Perhaps I can blame sleep deprivation for my reaction to Phae's astonishment, for I have not been sleeping well of late. As she stared at me with wonder in her eyes, I could not help but laugh. But unlike most politely amused noises that came from me, this laugh kept going. And going. And going. And then I was positively hooting at the look on her face. Although still riddled with guilt, I could not squash the small sense of pride that had surfaced as a result of my friend's astonishment. "It wasn't as difficult as you might think. He was surprisingly gentle," I informed her as my amusement began to die down. The memory of his touch, pulled forcefully to the forefront of my mind, brought with it a shiver of pleasure, and I cast my gaze downward once more, my shyness returned.

I have heard it said that a good cry can be cleansing, but until this moment I have never understood the truth of this statement. Having cried myself dry, I find myself able to look at the situation in a new light. I still feel as though my actions were wrong - no amount of coercion on Phae's part is going to change that - but I can now place some blame on my former mate's shoulders, for he had left me to face my pain alone. Why should I not move on? Why should I continue to pine over a stallion to whom I clearly meant very little? Perhaps Phae is right, and I am just being silly and naive. It is about time that I grow up, I suppose; I just wish that my lesson had been more easily learnt. I sighed as Phaedra tried again to salvage the situation, shaking my head. "I'm sorry, Phae. I'm being silly and stupid, aren't I? Love... it doesn't really exist the way it does in fairy tales, does it?" The realization is a depressing one, though not entirely unwelcome, for it brings with it a justification of my percieved sins.

"I should tell Gaucho," I announced suddenly. "I don't want to lie, Phae. And you're right - there's not reason I shouldn't allow others to comfort me, since clearly Note did not care to do it himself." I frown. "The hardest part will be explaining to Skysong. She asks about her father, and I have no answers." I sigh again. "And though I thank you for the invitation, my place is here. You are right, Phae. This is my family. It would seem that I only needed reminding." I smiled at her, though my bi-colored gaze still held hints of sadness. It is not easy to be forced into disillusionment, though I like to think that I bear it better than most.

A movement catches the corner of my eye, and I glance around, my auds pricking toward the dark blue moving over the desert. I freeze suddenly, afraid - my words had been bold, and my decision to tell him still stood, but I had not thought that he would come to find me. Why hadn't he, in the weeks since our initial meeting? Why now, when I am all covered in dirt, and my cheeks are stained with tears, and I am fat? "Gaucho," I whisper, my words a warning to Phae in case she hadn't seen him yet. The sight of him fills me with equal parts longing and guilt, the same mixture that has been roiling in my gut since that first day.

He draws closer and halts, and I notice the objects he holds in his mouth. I do not get a chance to look at them closely before my gaze rises to search his face. I am dismayed briefly at the anger I see there, but it fades as the scene registers. I am assaulted with yet another wave of guilt, though this time it is because I have now caused the handsome brute to worry. I could apologize, I suppose, but what for? Instead, he asks simply if I am sad, though not in so many words. My gaze drops to the objects he has dropped. The first is a flower, a tad wilted and perhaps not so brilliant as it once was, but a flower all the same. My gaze leaps back to him, searching for I don't know what, but thrilled nonetheless because he is the first to gift me in such a way. That is, assuming the flower is meant for me.

"Gaucho," I say in greeting, and there is a warmth in my voice that I'm not sure has been there in the past. I try to remember how I spoke to Note, if I sounded pleased when I talked to him, but I cannot seem to recall my tones. "I... I wouldn't say sad," I explain hesitantly. "Confused, maybe. This is Phaedra," I say, gesturing to my sooty friend. "She was helping me, just now." I'm not sure what to say after that, for blurting "I'm pregnant," doesn't quite seem like the best way to tell him. I look from him to Phaedra and back, not wanting to send my friend away, but not wanting to lose the moment with Gaucho - after all, gods know when he will seek me out again, if ever.

"talk talk talk"

Live... I want to live on fire
Die... I want to burn out brighter
Brighter than the northern lights
Want to live to feel the daylight