it takes courage to grow up and
become who you really are

"I'm so sorry, Delinne..." the dark mare said as she fell down, breathing fast before finally taking her last breath. Her sides stopped heaving and her wonderful blue eyes became empty, the pupil greying as the heart of the Friesian stopped beating.
"NOOO!" I screamed, seeing my mother lay down to give up. I ran to her on long, dangly foal-legs and the tears ran down my cheeks when I realized that I was too late. My mother... Was dead.
I fell down on my knees next to her, resting my yet flat forehead against her barrel. My horn hadn't grown out yet, it was still just a bump on my black skull.
"Mama..."
"She's dead, Delinne. There's no use in crying because of that." My father's cold voice made me look up into his eyes, my own was swollen and filled with tears. How could he say something like that? Hadn't he loved her at all?
"But..." I tried, but my father hushed me.
"When you grow up, you'll take Greyskie's place as the Queen. She was weak, but my daughter sure as hell aren't weak. She doesn't cry. Understood?" I swallowed and looked up, sniffling.
"Yes, father. I won't cry..." I sniffled again as I stood up and looked at my mother. Her star coated body was still. She was gone, forever. I would never forgive my father for forcing me to leave her like that, minutes after her death.
Mama...

I've had these dreams for a while now. My mother was in all of them, either alive or dying. Sometimes it was just her, but my father was there too sometimes. Like this time.
Like all other times, I had woken up abruptly and seen my body covered in sweat, my sides heaving fast. Why was I having these dreams so often now?
I had wandered away from Azzaron, to the Veins of the Gods. This was a place where I'd only been twice in my life - now three times total. It was a strange place, lit only by some trees and the moon. I just needed to be alone, because these dreams haunted me almost every night now. Why I needed to be alone was a question I still asked myself, but I just knew that I couldn't be with someone right now.
My belly was swollen from the pregnancy and I felt the foal kick in there. He - or she - was feisty. It wanted to come out, but it wasn't time yet. We had to wait a little longer.

A sigh left my dark lips and I got up on all four, stretching my neck with another tired sigh. With sleepy steps, I walked closer to the shrine of the Earth God, where I had stood with the God himself more than a year ago. I gazed to the sky, admiring the stars with big eyes. My mother was up there somewhere, watching over me. I knew it.
I just knew it.
A meow distracted me and I looked down behind me, watching the little jaguar yawn and come up to me. She walked all the way to my front legs and then stopped, looking up on me with sleepy eyes. The black jag was barely visible in the darkness, but the light from the moon made it possible for me to see her vaguely. She jumped up on my leg and I crinched, feeling her claws bury themselves into my skin. The cat continued her way up and sat down on my back, rolling into a ball of fur and fell asleep again.

Thanks to the Earth God, I had Dezba. She was the only company I really needed right now and I felt a strong bond with the black jag already, even though I recieved her not too long ago.
I lowered my head and closed my eyes, thinking back on the dream. My mother... I had seen her die. It had been one of the most horrible days in my whole life, even worse than all those rapes I had to go through. And my father... I still hated him.
I hated him for making me leave my dead mother's side, for leaving me when I needed him the most, for ignoring me until I was gone. He had never cared for me, he had only cared for my title.
That fucking bastard.
Sometimes I felt like I was older than just eight. I felt like I was several hundred years old at times, considering everything I've gone through so far. It's not good for an eight-year-old mare to have gone through so much, even though eight is a pretty high age already.
Death, rape, bullies, murder, loyalty to another and have that loyal bond broken and crushed, love, kids... That was a whole lot.
I was pregnant with my second foal. I've already birthed a daughter, and I've fallen in love. In love. With a pegasus. My situation was like a comedy-drama. How did I end up in Helovia?
With all this?

Yet another sigh left my lips and I opened up my eyes, raising my head again. My breath was almost taken by the sight I got. M... Mother.
I stared at her with wide-open eyes. She was just a spirit, a blueish white shape of what she used to be. Her horn was white and proud on her black skull and the stars all over her body twinkled just like the stars above us.
She stood on the shrine of the Earthen God, looking down on me. Smiling. She was smiling at me.
"M-m-mama..." My tongue almost tied itself and thickened when I tried to speak, my eyes quickly filled with tears.
My mother slowly walked down from the shrine and I backed away, leaving space for the spirit in front of me.
"My daughter... You have grown." Another smile, this time wider. I opened my mouth, but I couldn't speak. My tongue remained still. The spirit of my mama came even closer, but I didn't back away. She embraced me in an equine hug, laying her head across my withers and pulling me closer to her non-existing bodice. I was close to burst into tears when she spoke again.
"I've missed you, Delinne. I've really missed you." And I bursted. I cried out on my mama's shoulder, trying to come even closer to her.
"I've missed you too, mama!" I said, my voice unsteady because of the tears. I had a big lump in my throat that made it impossible for me to speak without shedding a few tears along the way.

Dezba woke up on my back, and yawned big before she opened her eyes. And she was terrified within seconds.
I felt her panic and tried to calm down myself, instantly calming her as well. My mother backed away and looked at me with the same, strongly blue eyes that she had passed down on me.
"Is this Dezba?" She smiled, observing the feline. Dezba stood up on my wide back and came a little closer to the spirit, her ears pointed with curiosity.
"Yes, mama. This is Dezba, my companion." I finally managed to smile, feeling the cub's paws on my back. She was curious about this wonder.

"How have you been, my daughter? I see that you are pregnant." Greyskie's head lowered and she tried to nudge my swollen belly with her muzzle. It didn't touch though, only went straight through my being.
"Yes, mama." I said, smiling again at my mother's spirit. God, she was more beautiful than I remembered.
"This is actually my second foal. I found... I found a partner here. His name is Azzaron." My mother quickly smiled and looked up at me, since she was much smaller than me. She looked like she still was the same age that she had been when I was born. She hadn't aged a day.

"Oh, Azzaron? Yes, I've seen him around. He's stunning." She winked at me and I just blinked back. How.. Oh. I glanced up at the dark night sky. She had been watching me. My gaze wandered back to her and I smiled shyly.
"Yes, hehe. We have a daughter named Destry, and this little kid who haven't been born yet." I looked at my belly and back at my mother quickly.

Oh God, I had missed her.

"Congratulations, Delinne. I'm happy that you are happy now." Had she been watching me my whole life?
"How did you know that I've been unhappy?" I asked, my face covered in a confused look. My mother laughed and smiled at me.
"Did you really think that I was leaving you alone with that thing for a father? Never. I've seen every step you've taken until you stepped into this land, and I've seen almost every step that you've taken here. My daughter, I only left your side physically. But I'm still here..." She nudged my breast bumps between my front legs.
"... In your heart."

I bursted into tears again and I had to look down, because I just couldn't see into her eyes.
She came closer again, the edges of her spirit began to fade.
"I will always be in your heart, Delinne. I will never leave your side, and don't you ever think that I have. I'm not weak like your father said I was - I'm you. I was the one you got that braveness from." She winked at me again and smiled.
"Don't worry. We'll meet again, either in this reality or in this haven I was sent to all those years ago." I sniffled, looking up again.
"But if I don't want you to leave?" I whispered, and I must've looked like I had lost all hope because she came closer, lowering her head to my level.
"Just call me and I'll be there to aid you." My mama's words calmed me and I smiled at her, feeling hope stride into my veins again.

Dezba roared in her special way and we both glanced at her, smiling. I looked at mama again, smiling even wider.
"I love you, mama. I love you more than everything." My words were only a whisper and I saw how she had faded even more.
"I love you too, my daughter. And remember, just call me and I'll be there." Those were her last words before her spirit disappeared that night.
I was left with new hope, but at the same time I was so confused. What just happened?

"Talking."

ooc: My longest post in my whole rpg-history... Hole sheet.
word count: 1760