ISOPIA
Realism [+2]
You always have a good grasp on realism, and you certainly posed an interesting challenge with your first 2 posts that were very difficult attacks to retaliate against, but it all tied in well with your character. It was disappointing how infrequently you utilized terrain and stat differences though - you used your magic to make steam in the rotunda, but didn’t exactly use the terrain otherwise, a bit of the moonlight for your raven at the start, and then a mention of Isopia’s height at the end, but otherwise the fight seemed to largely be taking place in a void.

Your second post had really great motivation and explanation with her transformation that was great to read, though I’m not sure why you chose to injure something so precious as your knee, much less to the point where bone was exposing, when you didn’t even roll a critical hit - it was a 6 damage granted, but even so it seemed too severe for what was really necessary in the situation (given the attack was an accident too). However it was not improper so you were not marked down for it, I just wanted to mention that it was more suitable to a critical hit.

In your second post your damage didn’t seem well described to me. You took the bite to the neck, but didn’t explain what the injury really was or how it hurt enough to constitute a damage roll of 3 (it read more as a 1 really) - you did also take Ashamin’s heartbeat magic, but since that didn’t really hurt her I wasn’t counting that as damaging. In your final post you also fail to mention Ashamin’s bite to her chest - even if it was a wonky timeline and shouldn’t have happened, it did and it needed to be mentioned - but the injury from his spark coil seemed proper.

Overall great work, just focus on matching your injuries with the damage rolls a bit better and explaining what exactly the injury entails, which you did well in your second and fourth post.


Emotion [+2]
It may difficult with how analytical Isopia is, to really get a sense of her emotion, but I did feel like I at least understood her purposes and her thoughts when she considered her tactics and her opponent’s.


Prose [+4]
Beautiful writing all throughout with powerful imagery and strong vocabulary. You’re very good at letting everything flow together well.

“ If a raccoon or some small rodent were to wander out, responding to his cry, what would he do? If he were monstrous, he might attack it out of boredom, but surely his demand forchallenge was meant for whatever purported creature he believed lurked in the darkness? Surely something as small and innocuous as a rodent of the woods would not draw real effort from him.”

“She had wanted Ashamin to be rendered stupefied by the odd macabre raven sitting in the moonlight, and yet here she was mystified by blood - something so mundane in comparison”


Readability [+2.5]
Very easy to read and understand, just the one typo below and an instance where a sentence included an equal sign. I assume this was a style choice, and though I didn’t mark points off for it, it isn’t correct grammar and if it continues to occur it will lose points. Otherwise well proof read with proper sentence structure.

P3:
“...to remained poised…” (remain)


Finally tally: 51+(10.5*2)= 72 HP


ASHAMIN
Realism [+1]
Your realism in fights definitely has a marked improvement from some others. I really felt your attacks and defenses came in a lot more strategically and properly for a horse. For instance, having him be afraid of the magic at first was great! However in that first post, you write as being affected by the magic despite saying you’re outside of the rotunda when it was written as occurring inside. Furthermore you say the steam stings your eyes, but it should only be obscuring visibility and perhaps be too hot, but should not blind him. Aside from that implausibility the damage you did take from it was correct and well used to make his fumbling attacks. I really enjoyed your method of using the heartbeat magic to intimidate Isopia!

Your final post was really lacking in realism though because your timeline got rather loose. Isopia had already reared when he bit her, but you wrote it as him biting, and them rearing together, which didn’t and can’t happen, it’s too much back tracing for you. Also, you try to hit her with your tail’s coil, but his tail couldn’t be long enough (I then read his profile and see it’s length described, but that needs to be mentioned in the battle so that I do not have to hunt this information down, and if his tail is that long I’d expect to see it hinder him as well). Lastly you describe her magic as causing you to land unevenly, rolling your ankle, but this is not an anatomical term, do you mean fetlock? Ergot? Otherwise the damage seemed correct for a roll of 2.

To help bring in more realism, also try to utilize the surroundings and stat differences a bit more. Isopia was much larger than Ashamin, how did that change his tactics and affect his aim? It was rather dark (which was mentioned very briefly in passing) so how does that play into how certain tactics succeed or fail? What was the ground they were fighting on, because with all the description I read about it, it seemed like empty space. Otherwise keep up the good work!


Emotion [+2.5]
I definitely felt like I connected with Ashamin throughout the fight, particularly with that second post that was really feeling-heavy. I liked how you tied in past experiences, fighting or otherwise, to explain his motives and actions.

“Ashamin felt three things, and he felt them all at once.”


Prose [+3.5]
Really well written posts which were a joy to read. You had a great breadth of vocabulary, powerful imagery, and easy flow and transitions.


Readability [+3]
Easy to read and understand, just watch how often you start sentences with ‘and’ and ‘but’ as those are supposed to be contractions not sentence starters. Overall well proof read with proper grammar.


Finally tally: 46+(10*2)= 66 HP