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Depression was every bit a disease, and usually not fully realized until the moment of truth—and by then it was almost too late. The moment of truth in anyone’s life can happen only once, or it can happen many times. It was what transpired after the trials that made all the difference, a glimmer of hope, and acceptance, finding out who one was and who one ought to be for the rest of their life. Or it could be utter hell, and end only in the loss of life. From the day of that attack, the blood bay had planted something within me. A seed of doubt. A seed of depression, I no longer knew who I was.
Why did I crave a dishonorable fight? Why did this body have a thirst for death, when all I really wanted was peace? These questions couldn’t be answered by me, and my trust in others had faltered over the past few weeks. To top off my unstable state, responsibilities seemed to just pile up. Azzuen had passed from this world; and though the time for mourning had yet to end—already I could feel the weight of his responsibilities threatening to crush my younger shoulders.
He had always been front and center to each war since the time of my youth. I wasn’t the same man he had been, nor would I ever be. Azzuen had strength about him, a leadership quality that had led me to believe that he might one day rule beside Kri. But he was gone, leaving us with the task of figuring everything out without his aid. In a way, I was a little jealous that his rest had come so quickly. He had abandoned us to fight the world alone. Battle loomed like a dark cloud of snow that hadn't dropped its first flake, but when it finally did fall. It would come as a blizzard
Mercy was here though, as it had always been. Earth trembled, its bowels shaking and shivering. My painstaking gaze sparks with hope, and body grows tense in anticipation. I knew exactly who approached.The soil and water sang an ancient tune, one that mortal ears would never understand. For it was sung by the spirit of earth, the mountain itself which was as old as time.
My lord.
I lay, also trembling but for different reasons. How foolish was I? Thinking such shallow thoughts, had my soul fallen so far astray that I would begin to doubt the single entity in this world that could be trusted beyond everything else? My head falls, "I would never forsake you, my son," that quaking voice comforts me and shames in the same moment. He calls me 'son' and my heart snaps clean in two, eyes close for fear that the pits would spill out every moment of heartache upon the ground. I can feel him draw near until I am at his feet, he bends down to look into my eyes; his breath like the tall pines in Deep forest.
Feeling pitiful and ashamed at my own selfish problems, coupled with doubting him, my gaze firmly casts itself across the dirt, "Your heart is heavy, Midas. What has been troubling you?" After a moment I look up, into a pair of eyes that belonged only to my lord, a brighter emerald then even the purest of gems. My father, he had the tenderest of looks--a stare that gave strength and took fears to the wayside. Softly I answer his question, the dams of my mind broken and ready to surrender, “My resolve has been shaken, I know not who I am anymore….the blood demon stole this from me, and he stole the innocence of my child.” terror of myself makes voice break, “and for this, I desire his death.”
I didn’t just want to challenge that cur, see him shamed for hurting Cera. No, I wanted to take his life. End that miserable existence myself. But these feeling were wrong, they had been wrong the moment the first idea took sprout, “But this is…..isn’t who I am.” The Midas that everyone knew was merciful, and kind; the hidden beast…the one that tormented my dreams—was a monster, a monster not worthy of wearing the armor this flawless god had made.
Given the choice, I would spare the life of any enemy; except his. Was I less of a person because of this? Somehow, if I could just get past this hurdle, everything else would simply fall into place, “How am I to father Cera, and lead my soldiers honorably if there is hate in my heart?”
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On the brink of failure (earth god, open)
