the Rift


[JUDGED] Can we go back before the storm came raging? [Gaucho]

Official Posts: 847
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Stallion :: Equine :: ::
Official
#8

By my verdict: GAUCHO is the winner!

AMPERE
Realism [+4]
:: Since most of her magic has similar outcomes, I would have been less confused if there was more detail given to her abilities.
:: Excellent use of the stifle injury later on! I like seeing "full circle" battles like that
:: I thought it was great the fact that you incorporated her wings in every aspect of this fight! Additionally, I appreciated the fact that you wrote your attacks sequentially and clearly - and devoted the word space to clarify direction and severity.


Emotion [+2.5]
:: Poor Ampere, raging against such a helpless cause. I enjoyed every moment of this fight and appreciated the internal struggle you outlined for the reader.


Prose [+3]
:: "Quickly though it hurt" - this read a little awkwardly to me
:: "Stay back! she wanted to yell at him, blue eyes blazing with the vibrancy of their romance, it's light like a dying star, most brilliant in its last moments. " - Since "it is" is both subject and verb, these sentences should be separated. If you think that they cannot exist apart, you can separate them with a semi-colon! For example: "...their romance; it's light like a dying star". (If you meant 'its' which is the possessive form, then the sentence is fine!)
:: There were a few more instances like that above where sentences should have been separated, hyphenated, etc.


Readability [+2]
:: I had to go back and reread a few things for clarity. Magic is hard to visualize when it's not outline, and I think it would have helped if you used greater detail in your posts for how the magic was functioning.


Finally tally: (11.5 * 2) + 54.5 = 77.5 HP


*******************************************

GAUCHO
Realism [+3]
:: I think you took too much damage in your first post! A 1 is just one step above a miss, but you had him bleed from his lips and have her run into him. She could have just bitten him and just left a mark!
:: I feel the too much damage thing again with taking both daggers to the chest and having him bleed with only the roll of a 2
:: I loved feeling like I was really in Gaucho's body and appreciated him bringing in his other battle experiences! It made his actions very real and tried and true.


Emotion [+2.5]
:: SOMEONE TELL GAUCHO THAT LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL AND GIVE AMPERE THE SAME LECTURE! I was very drawn into this fight - well done!


Prose [+4]
:: Obviously very carefully edited and well written

Readability [+2.5]
:: Very readable!

Finally tally: (12*2) + 57.5 = 81.5 HP


Messages In This Thread
RE: Can we go back before the storm came raging? [Gaucho] - by Official - 03-11-2015, 11:26 AM

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