How does she feel if/when she’s hit? How does she feel about the spar as they get deeper and deeper into it?
Hope this helps!
@Själ
