MIDAS
Realism [+2]
:: In your second post, I felt that Midas could have taken more damage. A 6 should be the most damage that is taken throughout the fight and I definitely felt like there was room for a greater amount of damage to be taken.
:: In your third post, I see you were very rushed, but I couldn’t figure out if you had taken any damage from Cheveyo at all.
:: Good job remembering the scenery, and using it.


Emotion [-0.5]
:: Midas’ contemplations and thoughts on Cheveyo are just beautiful in your first post and his internal struggle on whether to actually fight with her or not was very tangible. Well done!
:: I really lost this great emotional connection with Midas in your second post and third posts, however, which was disappointing.


Prose [+1]
:: Stating that no one should feel loss or the heartache from touching passions flame. Passion’s flame.
:: Had my pained heart been laced so evidently in eyes that this painted women felt the need to offer condolence? I’m not sure eyes is the right word, but if it is I’m very confused.
:: Nostril’s flared, water droplets flew into the atmosphere No apostrophe needed.
:: those piercing needles ran without mercy down half the length of crest, My crest, maybe? I feel like this was missing a word.
:: These are just a sampling of the errors I noticed throughout your writing. I do understand that some of this is just your chosen style of prose, but the excess of dropped words sometimes makes your writing lack clarity.


Readability [+1]
:: I hate taking off twice for the same thing, but since it was such a big mistake I really feel like I need to state it again- I could not find an instance of Midas taking damage in your third post, despite reading it a couple times through.
:: Your score was also affected by the variety of missing words and odd punctuation as noted in prose, which really decreased my ability to easily comprehend the writing.


Finally tally: 67.5 + (3.5*2) = 74.5 HP


CHEVEYO
Realism [+0.5]
:: as my multi-hued frame was slammed backwards into a sitting position Consider the angle of Midas’ hit, the muddy ground, and the horse’s general instinct to remain standing, I think it is unlikely Midas would have caused her to fall into a sit. I think it is much more likely she would have just slid across the mud.
:: I think you could have taken more damage in Midas’ first attack against you. Remember that 6 on the dice roll should be basically the worst damage you can take. I didn’t get the sense that the damage you took was that dramatic.
:: In your second post I wish you would have mentioned more of Cheveyo’s old injuries and how they were affecting her, again considering the amount of damage they should have caused.
:: Falling over is a huge deal! I definitely don’t think it was worthy of a ‘5’ on the dice roll. Be careful when you employ such dramatic responses to damage.


Emotion [-1]
:: You started out with great emotion in your first post, which really helped me connect with Cheveyo, but as you moved into the attack portion of your post I feel like that emotion slid away a little.
:: Throughout the rest of the fight, I really lost most sense of emotion and the fight became very technical. There were a few cursory thoughts given to emotion, but it all seemed very superficial.


Prose [+4]
:: I don’t have many comments. Your posts were well edited and I didn’t see any glaring mistakes. There were a few instances where I think some ‘RP’ terms could have been replaced with more accessible terms, but they weren’t overly disctacting.


Readability [+2]
:: I had to go back and re-read your first attack, because I didn’t understand what was happening my first read through.


Finally tally: 21 + (5.5*2) = 32HP

:: This is neither here nor there for judging, and no points were taken for this by any means, but I might suggest that you put two line breaks between paragraphs instead of just one. The long, solid block of text is sometimes intimidating to look at and easy to lose your place in.