the Rift


She'll Chew You Up [Ashamin v. Paradox]

Ashamin the Clovenheart Posts: 426
Outcast atk: 8 | def: 11.5 | dam: 5.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 15.2 HH :: 5 [Frostfall] HP: 79 | Buff: NUMB
Lochan :: Plain Cerndyr :: Dark Mist & Rakt :: Common Cerndyr :: Starpast Jen
#3
The Clovenheart, The Little Eye, & The Blood

Paradox’s expression and cry—something between scorn and fear—was enough to tell Ashamin to stop. By the time she was gone from him, so far that he was charging at full speed, he knew for sure that he should just let her go.

Let’s go back, though, to the moment when his teeth closed over the flesh of her hip. In the split second before, he’d watched the mare injure her leg, but there had not been enough time for him to pull away and give space to recover. His grip was firmer than he wanted, so his mouth went quickly soft. When he pulled away, the retreat was so gentle that it felt to him as if it had been from a kiss.

In his haste, the Clovenheart found his hind legs shuffling to his right, thus angling his front towards her hindquarters. His thoughts, though, were too muddled with the echo of her outcry to think about his own safety. As a result, Ashamin was not able to prepare himself for her attack. He had little opportunity to guard against the onslaught of her hooves, and it was all he could do to throw his head in the air and place himself in a shallow rear.

The whites of his eyes rolled in surprise, but Ashamin supposed he shouldn’t have been so shocked that a mare as quick as Paradox would be able to recover so quickly. If not for the shifting of his position after biting Paradox or the quick raising of his forehand, Ashamin was sure the mare would have struck his jaw.

As it were, Ashamin was not far enough to avoid her entirely but was not so close that he took the full force of her buck. Her hind hooves struck just below the base of his neck, each pressing against his chest. For the first time, he found himself dramatically benefited by the thick flesh and fur that had grown along his underside. A combination of his distance from Paradox, her lesser strength, and the bulk of his neck mane buffeted the blow, so though a chunk of hair flew off into the sand and a solid bruise began to form, he did not feel too winded.

When Paradox’s hooves returned to the sand, so too did Ashamin’s. With the added weight and constriction of the antlers along his spine the rear had been difficult to maintain; it was something he was not yet used to balancing. His chest hummed as electricity moved within him, reaching out with soft fingers to heal the vessels that were blue and broken beneath his glowing chest. The Clovenheart took the moment to recover, and upon seeing Paradox’s expression turned his attention to himself instead. Had he not looked down, perhaps Ashamin would not have noticed the specks of blood pressing through a thin scrape over the bruise. The muscle ache would hurt more than the scrape, which was already slowing its lackluster flow and sporting little healing sparks, but he couldn’t help but let his mouth part some at the unexpected sight.

Though perhaps he heard her retreat, and knew that there was no use in saying anything more, Ashamin spoke before looking up. “Good job. You responded quickly,” was all he told Paradox at first—a quiet compliment almost whispered from lips that still felt tender and strange after biting her. “But next time,” was all he could say before he looked up and saw her: a figure retreating across the shore.

He would have said “Next time don’t kick with an injured leg,” but there wasn’t any time. Annoyance rose in his breast but he did not have the time to tamper it down with his magic the same way that he had emboldened the mare.

Given how soon she’d run off, Ashamin wasn’t sure it had worked.

No, the moment she ran off his advice changed and he screamed it out, his voice feeling weak as he pressed it into the air. “Next time don’t run away!” was all he could manage as he ran forward, his hooves feeling as if they were pulled into the sand with every step. Ashamin saw Rakt following out of the corner of his eye, aiding the Clovenheart expressly against his wishes. Still, Ashamin couldn’t complain when he felt one of Rakt’s spirits bless him with heightened speed so that he might better gain on the mare. When he saw Paradox stop, he angled to approach her right and attempted to slam his left shoulder against her side. Ashamin forgot about the antlers branching out from his back that could accidentally cut her. All the Clovenheart could think about was the buzzing, healing bruise in his chest that burned with his labored breath.


""
ashamin, lochan, & rakt
image credits


WC: 797/800
PC: 2/3 AP, 0/1 D

Teaching Notes
Wow, this is off to a great start! I'm very excited. Here's some notes on a very good first post!

+ Breed/Stat Differences: You did an awesome job of having Paradox size Ashamin up and figure out how their different sizes would affect their stats, but all the while you wrote it in a way that felt in character and not forced. Awesome job! This is something that is good to establish in the beginning and refer back to whenever you are taking damage or making attacks. I thought the most clever use of this was how Paradox was used to/bred for the sand since she's arabian, so she was able to handle it better than Ashamin. This combined breed notes with making use of the surroundings, so it was a perfect marriage.
+ Damage: I'm really impressed with how you took the damage. I don't normally give a plus for this in someone's first spar, so great job! It was smart of you to split this up between Ashamin's bite and her own mistake, because it meant you didn't have to take a devastating hit from Ashamin (which, given the tone of this spar, wouldn't have made as much sense.) All in all I think that the amount of damage you took given Ashamin's damage stat and the roll was smart and well done, keep up the good work.
- Injury description: That said about damage, I would urge you to further describe your injuries. When you said that Ashamin planted a firm grip on her hip did he bruise her, scrape her with his teeth, etc? The details like that are important to know for yourself and your opponent, since injuries last and will come into play throughout a fight. Also as a note, judges (and generally I) don't read summaries, but your summary describes a hurt stifle from a fall that isn't in your post!
- Positioning: For the most part you did a really good job with this. You were good about using your directionals and being clear about where you were moving. The only time this became an issue was at the end when you wrote "Putting a few hundred feet between them." This is, first of all, a very large distance. While horses can run pretty fast, arabians especially, this wouldn't be a move to take lightly or without description of her injured leg. Given that the Endless blue is between a rocky shelf and the ocean, it's also important to specify which direction she is running off in. But even if you said where she was going, it's a lot of distance to cover  on three legs and the way that you worded it is sort of powerplay. Even when moving away from someone you should use words like "tried to" or "began to attempt," because that way it allows your opponent to attempt a closer attack. As is she is set in stone as being very far away, so your opponent no longer has the option of trying to stop her from running off and must just follow her a large distance, but also after she is already several hundred feet away (as you described.) Also remember that if that had been the last post of the fight, it might have been considered submissive, which would net you a penalty (from the rubric: -10 | ending the fight submissive (ex. not standing, begging for it to stop, running away.))
+ Magic: Great job with the subtle incorporation of Ashamin's magic. You did a good job of writing the magic as intended and knowing its effects, and it seemed to make a difference in Paradox's actions and character.
+/- Attack: Your attack was smart and well described, but the one thing I'll encourage you to do is think about how injuries affect attacks. Obviously when she lands she feels the pain from before shooting up, but given that her hip/hock is pretty compromised (a 5 is nothing to laugh off) you would think a leg based attack followed by a long run wouldn't be her preferred next move. That said, if you wished to express that Paradox was maybe inexperienced and so she didn't think about her injury before attacking, that makes sense. Just be clearer about that next time if that was your goal.
~ Items: Just a minor note, but if your opponent explicitly mentions that they are wearing items, it's probably something your character should be noticing too. If they don't mention something in their first post you can assume they don't have it on them, but if it's mentioned then it's there.


See Ashamin's profile for more information about Lochan, Rakt, and his various items.
All magic and force allowed, barring death and permanent injury.
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Messages In This Thread
RE: She'll Chew You Up [Ashamin v. Paradox] - by Ashamin - 08-09-2016, 03:01 PM

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