i won't be saved

with my voice betraying me i open my maw to tell seele that i am so terribly sorry, but all that is given is a little croak as my tears fall. my body is shaking as memories of a dark time flickers before my eyes, my knees beginning to tremble as i bring in a painful breath, one that feels like someone has impaled my lungs bringing pain to my chest with each breath. i feel seele's warm skin touch my cheek, wiping away the stream of tears. i like the feeling, it brings me somewhere closer to getting out of this pit of horrors, but i'm still six feet under waiting to be rescued.

as seele draws herself away, i look down upon her with a gentle, stupid looking little smile that is all i can muster. i don't know why i smile, maybe because i want her to believe i'm okay, or am recovering from these horrors that i had to face. but really i don't think i'll ever be okay, never again will my childish innocence surface and appear before anyone. never will these memories of hatred, these feelings of pure rage and uncontrollable desires leave me. i will be forever haunted by this time in my life, and now all i want is to erase these memories, leave a blank spot there instead.

i fall forward, no longer able to bury my face into seele's chest, or scamper along by her side and tuck myself away behind her rump. i was too tall now, too old and mature for such silly things. the world was no longer as big as it used to be, but it was so much scarier than before. there were monsters out there, monsters who took on different forms. some come without being noticed, others barge in and ruin everything while others simply slip in quietly before making everything blow up in your face.

"please don't feel that it was your fault seele —" i murmur, my head hanging low as i take a look at her with a pain shooting through my breast, a spark of emotional hurt jolting from my heart. maybe it was her fault, maybe it was mine, maybe it really was sikeax's fault for making me into a monster. whomever's fault it is, it doesn't matter anymore. "i don't know how i'll be able to become stronger. i was born to be weak, to be damaged and helpless. how can i heal wounds that were meant to remain open?" more pain running through the length of my body, my heart throbbing as the thought of mama laying in a pool of her own blood crosses my mind. it was all my fault that she was dead, and there was no way i was going to ever close up this wound.

all i want was to have my childhood back, to be a young, carefree child that hid behind the legs of a mare whom she had accepted as her dam, hiding from the rest of the world. she had been seele's shadow for most of her life, but here she is now, stepping out into the light and letting it wash over her. it hurt, blistering her skin and burning her flesh, leaving but charred bones and painful memories. her life has just been one mess up after another, really it was just one big mess up within itself. she hated that.

so here i am, with the light bathing me, making my flesh bubble and my knees tremble. the tears returned, falling upon the green grasses of the falls, i look into seele's golden eyes, finding reassurance there in her gaze. "i may not be help in the battle field, but maybe i can be of help in the shadows —" i offer up, looking at seele with some faint flicker of hope. surely i would be no help in a spar or challenge against anyone, but maybe i'd do better on the sidelines collecting information. "although spars would still be good so i'm not completely defenseless." i murmur, looking down at my hooves for a moment before raising my gaze back to seele's face, painted in white with crimson accenting her radiant yellow eyes.

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