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07-12-2017, 08:07 PM
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You know what the most awful feeling in the world is? Being fucking right. I’d been laughing and crying non-stop since I’d felt the world shift in my bones--since the gods abandoned us to a blackened world, a sick world, a world that felt like it was gonna die die die soon. You know what it’s like to orgasm? (Ok ye I know this is getting weird but trust me for a sec.). The build up, that build up gets you, and you’re sucked into it and it creeps in your bones and in your muscle and every beat that you expect hits home (I’m weak I’m weak I’m weak I’m weak) and suddenly you’re shaking (I was never enough I was never enough I was never enough) and suddenly it expLODES OUT OF YOU (AND EVERYONE’S DYING AND EVERYONE’S DYING AND TOTO ISN’T THE ONLY ONE ANYMORE)-- Ma, my Mama, I love you, oh god I love you. You were my Ma and you were the only Ma I ever had and damn it you did a good-ass job of it too. You were a baby when you had me but you still done did it, and I’m sorry forever for hating you for years, for being afraid of your white shadow, for fucking deTESTING the man who swept you off your feet, for being a shitty big sister to the siblings you gave me. Ma--my Mama. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you. I was never gonna be able to. See, what doesn’t usually happen directly after an orgasm is getting hamstringed but that was happening too, so. Whatever. That big burst happened in my body and I was laughing a full-throated, raw SCREAM of a laugh, and my eyes were pouring with white-hot rivers of salt, and Chico was clinging to my shoulders, his claws digging intto my skin and drawing blood, his whole body violently shaking as he took in every blow to my eyes and my heart and my shattering, severed soul ( Pa, my Papa, I love you, holy shit I love you. You were my Pa and you were the only Pa I ever had and it couldn’t have been anyone else. I wish you had had a son to wield you blade and be so much better than what you got, this average piece of shit with an issue in her head and heart. I wish I was strong enough to stand by your side; I wish I was strong enough to die with you, to serve my purpose. I was never gonna be able to. People were just dying left and right, fuck it, what did it matter? But then I was watching as (Ru, my captain--) pieces of my heartstrings (Isopia, stop Volterra loves you--) were being snipped and severed in ways I didn’t even know they could sever. snip snip snip I should be dying. ….but I wasn’t. Cuz fuck all y’all. Snip snip snip. Ma gone, Pa gone, Iso gone, Ru gone--this land I was born in, where I bled and shit and pissed in, where I cried, where I loved, where I hated, where I fought, where I failed failed failed failed failed failed failed failed failed fAILED All my ties to this place was snipped from my soul--and suddenly I Realized I …. ...never really cared in the first place. Ever. And so I cried and I laughed, because suddenly, with teal flashes of light, every yoke on me, every pull, every draw I had on this land FUCKING EXPLODED and all those people I was supposed to sacrifice myself for, stand by my Pa, stand ‘til the very end for didn’t fucking matter to me anymore. I was never meant to be born, not like this. Not of godsblood, where people would need me. Because I’m average and dumb and a failure, and I don’t even fucking care about it anyway. You know what it feels like to be right? The awful, terrible feeling of--freedom. It’s scary. It’s exhilarating. It’ll make you laugh. It’ll make you cry. -- The portal sucks any and all closer to its jaws, beguiling and forceful, plucking them from the land. There is one, however, who does not even wait to be snatched: the laughing mare, dazed and crazed and blind from tears, chooses instead to leap head-first into the portal, her laugh-stained voice (”FUCK THIS SHIT, I’M OUT BITCHES”) streaming out from her, the only trace of her she deigns to leave behind. She abandons; she is done; she is free. Talkin shit |
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