the Rift


Rain, rain go away. | Practise Spar, Aryel

Official Posts: 847
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Stallion :: Equine :: ::
Official
#8




A r y e l | G a u c h o
- - - - -
By my verdict GAUCHO is the winner.

ARYEL -- post 1 (attack only)

[Realism]
+ 1| Attack: left flank bite – you don’t say if you are facing the same way as him or not, hard to visualize
+ 1| Attack: buck

[Prose]
+ 2| Emotion
+ 1| Flow
+ 1| Easy read

GAUCHO -- post 1

[Realism]
+ 1| Attack: shoves left
+ 1| Defense: takes the bite
+ 1| Defense: buck to chest
+ 1| Attack: rear attack

[Prose]
+ 2| Emotion
+ 2| Flow
+ 2| Easy read

ARYEL -- post 2

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: face slammed
+ 1| Defense: rump shoved down – the ‘back knee’ is the hock :)
- 1| Injury: not enough description of the pain from that last attack sustained – having a heavy horse slam on your rump, while sliding on mud, that your hock hits the ground, is liable to hurt a lot. Too much to ignore and go straight back into a buck.
+ 1| Attack: buck

[Prose]
+ 2| Emotion
0| Flow – your defenses seemed out of order in that first paragraph
+ 1| Easy read

GAUCHO -- post 2

[Realism]
+ 1| Attack: bite
+ 1| Defense: buck to girth
- 1| Injury: no mention of pain, or lack thereof – you termed where and how the buck hit, but nothing regarding how it felt.
+ 1| Attack: mud crow hop

[Prose]
+ 1| Emotion
+ 2| Flow
+ 1| Easy read – confusing second attack

ARYEL -- post 3 (defense only)

[Realism]
+ 1| Defense: bite taken
+ 1| Defense: mud to face – although you said you took it to the right eye, then turned your right side to face him and could still see? Not sure how as then her left eye, the only one left to see with, was facing as opposite of Gaucho as possible


ARYEL

[Bonus]
+ 2| Breed
+ 2| Surroundings

[Injuries]
None.

[Creativity]
+ 1| Really enjoyed how well you mentioned the mud in each post.

Comments: You’ve improved tremendously since your last spar! I really see you digested everything you learned, and was impressed with how well you incorporated the breed and surroundings into this fight. You still seem to struggle with remembering to describe injuries and playing off injuries that you take in a fight, as I didn’t see any of her previous injuries taken in prior posts affect her in the following ones. You had a lot of great emotion in this post and I can only encourage you to continue on the track you’re already on :)

GAUCHO

[Bonus]
+ 2| Breed
+ 2| Surroundings

[Injuries]
None.

[Creativity]
+ 1| Interesting crow hop/mud fling idea.

Comments: You have also improved so much from your last spar! I was especially blown away by your prose, each post was a real joy to read. You have a very strong grasp on the mechanics of fighting as well. I can only suggest to you to remember injuries better as well, in how they will affect your character’s actions and how to describe the pain (or absence of) with every attack you do take. I definitely would like to see more of the surroundings affect your posts as well, because for a larger horse you seemed to keep up with the speedier Aryel a bit too well and I think the mud should have influenced you more with slipping/sticking. Otherwise fantastic fight.

TOTAL
ARYEL - 68
GAUCHO - 71


Image Credit: dirkjankraan @ Flickr


Messages In This Thread
RE: Rain, rain go away. | Practise Spar, Aryel - by Official - 02-07-2013, 01:11 AM

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