Who am I?

That was the question that haunted my thoughts in the days after the healing.

At first, I had been distracted by my awe. The God of the Earth, inside my head! He had lulled me into a trance with a voice like the waves of the sea crashing against the rocks of the Edge; I had been only semi-aware of his and Thor's actions within my mind. It had been as though the darkness had been seared away. I felt the heat as it burned, saw only brightness behind my closed lids until, finally, I was left alone with only the memory of his kind smile. Throughout it all, I felt Thor beside me, a comforting warmth from which I drew strength. I suppose he had always filled that role for me, every since that day in the Deep Forest when he had first calmed me, brought me back to myself.

And then I had sought him out - Thor, who could control my blackouts. Thor, who promised to help me. I had always thought that I would be grateful for his assistance, when the day came, and I was. But I was also lost. Who was I without that part of myself? And what was that part of myself? At first, I told myself that I didn't want to know. I would rather remain blissfully unaware. But as the time wore on, I couldn't help but wonder. Just what had Thor and the Earth God saved me from? Just what had they chased from the dark recesses of my brain with their blinding light? And more than just that: where did I go from here?

My life had been ruled for so long by my affliction. It was my understanding of the world that we were all granted one ultimate goal in life; mine had for so long been to rid myself of the illness of my mind, and now that it was gone, I found myself lacking a direction. I floated around the herd, talking to this mare and that stallion, watching so-and-so's child. And yet I did not truly feel at home. I felt restless, even in the land that I had come to regard so highly. I wouldn't think of leaving Thor or the Edge, not when Mirage had been so kind to me. I owed them my loyalty, and I wanted so badly to be of use. I just didn't know how.

I sighed heavily, standing in the shade of the trees. I was close to the Edge, so close that I could feel the salty breeze on my face from the sea, could hear the waves pounding against the shore far below. I closed my eyes, remembering the Earth God's voice. For a moment, it was so real that I could almost feel the spray on my face... and then reality sank in.

"talk"

If love is surrender, then whose war is it anyway?

I should have been grateful for the gift given to me by the God of the Earth and Thor. But instead, I felt hollow, simply drifting to and fro on the wind. At a moment’s notice, it would seem, I could snap, my life leeched from my bodice and cast to the skies. But then, perhaps I was being overdramatic. After all, I had a mate who loved me, did I not? A daughter who needed me? But how could I be there for them, be who they needed me so desperately to be, when I didn’t even know myself?

Perhaps it would be easier for everyone involved if I simply slipped away to drown in my despair. It would seem, however, that my love would not allow this to be so. At first, I thought the light tread of hoof on grass was simply my own swishing tail. Light locks brushed against my heels, not quite long enough to reach the ground, but quite active. But it got louder, and closer. I assumed it was no one of importance, and so I remained, gazing out to sea, listening to the rise and fall of the waves far beneath me. When his scent mingled with the salt in the air, I knew that I could not simply hope that my visitor would pass me by. And then, knowing who it was, I wasn’t sure that I wanted him to.

A pang of guilt rose in my breast as he stopped alongside me, but it was quickly swallowed by the nothingness that had quickly made my body its home. Perhaps once an apology would have risen to my lips, but now, there was only silence. My name drifts to me on the wind, and I turn to gaze sadly at the steed who had done so much for me, who I would forever be indebted to. And yet, what exactly did he do for me? I still had yet to find out just what my affliction was.

It would seem he was prepared to tell me. His orbs were cast elsewhere, as though unable to look at me, and I wondered if it were out of shame or out of disgust for who I had been. No, surely that is not the case – he had never shied from me before. Nausea overtook me – was it the way I was now that caused him such pain? "What kind of things?” I asked slowly, fearfully, dreading the answer but needing it all the same.

"talk"

If love is surrender, then whose war is it anyway?

Had I always been this emotionless creature? Perhaps my affliction had granted me a personality. If nothing else, it had shaped me into what I was. But now that I did not need to fear myself, who was I? What was my great destiny in life? It is said that it is granted to each individual to have one great problem that they must solve in their lifetime; if I had solved mine, then what would the remainder of my days hold? I was not cut out for anything in particular, it would seem: I did not do anything within the herd to speak of. I had not been a great mother. Passable, perhaps, but my preoccupation with my own life had taken precedence. Did that make me selfish? Probably. And as much as I hated the concept, I had to admit to it.

When had I become this montrous, emotionless void? Had it always been this way? Or was it his fault? His fault and the Earth God's?

Was I really trying to blame someone else for my problems?

Perhaps I was just going mad.

Thor began to speak, interrupting my thoughts, and I find myself staring blankly at him as he explains my missing reality. Had I ever truly appreciated how handsome he was? Not that it mattered now - I didn't deserve him. I didn't deserve any of this. Not the wonderful mate, not the adorable daughter, not the amazing family that could be mine, if I would only participate in it. I didn't deserve the beautiful home, not when all I could do was stand at the edge of the precipice and wonder what it would be like to jump. I closed my eyes as Thor began to caress my nape, and although I tensed under his touch, it was also mildly soothing. And in that touch, I could almost feel the emotions roiling beneath his calm demeanor - the love, the worry, the potential goodbyes... Perhaps I had grown to know him better than I had thought.

My gaze roved out to the sea as I turned his words over in my mind. Another side of myself? There were two of me? And I was so... so... not me? Was this the missing link? Did I, in reality, need both of my halves to be whole? Or could I learn to be whole again? The questions bred confusion, and confusion turned to anger. "You kept it from me," I said, and my eyes were blank when I turned to look at him. But suddenly I felt the rage take me, and I took a step away from him, my auds flattening. "Why?" A pause, tears rising. Not sad tears, but angry ones. Oh, why did I always cry at the worst times? "Why?" The last word is a shout.

But I didn't give him time to answer, instead turning away and stalking back and forth, feeling strangely feline in my movements. What could his reasoning have been? Why wouldn't he want me to know? Situations ran through my mind, and I didn't filter my thoughts - they simply came out. "I trusted you. Was I really that horrible? Or did you like that better? Is that it? You don't love me like this, you loved her? Maybe you wanted her to be the one you got to keep? Or-" I gasped. "Which one of us is Essetia's real mother? Which one?!" The last was a demand, and I stood before him, not even knowing how I had gotten there, my eyes boring into his, my breast heaving, almost hyperventilating.

"talk"

If love is surrender, then whose war is it anyway?

Fear coiled in my chest and rose into my throat, choking me. It was a drastic change from my previous indifference, so much so that it was, in fact, almost welcomed. Perhaps on another day I would look back ruefully and realize just how sad it was that my trepidation actually gladdened me, but on this day, I only let emotion ride over me like the waves below. Perhaps I, like the rocks below, was slowly being worn away by their harsh embrace, but this realization, too, was a welcome one. What had happened to me? I imagined that once I was full of life - I imagined that once I deserved the love of the Gentle Heart standing before me - I imagined that once I was a different person.

And the truth of it was that I had been a different person.

The pain in his eyes was almost too much to bear, and I felt shame begin to seep into my mind, a whole new kind of poison. So badly I wanted to reach out and touch him, to reassure him that it would be okay. To be his rock, for what would perhaps be the first time in my life. But my pride was too great, my anger too fresh; stuck in this dilemma, I watched him with sad, tired eyes in silence. Was his heart breaking? Did I have a heart to break? Could I be, now, what I had been for him before? Did I want to be? Should I? Could I? Would I...?

But it was the final word that he spoke that truly broke through the barrier that had built itself around my mind. One word, on simple syllable that rang with finality and despondency. For a moment, I could almost understand his pain, the worry that he must have been feeling as I slipped further and further out of his reach, for now I felt as though he were gone, or going, and I hadn't the slightest idea of how to return myself to his embrace. I had always, at least, been this: socially inept. And it showed now more than ever as I wilted under the pressure of his depression, under the weight of my own actions.

It is so easy to speak in anger, but so difficult to take the pain away.

I felt my lips begin to quiver and I looked down, shielding my eyes from his sad gaze. The tears began to well, and I shut my eyes against them to no avail. They escaped, one by one, trickling down the dark expanse of my cheek, along the fine lines of my face. "You promised you'd help me," I whispered finally, my fury having blown out. It was not an emotionless statement, but it was weary, and I wondered if he would know the difference. "Will you still?" But somehow I knew that he would agree - or, rather, I hoped he would. Either way, there was one thing I needed to know.

I raised my newly cleared orbs to his. "Who am I?"

"talk"

If love is surrender, then whose war is it anyway?

I was calm, perhaps oddly so for one that had so angrily lashed out only moments before. Was this an emergence of the other me, the one that had taken over my mind? Or had we become one? Surely this had to be the case, for I did not feel like myself, not as I had been before the healing. I felt empty, but it was a chaotic nothingness that consumed me, pulled me into its embrace and held me there. I felt as though I had no control over it, no control over me. Was this how it felt to be normal, or had I never really been given the option to be called such?

Thor reached for me then, pulling me close, and I could not find it in me to fight him. Perhaps there was even something welcome in his touch, for I found myself taking a single step closer, closing my eyes against the sad arch of his nape. I took a breath, and his scent – husky, masculine, so familiar to me – seemed almost to surround me. Perhaps it was not air that provided me life, but simply him - but if that were so, then why did I feel so indescribably devastated? Why did I feel as though this were goodbye?

My relaxation brought with it the welling of tears, and I began to cry, not the silent, pained tears that had escaped me moments before, but the choking sobs of loss. They enveloped me, and I was no longer sure if it was the loss of myself or my love that I mourned. Maybe it was a little of both.

”I will always help you…” he said, and through the shaking and the tears, I lost track of what he was saying. Of course, I knew that he had always tried to help me – what’s more, he had always succeeded. It was me who was letting him down now, me who was somehow broken beyond repair despite his best efforts. In that moment, I fully understood how unfair this was for him, and I hated myself for it. And as much as I wanted to run, to hide, to perhaps give him the chance to find someone worthy of him, I stayed , stepping back into his hold when he would have allowed me to pull away.

”I don’t know how to figure out who I am,” I whispered against his chest. His skin was warm beneath the velvet skin of my nose, and I found myself absently tracing the lines of muscles that stretched up through his nape. I should have said more, should have elaborated, but I was at a loss. I didn’t know how to put my thoughts into words, and so I remained helplessly silent. His promise hung between us, wrapped around us, and almost seemed to become a part of me. Was that what it was like to grow, to change, to evolve? Perhaps I would learn to understand myself, after all – and maybe it would again be Thor that helped me.

"talk"

If love is surrender, then whose war is it anyway?