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L e v i | M i d a s
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By my verdict MIDAS is the winner. Midas can now use the Endure buff!
LEVI -- post 1 (attack only)
[Realism]
- 1| Attack: hip attack – if you had just tried to ram into his hip that could be plausible, but you are cantering and say you aim your leg at his hip, which is much too high to hit just running past and would require some description of a rear or buck to make sense.
+ 1| Attack: shoulder ram
[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion
- 1| Flow – focus on transitioning better between your actions and intentions, it’s all very choppy.
+ 1| Easy read
MIDAS -- post 1
[Realism]
+ 1| Attack: bites at Levi as he passes by
+ 1| Defense: takes the hip kick
- 1| Attack: wings slap – if he is behind you and you are bucking at him, not sure how your wings would help in this position, they are on either side of you and can reach frontways, but not backways.
+ 1| Attack: buck – was described in a confusing way
- 1| Defense: avoids the ram – how? You’re still just standing there, you didn’t say you repositioned or really moved at all that would have made the ram completely miss.
[Prose]
0| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
- 1| Easy read – you seem to drop your determiners, like ‘the’ or ‘his’ which makes it a bit confusing to read, and your buck attack took me a while to understand that you were bucking.
LEVI -- post 2
[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: glancing buck – you took it to the ribs which is a bad place to take a horse’s strongest attack
- 1| Injury: you do not describe in any detail the pain from the buck which would be very painful.
+ 1| Defense: bit by midas – a horses teeth aren’t sharp and cannot slice
+ 1| Defense: blocked by wings
0| Attack: pushing on wings – although a good idea for an attack, it was executed oddly and the wording made it very unclear to me.
+ 1| Attack: kicks sand at Midas’ head
[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
- 1| Easy read – some confusing portions to this post
MIDAS -- post 2
[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: closes wings, stays balanced
+ 1| Attack: bites
+ 1| Defense: sand in eyes
+ 1| Attack: dust cloud
+ 1| Attack: flying bite
[Prose]
- 1| Emotion – there was nothing but fight mechanics
+ 1| Flow
- 1| Easy read – dropped determiners
LEVI -- post 3 (defense only)
[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: bitten on chest
- 1| Injury: adrenaline rush and ‘able to take a bite’ are not reasons for brushing off pain or not describing an injury.
- 1| Attack: pushing and biting – you cannot attack in a defense post
+ 1| Defense: blinded by dust
- 1| Defense: mane bitten – horses can’t really crouch, especially not quickly, it’d be likely you’d fall over trying to do I fast.
LEVI
[Bonus]
+ 2| Breed
+ 2| Surroundings
[Injuries]
None.
[Creativity]
None.
Comments: You’ve definitely improved since your last fight :) you seem to have a better understanding of attacks and defenses, and really just more practice makes perfect! I would suggest to study a horse’s balance a bit more, as it’s difficult to push one over just standing, or crouch as you did in battle. Also be advised moving around is better than standing still, I noticed you said at one point your character just stood after attacking, always be moving as that makes you harder to hit and easier to explain evasions. Don’t forget to include an injury description any time you take a hit. Even if your character doesn’t feel the pain a whole lot, just describe what happened to the body, is it bleeding, did it bruise, is it swollen, is anything cracked, is the skin torn?? Remember too adrenaline is not a constant excuse for anything. Otherwise great job.
MIDAS
[Bonus]
+ 2| Breed
+ 2| Surroundings
+ 1| Health
[Injuries]
None.
[Creativity]
None.
Comments: You did very well and I think most of your point reductions were just due to some lack of clarity with your writing. You have a good sense of a horse fighting, but I feel you could benefit further from studying videos of horses fighting (even play fighting). Another things I really want you to focus on is including emotion. I felt nothing in your posts, Midas was just a fighting machine that seemed to have little motive for his reasons of fighting or his specific actions when I know you can put so much more of him into this fight.
TOTAL
LEVI - 58
MIDAS – 60
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[Judge]Strikes of Steel [Midas]
