It was one thing, I suppose, to pretend to be a beach guardian, but I’m not sure I’d actually apply for the job. Like, who even attacks the beach anyway, besides waves, that it, and I like waves. They seem… they’re like… me, somehow? They come and go, they’re loud and fun, and strong. Pffftt! Listen to me sporing off metaphors like a know shit about anything, I just like ‘em ok?! and I like this rock too. It makes me tall, and I like being able to see farther-DAMN I can’t wait to fly! I wonder if it’s too soon to tr—WOAH HOLT SHIT THE ROCK IS MAGIC!

All of the sudden the rock, which had previously been a cool, yet perfectly normal, greyish rock was suddenly in blazing checkin technicolor. I jumped back a bit (don’t judge me) in surprise with a “WOAH!” but managed somehow to not fall off onto my ass. I stared down because for real it was blowing up my mind like a handful of TNT. “Duuuuude, waitd dill Vas sees dis!” My enjoyment of this new little wonder was evident, and i spun on the spot, tying to watch every bit of the color-show on the rock’s surface.

But, and I swear I’ll never live this down, the salt in the air was getting too me and though not nearly as bad as being a whole bunch of plants and their dreaded pollen my god damn dick of a nose decides it’s a good time to sneeze. And I sneeze spectacularly, like ya’ll it got nothin on my allergy game! but as my damn baby legs were already crossed as I tried to turn, I… ugh please don’t tell anyone…I fell off the rock.

“OOMPH!” was my eloquent statement as a landed on my ass and sprawled across the sand. I didn’t move, even with no audience my pride was that wounded and I let my despair wash over me. “Thank the Sun god no one saw—“ WOOPS I’M LIAR! RED ALERT! RED ALERT!! FILLY IN EMBARRASSMENT PROXIMITY! ABORT MISSION!!! I had caught sight of her as i flung my head dramatically onto the sand and there she was, upside-down from my perspective, and she sawwwwww meeeee!!!! Oh no, she’s pretty too!!! That’s it, it’s over, I can never show my face in the Throat again, better try and save face you clumsy shit. I scramble up, flailing to give myself the momentum to swing my legs under me, and once I’m up I overbalance and list to one side before righting myself. SHIT SHIT WHAT NOW?! CHARM-That’s it! Dial up the irresistibleness, flash a smile and: “Hi, how ya doin?” Yeah, real smooth ya fucking putz.