THRANDUIL
Realism [+3.5]
Your costume was well described and you mentioned it in each post, although I was hoping to see a bit more movement hindrance from the shell, or perhaps vision hindrance with the eye mask. You did a great job with the bats and the surroundings, but I would have liked to see some breed references as well. Your injuries were described well and followed the damage appropriately and all your attacks and defenses made sense. You edited your last post which isn’t allowed so some points were docked there.

Overall you are a great fighter and definitely have an eye for describing realism.


Emotion [+2]
I definitely felt some emotion, especially in your second post, but I was really hoping to see more of Thranduil’s personality shine through, I know he’s not lacking in that department.


Prose [+4]
You have really lovely writing and set up for your posts with flow.


Readability [+1.5]
Although your posts were easy to read, you had a lot of typos sprinkled throughout which occurred frequently enough it was a bit distracting.

Post 1:
“He saw not bulges…” (no)
“...the gold had not time for that anyway.” (no)
“...chirps row louder.” (grow)
“Why go out for supper with delivery guy was already here.” (not sure what this was supposed to say…)
“...not moved, his opponent’s right side.” (to his)
“... but from being out of control that caused his continued attack. “ (awkward wording).

Post 2:
“Then their gone.” (they’re).
“...the roar of the bats above screaming in at his…” (basts above, scraming).
“..with earth eyes flashing in a sharpness, lifts his front half up and away.” (weird wording).
“...level the bat seize their supper once more….” (bats).


Finally tally: 46+(11*2)= 68 HP


TANDAVI
Realism [+4]
I thought you did a great job with your costume and especially having the paint make your wound sting, although I would have liked to see more hindrance from the udder and more mention in the second post - it felt like an afterthought in the second post. You had great scenery and I really liked how you used it to injure yourself. You also played on the bats really well. You mentioned breed in both posts, but didn’t really bring it into anything as far as why an attack succeeded or not, why an attack was made etc. Good injury descriptions and relation to damage. Where was her companion in this??

Overall I thought you had awesome realism and did especially well with your surroundings.


Emotion [+3]
Tandavi had a lot of strong emotions through each post, it really made her come alive for me, especially when she shot off the magic.


Prose [+4.5]
Your writing was just beautiful in each post, it really captivated me.


Readability [+2.5]
Your posts were very easy to read, just a couple typos in the first one.

Post 1
“...to look closely at ground” (the ground).
“..force of him knockes the wind...” (knocks).
“...raw power aimlessly aimed toward…” (oxymoron!)


Finally tally: 40+(14*2)= 68 HP

---

THRANDUIL
Realism [+3]
:: Lowering his twin horned head the gold came at the creature’s right. Try to come at her right. Don’t be so decisive.
:: Great job remembering the scenery and using it in post 1.
:: Really creative way to take the damage in your closing post, I wish you would have described the damage more.


Emotion [+2]
:: His interaction and thoughts on his costume were great throughout, I really appreciated what was going on with him.


Prose [+2]
:: running like a x over his back and under his barrel. An x.
:: The only none spear tipped space was the path he found himself on non spear tipped space, I think you meant.
:: Frustrated he could not more with silence the gold picked up the pace, Move
:: Still the gold had not time for that anyway. No time
:: the fluttering and high chirps row louder. Grow
:: The could smell the sweat and breath of creatures They
:: Why go out for supper with delivery guy was already here. When
:: Then their gone. They’re


Readability [+2]
Your prose is not necessarily wrong, but sometimes difficult to read as a flowing unit, primarily due to your chosen style of writing. I think it compliments Thranduil nicely, but sometimes interrupts the flow of your words.

Finally tally: 46+(9*2)= 64HP


TANDAVI
Realism [+3.5]
:: Great job working in character comparison and remembering the scenery in post 1.
:: I don’t think you needed to take more damage in post 1, but I wish you would have described what you took a little more.
:: I see you described the first damage quite a bit more in your second post. Good job distinguishing what was old injury from new, and where the damage was coming from.


Emotion [+2]
:: Awesome in post 1. I was instantly drawn into Tandavi’s character and really felt what she was going through as she went through the cave. For a moment I felt like she really went from 0 to 60 in no time flat, regarding the depth and strength of her emotion, but if you were taking the graveyard competition as one continuous event in her history, I can see how her emotions would have been well-frayed already.
:: Good work continuing into the second post, the part about her fighting with integrity was just lovely.


Prose [+4]
:: Your writing was beautiful throughout- easy to read, flowed well, edited nicely, and just seems to have a knack for drawing you in. Well done!


Readability [+3]
:: No concerns or comments

Finally tally: 40+(12.5*2)= 65HP