Emotions. Truth be told, Ktulu had never been one to cope with a myriad of emotions even when she had been less hardened and tainted by life. Disappointment, disgust, sorrow, loss, and guilt were bitter pills that she'd been forced to swallow. Never before had Ktulu been so glad that she was alone, yet at the same time she wanted someone there so she could have a shoulder to cry on. It was the first time that she had lost one of her own and it was hard. Donovan had been the only uncle she'd met when she was a foal and though she didn't know him as well as she might have liked he was family. They shared the same blood and she'd sent him to his death. Because of her contract with the Basin his blood now coated the floor of the Edge and it was all for nothing. The Invasion had been botched and now there was the worry in the back of her mind of retaliation from the Edge and the Throat, since the Basin had decided to attack on two fronts instead of just focusing on one.

It would be so much easier if she could just be angry, but sorrow and guilt were just too overwhelming. The dark mare blinked in surprise when she realized that tears had spilled over and were trailing down her cheeks. She snorted and ducked her head down, rubbing her face against one foreleg then the other. What would the herd think if they saw her crying? Would they think her weak for having such feelings? Would they think her a pushover? They were supposed to be a group of mercenaries and spies, after all. Or would they understand and share in her grief. Somehow Ktulu doubted that the herd would truly understand because she had always been the tough one. The angry one. The bitch. Would they understand if it were Ophelia in her shoes, crying over the loss of family? She felt that they would understand. Everyone always seemed to understand her sister and everyone seemed to have a soft spot for her.

Jealousy, even though it was just a touch, was also quite bitter.

Thankfully Ktulu was drawn from her inner musing by the sound of scuffling somewhere ahead of her. It took her a few seconds, but the emotionless mask that she had perfected some time ago was put back into place and she pushed forth. Under the light of the moon, and with knowledge of her herd land's landscape, Ktulu was able to find her way to the source of the scuffle. Upon seeing the mare that was standing there the mask crumbled despite her best efforts to keep it in tact.

Lakota was someone that she felt like she was always hurting, though she never meant to. She loved the other mare dearly, but love was such a foreign concept at times and Ktulu didn't know exactly how to show someone that she cared.

"Lakota." She breathed her Poisoner's name then stopped short, hoping that the sorrow that laced her voice would somehow be missed and that the crumbling mask would be put back into place on its own, but when did hope ever become reality?

ooc:// Placing this after Archibald's thread where he tells Ktulu that Donovan was killed

She wouldn't blame Lakota if the mare just walked away and left her standing there to pick up the pieces of herself alone. In fact, Ktulu would think that she deserved it for everything she'd done. For the number of times she'd seen the shadow of hurt on the mare's face and in her eyes. An ear flicked in the direction of Lakota's companion when she heard the unhappy growl that made her heart crack and sink to her stomach. Her eyes followed the direction of her ear and she looked at the polar bear, wishing he was still the cub that would come running to her eager to play with her tail, but times had changed.

Oh, had they changed.

"Lakota." She repeated when the poisoner said her name, knowing that she would no longer be her poisoner, but then again had she ever really been? Or had she been playing the same game that Ktulu had unknowingly been playing? Just the thought made the dark mare's already fractured heart splinter further. She had no one to blame but herself for every bad thing that had happened to her in her life.

""Ktulu...don't hide from me, child. Tell me what's wrong, speaking will help. It hurts me to see you like this."

The Constrictor stared, unsure of what to say and unused to being called child by her closest friend. It made her feel cold and not at all comfortable like she usually was when she and Lakota were together. Her stomach churned and she turned her gaze away from both Lakota and Aodaun. The distance she felt so acutely helped to solidify the decision that she'd been toying with in her head since Archibald had brought it up.

"I'm leaving." She finally said, forcing her voice to sound stronger than it was and she felt. Once upon a time Lakota had vowed to follow her wherever she went, but in the back of her mind Ktulu questioned that. It would be selfish of her to ask Lakota to leave the safety of the Foothills and follow her to wherever it was she ended up. Ktulu turned to leave Lakota and Aodaun be since she felt that neither of them truly wanted her there. "I wanted to tell you goodbye... so you wouldn't find out later... Goodbye."

Lakota's reaction was what she had expected, but hoped would be different. She stopped in her retreat and listened to the poisoner she had once claimed as her own and still wished she could claim at her own. Ktulu wanted to feel anger at Lakota's question, but she could only feel sadness and regret. Regret that she had even pushed the idea of the Grey. Regret that she had let their numbers inflate so large that she had driven an entire herd out of their home for her own selfish wants. But was done and could not be undone. She could only try to repent for her wrongs. The Grey would be no more, but the Foothills would flourish, she hoped, under Apollo's rule. He was gentle where she had been abrasive, and trusting where she had been paranoid. He was far more suited to be a leader than she had ever been and ever would be.

It just took her until now to see it.

"I said I'd always follow you but, but...we fought for this land, bled for it! I fought and bled for it! For you! And you're just giving up? Giving up on me?! On all of us?!"

Ktulu closed her eyes then and ground her teeth. Why was it she was getting this reaction when Ophelia had just been told farewell and sent on her way. A white hot spark of anger and bitterness settled in her chest among the broken pieces of her heart and she turned only to see Lakota stumbling away. The dark mare cursed inwardly and set off after Lakota, hot on her tail in moments because the poisoner seemed to be stumbling over herself in her attempt to get away. "Lakota!" She barked out the mare's name and stopped, deciding that if Lakota continued on she would just let her, and if she did maybe she would linger out of sight to hear what she had to say.

"What do you want me to say?" Ktulu asked. "That I'm sorry? That I'm stupid? That I had a childish dream that we could live in neutrality and be loyal only to one another and there not be any consequence?" She shook her head and laughed bitterly to herself, realizing just how foolish she had been. "We never should have invaded the Foothills. I never should have let the Grey get as big as it did, but whats done is done. I cannot change what I did and what happened. I cannot change the fact that my executioners and my warriors did not do their duties no matter how many times they were told. They did not patrol the borders, they did not spar one another to practice. They were weak and so we were weak." But that was not why she was leaving. "I'm tired, Lakota." Her voice became weary and she shook her head once more. "I'm tired of trying to fix something that is broken. I'm tired of trying to motivate those that don't want to be motivated. I'm tired of being a failure."

Her head lifted and tried to look content with her decision, though it was obvious that she was tearing herself apart internally because she had come to think of the Grey as her family. "Apollo is strong and will succeed where I have failed. He can provide a home with the comforts that I could not." She sighed. "You told me before that you would follow me wherever I went. I'm not going to hold you to that, but know that I'm going to miss you. I'll still love you no matter your decision." That was a better goodbye than what she had attempted before, wasn't it? Ktulu sighed and turned once more. Whether or not Lakota accepted what she had to say was up to her, bur Ktulu had said her peace, though it didn't make her feel much better.

"Y-You what? I-I...Ktulu I..."

Ktulu stared at Lakota, stumped as to why the mare would question what she had told her. Was it not obvious that Ktulu loved the other mare? The more she thought about it, though, the more she started to understand why Lakota would question it. Midas. Ktulu loved him as well and always would. They had a daughter together, after all. It was hard, though, loving two at the same time. It only added to the gut churning, roiling emotions that made her heart ache. She needed distance. She needed to be alone to sort out everything in her head, she realized.

"I cannot leave my family if they stay, Ktulu. I...I have to meet with them, before I follow you. I want to! Oh gods I want to Ktulu I do! Please...please that's all I ask. Don't give up on me. I will always be here, and...and I'll send Ao if I...if...well..."

"Family is important." The dark mare interrupted, not liking where Lakota was going with her words, but knowing it was probably in her best interest. Still, why did she feel like her heart was being ripped from her chest and trampled in the dirt? Was this how Lakota felt everytime she saw her with Midas? She took a few steps away, pausing when she heard Lakota's profession of love. Ktulu did not turn and look back when she heard Lakota's shuffling hooves. She could envision the mare moving backwards, unsure of how to handle the current situation just as Ktulu was unsure of how to handle it.

She could do without emotions.

"I'll see you sometime." She murmured before disappearing into the darkness. Now she only had to find Apollo and tell him of her decision and hope that he wouldn't hate her for putting him in the situation she was putting him in.