Had Yael, distraught and caught up in her own heartache as she is, known that her selfishness (even now, to put one’s self before would be a grave no-no) made her would-be welcomer feel uncomfortable, she would have done her best to swallow her tears and steady her voice. There is nothing wrong with the filly’s deer-like appearance; was she not just Queen of a land where horse-snakes and horse-monsters and horse-moths ran rampant? The doting mother in her would adore the curiosity in Romina’s eyes and encourage her to listen to her heart, for she should learn there is no weakness in love. Zilpah, her eldest daughter, knew that. Etro and Kitra were different creatures entirely, which is quite curious when one steps back. Perhaps the difference between the elder two and their younger siblings is that Mikhael and Zilpah knew her only as a mother; to the rest, she was mother and Queen.


It’s rarely easy to be both mother and leader, add lover in there and something will fall between the cracks - a truth that any female in power knows too well. And if she had a choice, Yael would go back and do half of it all over again - make better decisions and keep the peace, give more time to her children, delegate responsibilities. Her body bore the heavy mantle so long that eventually it became as light as a feather, and in that ease lay her foible - the belief (and resolve) that she could do it all by herself.


As a stranger in a strange land, Yael would never dare to comment on another’s mothering skills, let alone one that seems to be leader of a herd. But IF the golden lady knew, she would want nothing more than to wrap the antlered filly in a winged embrace and let all those logical brain chemicals float on down to that pesky little heart of hers and soothe the jarring disconnect between the two. Unfortunately, Yael is in no position to model empathy. Maybe one day - but not in this state of shock. She can’t seem to think straight. The trepidation and nervousness she sees on Romina’s face and in the beginning of her flight response register, but they don’t truly register. Lyanna does, but then it’s hard to miss the presence of another horse, compared to the minutiae of emotions. Her eyes fly from the filly to the painted mare. “Yes?” she says, but then shakes her head - because she isn’t sure if that’s the right answer, or who she’s even responding to. “No. No, I mean -” she squeezes her eyes shut, trying to to just breathe and get back to where the world isn’t spinning.


She latches on to a word. A place. “Xel-oh-vee-ah,” she rolls the name of the land in her mouth, chewing its foreignness up and swallowing the bitterness of what it means. But she has to ask, she has to know. “Ees t’at close to B’kanna? Cahn you -” but a biting, cruel wind rushes down from the North and steals the words out of her mouth. The tiny little desert mare (so used to warm weather! With a coat so thin, and a body so lean!) begins to shake, her whole body shivering at winter’s herald. Whether it is the wind, or the feeling that her heart and mind might implode in grief is debateable, but the golden woman tightens her black-tipped wing around herself in the imitation of a hug, and drops her head again. She is… so small now. So very much aware of how utterly alone she is right now.


The tears continue to flow, but they are not in great, heaving, dramatic sobs. They are quiet, cowed by exhaustion and confusion. “I’m sorry,” she manages to say, and it seems to be directed to her welcoming party (after all, this is terribly embarrassing). “My family, I - oh Adonai- I ahm so, so, sorry.” But she does manage to stay standing, so that is a small victory, even though Yael half expects the two of the to be gone when she looks up again, for who would want to stay and comfort a weeping stranger? What does register is that it’s cold, and she knows enough to force herself to stay in the present and ask help of them once more. “Please don’t go,” Yael mumbles, as she begins to go into survival mode. She breathes in and out with more deliberation, though her eyes are fixed on the ground some ten feet in front of her.


One step at a time.  

yael

by night, tie your heart to mine, and the two
together in sleep shall defeat the darkness