Anger swelled in his breast but Tolio refused to continue on yelling, and struggled to force down the need to defend himself. He’d never been much of a yeller, preferring cold silence as a soldier when he had to use it. This raw, burning fire of rage was something completely foreign to him, and he didn’t like it. It didn’t feel like he was the one in control, and he wasn’t going to let that other side take over. He didn’t want Phaedra exposed to that. She didn’t deserve that in the least. Even in the midst of the heated fight they were in, he refused to show her the monstrosity that Psyche had created. It hurt him to know that he had even been weak enough for it to be established inside him. Calm, defeated eyes met hers as she screamed at him. It reminded him far too much of that day in the Steppe, surrounded by snow and frost and watching as his entire life was torn apart in a few vital moments. What he wouldn’t give in order to turn back time and redo that entire encounter. "Protection means I would give my life in order to keep you from being harmed." Answering her first question with a deliberate, measured tone. Refusing to fall prey to that strange anger that hissed for vengeance, that a Pegasus should never speak that way to him. It sickened him, made him want to run his horn through his own chest. Psyche had wormed her way in, and he both hated and respected her grudgingly for that. ”I had to leave you. I have a duty to my home. I can’t suddenly disappear. But you’re right, I should have been there. And if I could, I would turn back time and do just that. But I can’t.” Fixing his eyes firmly on her as he said this, showing her that he was being dead serious. That squabbling over it now wouldn’t fix anything. He knew he should have been there, but again lack of communication mixed with a lot of misunderstandings had been their downfall. Both had made tiny mistakes that in the end all collected into a few really large ones.

She was screaming at him, and he almost felt pity for her. But no, that would mean he was above her in some way. They were both ruined here, both of them affected by what had happened between them. Bad decisions made in the heat of the moment. ”But you should have come to me before you went to Leander. Before you tried to have us accepted by the Grey. It should have been before then, Phaedra. I won’t put the blame on you, but if you had come earlier a lot of this would have been prevented.” He refused to say that she never should have made decisions for him, especially not without his knowledge or approval. Tolio was trying to stop them from fighting, not encourage it. If he got this screaming to stop, then his thoughts could remain hidden for as long as he chose. While she responded to what he’d said about that day in the Steppe, he chose to keep his mouth firmly closed. Watching her with sad, dull eyes. Her words hurt him, but she was only on repeat. Yes, he got it. He should have been there. The guilt was already heavy on his shoulders, but he silently allowed her to pile more on top of it. Refusing to play into it, to yell back and sling more words that would only hurt them both. If she didn’t understand his silence then he would only continue it until she did. Tolio wanted to talk about it in a civil manner, not scream themselves hoarse trying to defend themselves from someone they never should have to. He loved her too much to ever wish to have to defend himself from her accusations. It was surreal, alien. He’d never anticipated this.

And again he remained silence as she spat at him in her rage over his brotherly duties. Eyes only widening when he realized what Phaedra was really angry about. At least he finally understood what she was angry about in one area. He needed Faelene to keep him solid, keep him grounded. He relied on her, she kept his head from drifting off too high in the clouds in his bunny phase. Phaedra on the other hand, he needed her to keep him happy. Needed someone to care and coo over, to love on. Tolio simply had too much love to give, and Phaedra had been so willing to accept it. It was true, he realized. He needed them differently. Her eyes sparkled; he could see them though she looked at the ground. Knowing that her own thoughts were bringing her to tears- that he had brought her to that point- only piled on the pounds upon his back. He felt like a pack mule, lugging around all that guilt and self-hatred. And it was then that they both fell into limbo.

He remained where he stood having backed away from her, watching her with mercury eyes that were broken and hurt beyond a point he could have ever anticipated. Feeling as if there was nothing in the world that could stray his gaze. The tears that streaked down her cheeks and over the precious, familiar lines of her visage made his heart ache. She was so infinitely precious to him, and the sight made him want to run up to her and wipe them away with his muzzle in a parody of soothing kisses. To reacquaint himself with her touch, her smell. The way they fit together. It all seemed too fuzzy in his mind, and he didn’t like that one bit. Had it really been so long? That her memory was actually starting to fade? The details were slipping his mind, and he didn’t like it one bit. A bitter laugh escaped her lips and what was left of his heart withered away further. He never desired to hear such a harsh sound come from her, not someone so pretty and untouched. Tolio had been the one to make that sound, and he wondered then how it was possible that he didn’t crumble under the weight of his own hatred. He truly wished he could kill himself in that moment. Perhaps Phaedra and Faelene would be happier that way. Both would undoubtedly be safer, with Psyche and the Basin away from Faelene and Phaedra respectively. If only he knew how. Maybe he could just waltz into the Throat and declare himself a part of the Plague. That would surely earn him a death sentence.

Thoughts of his death vanished as he watched her begin to shake, the beginnings of a sentence falling like scattered raindrops to his ears. Relief washed over him when she proclaimed that she didn’t hate him, face relaxing and smoothing out as if the entire weight pressing down on him had been momentarily lifted all at once. Turning confused but endearing visage to her when she proclaimed she loved him. Well of course, he loved her too. They’d already admitted to loving each other in the beach, when they’d first met! The doe seemed to have anticipated this and clarified in an instant. Face went slack with shock and he stared at her with round, boyish eyes.

I’m in love with you.

How long was he silent? He felt like he couldn’t breathe. Was he breathing? Dear Gods was he dead? Because of a love confession? That would be a terrible way to die. Finally he sucked in a rush of breath and instantly felt dizzy. Yep, hadn’t been breathing. Now, what to say. Think, Tolio, think! Then a soft, firm echo came from inside his chest. No. Don’t think. Say what comes from the heart. Tell her the truth. But what was the truth?

She saved him from this battle by speaking again, similar to his last parting sentence when asking if she would leave. Couldn’t feel the same? Was he wrong? Did he love both genders? Tolio hadn’t ever really been in love. Sure he’d had man-crushes, found certain males attractive. Knew for a fact that he liked the male gender, and nothing would change that. But…he also didn’t know what love was necessarily. Did he love Phaedra? Was that why he loved her and Faelene differently? Oh Gods, but he would do anything to wipe the agony from her face. The doubt mixed with that urge, and maybe that was why he spoke what he did. His love for her mingling into something else. ”I…Phae…I-I love you too…I just…” Eyes blown wide, face showing how lost he was; but also displaying the honesty in those words. He wasn’t lying when he said that. ”I-I’m just…shocked…is all.” Taking a tentative step forward, consumed by the need to feel her warmth again. To use his height to drape his muzzle over her flanks in the loving embrace they’d found themselves in when they’d first met.

I’m giving you my heart again, Phaedra. Do with it what you wish.