the Rift


BITE me | Murder (done)

Official Posts: 847
Administrator
Stallion :: Equine :: ::
Official
#11




S v e t l a n a | M u r d e r
- - - - -
By my verdict MURDER is the winner.

SVETLANA -- post 1 (attack only)

[Realism]
+ 1| Attack: rear and strike with hooves
+ 1| Attack: biting

[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion
0| Flow
- 1| Easy read. Your attacks at Murder were confusing as to whether they were happening or not, based on your word choice.

MURDER -- post 1

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: glancing strikes to withers
- 1| Defense: no mention of the bites
+ 1| Attack: ducking under her rear and quickly coming up
+ 1| Attack: buck

[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
+ 1| Easy read

SVETLANA -- post 2

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: hit in chest by horns
0| Defense: taking the buck – you had ample time to evade or at least have this glance off you.
+ 1| Attack: land on top of him

[Prose]
0| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
0| Easy read – confused as to whether Svetlana fell or not, what do you mean by slithering over the ice? And did this occur from the chest strike or the buck?

MURDER -- post 2

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: hit in the rump by her landing
+ 1| Attack: bucking out at her stomach
0| Attack: bites at throat – you said he was sprinting away from under her and only termed ‘bound towards her’ with no mention or turning around. Doesn’t seem there’d be enough time or close space to accomplish this.

[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion - hilarious
+ 1| Flow
+ 1| Easy read

SVETLANA -- post 3

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: kicked in stomach
+ 1| Defense: avoided throat bite
+ 1| Attack: bite at haunch

[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
+ 1| Easy read

MURDER -- post 3

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: uninjured by bite
+ 1| Attack: shoulder ram
+ 1| Attack: horns to flank

[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
+ 1| Easy read

SVETLANA -- post 4

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: taking the ram
+ 1| Defense: taking the horns
+ 1| Attack: Hoof assault

[Prose]
0| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
+ 1| Easy read

MURDER -- post 4

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: side step hooves
+ 1| Attack: horns at shoulder
+ 1| Attack: wing joint in-between horns

[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
+ 1| Easy read

SVETLANA -- post 5 (defense only)

[Realism]
- 1| Defense: you wouldn’t have had the time to completely evade his horns to your shoulder.
+ 1| Defense: avoiding wing joint being caught.


SVETLANA

[Bonus]
+ 1| Terrain

[Injuries]
None.

[Creativity]
None.

Comments: You have a very good idea for how horses fight, but I would like to see some more specifics when you attack, such as left or right and a better handle on timing since you seemed to play some things as back to back and others as not. Your first post was beautiful, but I was disappointed when the actual point of the post, the start of the spar, felt like a short and rushed paragraph at the end. Other posts throughout the spar felt very fast and rushed, which took away from a lot of your prose, especially your emotion. I could see you trying to get Svetlana’s thoughts and feelings involved, and I know you can do it because of your first post, but the others felt lacking. If you could make more posts like your first one it’d be amazing!

MURDER

[Bonus]
+ 1| Breed
+ 1| Terrain
+ 1| Health

[Injuries]
None.

[Creativity]
+ 1| You write beautifully and I was laughing in every post.

Comments: You have a great talent with providing emotion and injecting the character in every tiny bit within your posts, from internal thoughts to actions and reactions, it all came together and made it a joy to read. You did remember to include a breed and surrounding reference, but I would have liked to see more on how their differing sizes and the treacherous snow/ice setting impacted the fight. You have a good grasp for positioning, timing and the physical mechanics of a horse fight, I know you’ll do well!

TOTAL
SVETLANA - 68
MURDER - 76


Image Credit: dirkjankraan @ Flickr


Messages In This Thread
BITE me | Murder (done) - by Svetlana - 10-27-2012, 07:23 PM
RE: BITE me | Murder - by Murder - 10-28-2012, 03:40 PM
RE: BITE me | Murder - by Svetlana - 10-29-2012, 07:42 PM
RE: BITE me | Murder - by Murder - 10-30-2012, 05:56 PM
RE: BITE me | Murder - by Svetlana - 10-30-2012, 06:13 PM
RE: BITE me | Murder - by Murder - 10-31-2012, 02:19 PM
RE: BITE me | Murder - by Svetlana - 10-31-2012, 05:40 PM
RE: BITE me | Murder - by Murder - 11-01-2012, 11:29 PM
RE: BITE me | Murder - by Svetlana - 11-02-2012, 04:07 PM
RE: BITE me | Murder (done) - by Murder - 11-13-2012, 05:46 PM
RE: BITE me | Murder (done) - by Official - 11-28-2012, 04:03 PM

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