The one who approaches is not fully horse, that much is apparent. I AM THE CURSE ON YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S HIPS |
Teaching notes:
Spelling/grammar - I couldn't spot any errors, which is great! :D Your writing was lovely in this post - you have a distinct style and it's very easy to read whilst also being descriptive. As I always say in teaching spars, just keeping good grammar and spelling throughout is one of the easiest ways to rack up points in the judge's rubric, so it's one of the most important things to focus on. You're already doing that which is fab :)
Emotion - Opening fight posts can often be quite dry and hard to pump emotion into, but I think you avoided this trap quite well. Aquila is a unique character and I definitely got a feel of her in this post! I love how you write her alien, aquatic appearance, and I got a basic idea of her reasons behind wanting to fight. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of her posts in this fight. Keep up the good work!
Attacks - The attacks themselves were good, especially the one with her spiked tail - I loved that! I also loved the fact that she noticed his skull mask, and specifically aimed for the area below it. It shows that you've properly read my opening post and noticed that he's wearing the skull, which is great! So the idea behind the attacks was really well thought out, especially doing the kick and tail-swing in conjunction with one another. I always enjoy attacks like that, as I find them more realistic than multiple different attacks in one fight post given how short timewise each post actually is. So that part was great!
My only problem with both attacks was the lack of 'attempt' words. 'Sharpened edges of her hind hooves struck out towards his chest and left shoulder' and 'Her long tail curved, swinging the tip like a club towards the underside of his face' should both have had mention of attempt/tried etc, otherwise you risk losing points for GM/PP. It sounds like you're assuming they're going to hit, which is a big no no. It's always up to your opponent if/how attacks hit, so always make sure you throw in attempt words just to make sure the judge can't deduct points for GM/PP! Even if it's not intentional, it's better to be safe than sorry.
Damage taken - N/A
Other - When someone doesn't use their full word count, I usually point that out as well, however I think you covered most bases in this post despite having more than 200 words left to use. One thing I would say is that you could have used your spare words to describe the surroundings some more - the flat sand, the open expanse of ground with no obstacles, etc. She mentioned that she's unused to fighting on land, but how will this affect her? What will she do to counter it? Similarly, although you noted Volterra's superior size and therefore strength, I'd have liked to see some more about how she intends to combat that. Use her lesser size and agility to her advantage, or throw caution to the wind and just try to match him for power? Overall though this was a great fight post I think and you're definitely on the right track :)
[ you can't stray from what you are, you're the closest thing to hell i've seen so far ]
[ use of force/magic on him is permitted aside from death/maiming ]